I know this will be short because I don't really have anything to say at the moment. Mistress and I are both doing well, though adjusting to some new meds on both our parts. Our lives have both been very busy lately due to the holiday season.
Oh I did have a pretty cool dream a few nights ago, where She and I were snuggled together in bed. We were spooning, with my back against her chest, and she had made sure that I was entirely nude. We talked until we weren't making sense and then as we told each other goodnight she slide one of her hands down between my thighs to cup my sex and whispered against my ear that I was to remain like that all night long so that I might be reminded that she owns every part of me. In the dream, I barely slept at all because her show of dominance and ownership over me had me floating all night. When I woke from the dream for real, I actually felt like it had really happened and just lay in bed thinking about it for a while.
Now that's in my head again!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Another Thursday Questions
Looking to the future, how do you see yourself changing in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
OR
Looking to the past, what changes have you gone though from 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years?
I know it says -or-, but I think I am going to answer both!
First, I'll answer for the past.
One year ago, I didn't have a job and thought life wasn't worth living. I was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything.
Five years ago, I was still in college and working my butt off to keep my grades up so that I could graduate on time! :)
Ten years ago (from today), I had no clue I would lose my mom two weeks later. And when I did it sent me into a downward spiral of the worst sort of depression I've ever experienced. Even worse than a year ago. I'm amazed that I made it through that time with as much sanity as I did. I love you Mom!
Now, for the future.
In one year, I expect myself to have a well paying job that I love, have my diabetes under control and have lost most, if not all the weight that I need to lose!
In five years, I expect to still have that job, still have diabetes under control and to have kept the weight off. I also expect to be living with (or much closer) to Mistress and Sir and to have deepened our relationship even further. I will hopefully be doing volunteer work, perhaps with a group that advocates for people with disabilities. :)
And, in ten years, all of the above, plus I expect to have decided if I wish to have children of my own, adopt, or not. And if not, then I wish to maybe be a foster parent, or to donate regularly to an organization that helps children in need. By then Mistress' business will be soaring! And I'll help her with that as much as she wishes. :)
OR
Looking to the past, what changes have you gone though from 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years?
I know it says -or-, but I think I am going to answer both!
First, I'll answer for the past.
One year ago, I didn't have a job and thought life wasn't worth living. I was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything.
Five years ago, I was still in college and working my butt off to keep my grades up so that I could graduate on time! :)
Ten years ago (from today), I had no clue I would lose my mom two weeks later. And when I did it sent me into a downward spiral of the worst sort of depression I've ever experienced. Even worse than a year ago. I'm amazed that I made it through that time with as much sanity as I did. I love you Mom!
Now, for the future.
In one year, I expect myself to have a well paying job that I love, have my diabetes under control and have lost most, if not all the weight that I need to lose!
In five years, I expect to still have that job, still have diabetes under control and to have kept the weight off. I also expect to be living with (or much closer) to Mistress and Sir and to have deepened our relationship even further. I will hopefully be doing volunteer work, perhaps with a group that advocates for people with disabilities. :)
And, in ten years, all of the above, plus I expect to have decided if I wish to have children of my own, adopt, or not. And if not, then I wish to maybe be a foster parent, or to donate regularly to an organization that helps children in need. By then Mistress' business will be soaring! And I'll help her with that as much as she wishes. :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A better look inside
Mistress is busy with baking goodies for the upcoming holidays. And I've been preparing my kiddos at work for their Christmas play which we put on tonight for their parents. It seems like this time of year makes it hard to stay in constant communication, although I believe Mistress and I have managed well.
Last week I had some news brought to my attention and since then I've debated over mentioning it here, because I have tried to keep most of what I speak of here about my submission and my journey with Mistress and Sir, with the occassional mentions of family or work. However, this is something that actually and most likely will directly affect my submission. I know there will be a lot of changes, and there already has been on my part. So I've decided to share it here.
I was just diagnosed as Type 2 Diabetic. I won't go into great details here (I don't think!) about it or how I deal with it and what not. However, I know that there will be changes, some enforced by Mistress, and some made on my own, that I will most likely blog about eventually. But I am not going to let this take over the purpose of this blog, even though in some ways it is a part of it. I know in the long run it can affect many things within our relationship and very well could affect the intensity of play times and such. But it's too soon to tell if that will be the case or not.
I know I will be on a much stricter diet. Mistress mentioned helping with that, and I'm not sure if she means that she will come up with one herself for me, or if she meant something else by that. Either way, I've already put myself on a strict diet, and it seems to be working well so far.
So, there you have it. That's a large part of why I've been so ill lately, and for so long. It takes diabetics a lot longer to heal from normal every day things like a cold.
That's all the time I have for now as I have to get some other things done before heading to the school for our play this evening. So, to my readers, I wish you all well!
Last week I had some news brought to my attention and since then I've debated over mentioning it here, because I have tried to keep most of what I speak of here about my submission and my journey with Mistress and Sir, with the occassional mentions of family or work. However, this is something that actually and most likely will directly affect my submission. I know there will be a lot of changes, and there already has been on my part. So I've decided to share it here.
I was just diagnosed as Type 2 Diabetic. I won't go into great details here (I don't think!) about it or how I deal with it and what not. However, I know that there will be changes, some enforced by Mistress, and some made on my own, that I will most likely blog about eventually. But I am not going to let this take over the purpose of this blog, even though in some ways it is a part of it. I know in the long run it can affect many things within our relationship and very well could affect the intensity of play times and such. But it's too soon to tell if that will be the case or not.
I know I will be on a much stricter diet. Mistress mentioned helping with that, and I'm not sure if she means that she will come up with one herself for me, or if she meant something else by that. Either way, I've already put myself on a strict diet, and it seems to be working well so far.
So, there you have it. That's a large part of why I've been so ill lately, and for so long. It takes diabetics a lot longer to heal from normal every day things like a cold.
That's all the time I have for now as I have to get some other things done before heading to the school for our play this evening. So, to my readers, I wish you all well!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Honesty is the best policy
Another Thursday Question
Do you have a rule about lying? Explain how honesty and transparency are alike or different in your relationship? What is the most difficult thing you have had to be honest about?
Yes, Mistress and I have a rule about lying. It's called "NO lying!" Not on either of our parts. We both feel very strongly about this and believe that lying causing rifts in relationships that shouldn't be there, or wouldn't be there had the people involved been honest and upfront the entire time. Without good communication in our relationship, we would be doomed, I'm sure. But we both know just how important it is and we strive daily to keep our lines of communication open. I believe that if I can't be honest with Mistress, then there is no point in even trying to submit to her. It would be a lie, and there would be no trust there. It would be fake. And not at all what I wish for our relationship to be.
Honesty and transparency are basically the same thing within our relationship. To be transparent means to not hide anything, to be clear and open to others. And if you're being honest, then you're being transparent. I don't hide anything from Mistress, nothing at all. If I'm upset over something, anything, even if it has nothing to do with us, she knows about it. Same with her. If we're happy about something, the other knows about it. A lot of our relationship is based on talking and filling one another in on what is going on inside ourselves. It's how we've managed to get as close as we are and remain that way for so long. It started out like that when we were just friends and only deepened the further we went into our relationship.
Now, as far as what has been the most difficult thing for me to be honest about. Wow. I'd have to say that it's extremely difficult for me to ask for help, no matter what the problem is that I am struggling with, I hate to ask for help, because I've been trained (because of my past) to believe that asking for help means that I'm weak and that I've failed. Mistress has worked had to try and erase that thinking from my mind and while I'd love to say that it's entirely gone, I don't feel that it would be honest to say that, when I'm really unsure about that. I do know that I've grown in this area, and have been able to swallow back my feelings about it a few times to ask for her help, or the help of another. But I can't say with certainty that I would be able to do that all the time, no matter what. I've grown though, and to me, that is what truly matters.
I just feel as though, if I weren't honest with Mistress at all times then I would basically be slapping her in the face and telling her that I don't trust her, nor respect her. Just the thought of that makes me cringe! I can't imagine every treating Mistress like that, so why would I do it by being dishonest?
Do you have a rule about lying? Explain how honesty and transparency are alike or different in your relationship? What is the most difficult thing you have had to be honest about?
Yes, Mistress and I have a rule about lying. It's called "NO lying!" Not on either of our parts. We both feel very strongly about this and believe that lying causing rifts in relationships that shouldn't be there, or wouldn't be there had the people involved been honest and upfront the entire time. Without good communication in our relationship, we would be doomed, I'm sure. But we both know just how important it is and we strive daily to keep our lines of communication open. I believe that if I can't be honest with Mistress, then there is no point in even trying to submit to her. It would be a lie, and there would be no trust there. It would be fake. And not at all what I wish for our relationship to be.
Honesty and transparency are basically the same thing within our relationship. To be transparent means to not hide anything, to be clear and open to others. And if you're being honest, then you're being transparent. I don't hide anything from Mistress, nothing at all. If I'm upset over something, anything, even if it has nothing to do with us, she knows about it. Same with her. If we're happy about something, the other knows about it. A lot of our relationship is based on talking and filling one another in on what is going on inside ourselves. It's how we've managed to get as close as we are and remain that way for so long. It started out like that when we were just friends and only deepened the further we went into our relationship.
Now, as far as what has been the most difficult thing for me to be honest about. Wow. I'd have to say that it's extremely difficult for me to ask for help, no matter what the problem is that I am struggling with, I hate to ask for help, because I've been trained (because of my past) to believe that asking for help means that I'm weak and that I've failed. Mistress has worked had to try and erase that thinking from my mind and while I'd love to say that it's entirely gone, I don't feel that it would be honest to say that, when I'm really unsure about that. I do know that I've grown in this area, and have been able to swallow back my feelings about it a few times to ask for her help, or the help of another. But I can't say with certainty that I would be able to do that all the time, no matter what. I've grown though, and to me, that is what truly matters.
I just feel as though, if I weren't honest with Mistress at all times then I would basically be slapping her in the face and telling her that I don't trust her, nor respect her. Just the thought of that makes me cringe! I can't imagine every treating Mistress like that, so why would I do it by being dishonest?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"Good girl"
Simply because of things going on in my life today, I have decided to speak about another of luna's Thursday Questions instead of just free-writing. Maybe it's a sort of cop-out, but I don't wish my blog to be tinged with certain things here that truly have nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress.
The question:
How important is the phrase, “Good Girl” to you? How do you feel when it is said? Do you have other words of praise that you love to hear from your owner?
Mistress doesn't say good girl to me very often, so when she does I know it's because I did something exceptionally well. However, she uses other words that I believe have a much deeper impact on me than that does. Some of those are dirty girl, cunt whore, dirty whore, fuck puppy, slut puppy, and various other similar "pet names". I think those words send me into a deeper mind frame than good girl does, oddly enough. And I think it has a lot to do with the sound of her voice when she says them. I can feel the pride in her when she calls me those names. I can with good girl as well, but it's different somehow, and I'm not sure how to explain it really. The feeling I get when Mistress uses those names with me is one of pure ownership and love. Not love like many people would think, though, as Mistress and I have a very different kind of relationship. We love one another, very deeply, but it's not at all a sexual love. Which tends to confuse some people, but it works for us. It also gives me a feeling of humiliation, even if there is no one else there but the two of us. I feel humiliated or embarrassed that she sees certain things in me like that. Things that most people who know me have no clue about and would guess. The way Mistress says certain things can have me floating around in head space probably faster than most other things. *Grins* I think she tends to enjoy that as much as I do.
The question:
How important is the phrase, “Good Girl” to you? How do you feel when it is said? Do you have other words of praise that you love to hear from your owner?
Mistress doesn't say good girl to me very often, so when she does I know it's because I did something exceptionally well. However, she uses other words that I believe have a much deeper impact on me than that does. Some of those are dirty girl, cunt whore, dirty whore, fuck puppy, slut puppy, and various other similar "pet names". I think those words send me into a deeper mind frame than good girl does, oddly enough. And I think it has a lot to do with the sound of her voice when she says them. I can feel the pride in her when she calls me those names. I can with good girl as well, but it's different somehow, and I'm not sure how to explain it really. The feeling I get when Mistress uses those names with me is one of pure ownership and love. Not love like many people would think, though, as Mistress and I have a very different kind of relationship. We love one another, very deeply, but it's not at all a sexual love. Which tends to confuse some people, but it works for us. It also gives me a feeling of humiliation, even if there is no one else there but the two of us. I feel humiliated or embarrassed that she sees certain things in me like that. Things that most people who know me have no clue about and would guess. The way Mistress says certain things can have me floating around in head space probably faster than most other things. *Grins* I think she tends to enjoy that as much as I do.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A day late..
And a dollar short? Drats! I need all the dollars I can get right now. Heh!
No, seriously, I was suppose to blog yesterday but I've been ill again. Still am today and was even sent home from work early because of it. I'm just now feeling well enough to really sit here and try to form some coherent thoughts.
So there isn't a whole lot to say right now as far as what is going on with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, because of the holidays and other things going on outside of the relationship. However, a few days ago I was reading through luna's blog at her Thursday Questions. I figured I'd go back through them and discuss some of them here periodically when there isn't much else to talk about, like now.
Here's the one I chose for today.
Everyone gets angry, but as a submissive how do you convey that anger? What ways do you release the anger? What if you are angry with your partner? How do you safely express your feelings without regrets?
I can honestly say that I've never been angry with Mistress. Granted, there have been times when I've felt frustrated when we are having trouble communicating to one another, but that's not very often. And when it does happen, we both try to take a step back, breathe and then try to explain things to the other person in a different way. It works more times than it doesn't.
Also, I know that if for some reason I ever do become angry with Mistress that she would wish for me to tell her. But I wouldn't just be allowed to yell or scream it at her. I would do my best to approach her calmly and rationally, and then discuss whatever the situation was together and come to common ground.
If I'm angry with others, there is a very specific way that Mistress has me deal with it which involves writing it out - why I'm angry, what happened to make me angry or hurt, and to truly forgive the person and write that out as well. It helps me immensely to be able to release pent up anger and hurt. Sometimes, too, she might have me write the person a letter, or speak directly to them. It's all about taking back your own power, and not handing it out for others to use and abuse. And it works.
No, seriously, I was suppose to blog yesterday but I've been ill again. Still am today and was even sent home from work early because of it. I'm just now feeling well enough to really sit here and try to form some coherent thoughts.
So there isn't a whole lot to say right now as far as what is going on with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, because of the holidays and other things going on outside of the relationship. However, a few days ago I was reading through luna's blog at her Thursday Questions. I figured I'd go back through them and discuss some of them here periodically when there isn't much else to talk about, like now.
Here's the one I chose for today.
Everyone gets angry, but as a submissive how do you convey that anger? What ways do you release the anger? What if you are angry with your partner? How do you safely express your feelings without regrets?
I can honestly say that I've never been angry with Mistress. Granted, there have been times when I've felt frustrated when we are having trouble communicating to one another, but that's not very often. And when it does happen, we both try to take a step back, breathe and then try to explain things to the other person in a different way. It works more times than it doesn't.
Also, I know that if for some reason I ever do become angry with Mistress that she would wish for me to tell her. But I wouldn't just be allowed to yell or scream it at her. I would do my best to approach her calmly and rationally, and then discuss whatever the situation was together and come to common ground.
If I'm angry with others, there is a very specific way that Mistress has me deal with it which involves writing it out - why I'm angry, what happened to make me angry or hurt, and to truly forgive the person and write that out as well. It helps me immensely to be able to release pent up anger and hurt. Sometimes, too, she might have me write the person a letter, or speak directly to them. It's all about taking back your own power, and not handing it out for others to use and abuse. And it works.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Ack!
I missed three blogging days again! Bleh, I hate that. But, it wasn't just because I 'didn't do it'. I've been busy, as I know everyone has, with the holidays and family things going on recently. I need to learn to balance those things with my life of submission better. It kind of seems to me like I am having trouble integrating the two, when they really shouldn't be so separate. Since my family has no clue about my lifestyle choices sometimes it is very difficult for me to do things that I know I should be and need to be doing for myself and for Mistress and our relationship. It feels like I either am totally focused on my family and leave out a big chunk of my submission things, or I am entirely focused on my submission and leave my family on the back burner. Is there a happy medium? If anyone out there even reads my blog and you have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear from you! And any tips or anything you might have on finding that balance.
My life with my family has been a little bit topsy-turvy of late and I'm ready for a change. I also still need to find a second job and very soon. Like, yesterday! I don't like the stress I've been feeling lately and I feel like if I could just get the change that I so desperately need, the stress would be at a bare minimum once again. But it will be months, six or so, before that happens.
I also am worried about getting the winter blues. For the past several years, since my mom passed away, every winter is incredibly difficult for me and it's a struggle each year not to sink into a pretty deep depression. Last years was very bad, one of the worst and had it not been for Mistress I am not sure I would have got out of it when I did. I think I've touched on this a little in another post or two, but last year I pulled away from everyone and everything. It wasn't until Mistress (who wasn't my Mistress at the time, but a very close and good Dominant friend) came to me and got in my face to tell me how much she loves and cares about me, that others do as well, and I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Not her exact words, but that's the jist of what she meant. And it worked. Not right away, but it slowly did what she wanted it to do. So I'm more conscious that this happens to me in the winter and am hoping to avoid it this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
My life with my family has been a little bit topsy-turvy of late and I'm ready for a change. I also still need to find a second job and very soon. Like, yesterday! I don't like the stress I've been feeling lately and I feel like if I could just get the change that I so desperately need, the stress would be at a bare minimum once again. But it will be months, six or so, before that happens.
I also am worried about getting the winter blues. For the past several years, since my mom passed away, every winter is incredibly difficult for me and it's a struggle each year not to sink into a pretty deep depression. Last years was very bad, one of the worst and had it not been for Mistress I am not sure I would have got out of it when I did. I think I've touched on this a little in another post or two, but last year I pulled away from everyone and everything. It wasn't until Mistress (who wasn't my Mistress at the time, but a very close and good Dominant friend) came to me and got in my face to tell me how much she loves and cares about me, that others do as well, and I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Not her exact words, but that's the jist of what she meant. And it worked. Not right away, but it slowly did what she wanted it to do. So I'm more conscious that this happens to me in the winter and am hoping to avoid it this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Just the way of life
So, Mistress is still under the weather and I seem to be doing better with each day. I just wish there were something I could do for Her. Hopefully, She'll be back on Her feet in the next day or so. *Crosses fingers for that*
Not a lot to really blog about since Monday. I worked all day yesterday and today I've been busy with my schedule'd tasks for the day. Mainly cleaning things around the house and getting laundry taken care of. The normal, every day life type of things. Of course, today is the day that I'm suppose to masturbate for an hour, but I wasn't able to do that. Actually, I haven't been able to do any of the scheduled times for that the past week and a half now, for reasons that I won't go into here, but I'm starting to really be annoyed that I can't. I've never been big on masturbating, until Mistress put it into my schedule and now I've grown to love it, so now I miss it! And I want it back. Hopefully, I'll be able to continue before my next scheduled time. I think I need it.
Oh, I'm hoping to shampoo some carpets here over the weekend. There is still a lot of deep cleaning needing to be done, and I'm working on that. I think, though, that if I get the carpets shampood and steam-cleaned then I'll have even more desire to get to the nitty-gritty in every room of the house.
Yeah, alright, so that's not really something you'd find in most submissive blogs, right? But not everything a submissive does is fun or about sex and play time either. They still have every day life things to do just like everybody else. And that just happens to be part of mine. It's just part of being human.
Not a lot to really blog about since Monday. I worked all day yesterday and today I've been busy with my schedule'd tasks for the day. Mainly cleaning things around the house and getting laundry taken care of. The normal, every day life type of things. Of course, today is the day that I'm suppose to masturbate for an hour, but I wasn't able to do that. Actually, I haven't been able to do any of the scheduled times for that the past week and a half now, for reasons that I won't go into here, but I'm starting to really be annoyed that I can't. I've never been big on masturbating, until Mistress put it into my schedule and now I've grown to love it, so now I miss it! And I want it back. Hopefully, I'll be able to continue before my next scheduled time. I think I need it.
Oh, I'm hoping to shampoo some carpets here over the weekend. There is still a lot of deep cleaning needing to be done, and I'm working on that. I think, though, that if I get the carpets shampood and steam-cleaned then I'll have even more desire to get to the nitty-gritty in every room of the house.
Yeah, alright, so that's not really something you'd find in most submissive blogs, right? But not everything a submissive does is fun or about sex and play time either. They still have every day life things to do just like everybody else. And that just happens to be part of mine. It's just part of being human.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Missed Blogging
So, I missed blogging all last week because I was incredibly busy with things dealing with my job and some family things that I needed to get taken care of. It actually feels odd not to have blogged last week, and I have this feeling of "being behind". It's really kind of strange.
And, if we're being totally honest. I don't feel like blogging right now - at least physically I don't. I've been sick since last Thursday and still am not feeling up to par. I really just feel like crawling back under the sheets, but I can't do that. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, so I'm trying to get myself up a little more today so hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Plus, I don't like missing my blog time. When I don't blog, I feel like I'm throwing my entire week out of whack, and I guess in a way I am.
Anyhow, that is not the purpose of this blog and I know it. Technically though, there isn't all that much to say about my submission right now. Mistress has been busy with her family as well as being ill, but we've still managed to have some time together, which is nice. I just worry about her and wish she would rest. (And I do know She feels the same about me.)
Oh I know something that I've been thinking about lately. How since I came back from my vacation from submission, everything has been much calmer. Not just within my relationship with Mistress, but pretty much in all aspects of my life. There are stresses, sure, but I find that I'm approaching them with a clearer head and not just flying off the handle when the situation doesn't warrant it. I feel like that is in large part due to the fact that I am still thinking about the things I'm grateful for daily and also because Mistress helped me see things in a different light than I did before. Basically, I'm just taking every day as it comes and not worrying too much about tomorrow or next week, or even next month. And Goddess knows I am a huge worrier, so that is a feat in itself! :) Yay me!
I believe that my trust in Mistress has increased greatly as well. And really a part of me hates to admit that, because I always thought that I already trusted her implicitly, but apparently I was only deceiving myself. Mistress knew all along that I didn't have complete and total trust in Her, I just didn't see it. Now I see that. And while I'd love to say that I do not trust Her with absolutely everything, I am leery of saying that now because whose to say that tomorrow something might prove that wrong? All I can say is that my trust has increased, and because of that I feel like Mistress' trust me has improved as well - though She hasn't told me that, so I can't say for certain.
We're on the right track. I can feel it, and it's exciting!
And, if we're being totally honest. I don't feel like blogging right now - at least physically I don't. I've been sick since last Thursday and still am not feeling up to par. I really just feel like crawling back under the sheets, but I can't do that. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, so I'm trying to get myself up a little more today so hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Plus, I don't like missing my blog time. When I don't blog, I feel like I'm throwing my entire week out of whack, and I guess in a way I am.
Anyhow, that is not the purpose of this blog and I know it. Technically though, there isn't all that much to say about my submission right now. Mistress has been busy with her family as well as being ill, but we've still managed to have some time together, which is nice. I just worry about her and wish she would rest. (And I do know She feels the same about me.)
Oh I know something that I've been thinking about lately. How since I came back from my vacation from submission, everything has been much calmer. Not just within my relationship with Mistress, but pretty much in all aspects of my life. There are stresses, sure, but I find that I'm approaching them with a clearer head and not just flying off the handle when the situation doesn't warrant it. I feel like that is in large part due to the fact that I am still thinking about the things I'm grateful for daily and also because Mistress helped me see things in a different light than I did before. Basically, I'm just taking every day as it comes and not worrying too much about tomorrow or next week, or even next month. And Goddess knows I am a huge worrier, so that is a feat in itself! :) Yay me!
I believe that my trust in Mistress has increased greatly as well. And really a part of me hates to admit that, because I always thought that I already trusted her implicitly, but apparently I was only deceiving myself. Mistress knew all along that I didn't have complete and total trust in Her, I just didn't see it. Now I see that. And while I'd love to say that I do not trust Her with absolutely everything, I am leery of saying that now because whose to say that tomorrow something might prove that wrong? All I can say is that my trust has increased, and because of that I feel like Mistress' trust me has improved as well - though She hasn't told me that, so I can't say for certain.
We're on the right track. I can feel it, and it's exciting!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A Little Homework
Once again, I'm not entirely sure what to write about. It bugs me when I don't have all that much to say here because I feel like this is such an important part of my journey. I know it doesn't really matter how long my entries here are, not really, but still it bothers me at times.
Anyhow, Mistress gave me a new homework assignment, and that was to rewrite my schedule how I felt it would fit me best with the changes that have taken place in my life. It's due to Her today by 5pm, and I already sent it by email. I didn't change much from the schedule She had given me, but there were a few things I rearranged. I'm curious to find out what She will think about the changes I made. As soon as She adds in some other things and approves it all then I'll post the new schedule here for all to see.
Oh, Mistress and I did have a very good conversation a few days ago about all the lessons I've learned in the past few months and how I feel about my mantra (which I might eventually post here). I was able to express to Her how I feel like She has helped me finally come to love myself for who and what I am. To love me exactly where I'm at in life and not degrade myself for the things that I've not yet done, or the mistakes I've made. That's a huge thing for me. I don't think my writing here really reflects just how badly I used to think of myself. I think a large part of that is because I didn't really believe it was as bad as it was, until I stopped doing it. Mistress really has taught me so much. :)
And, really, apart from that, not a whole lot has been going on that I can write about here. Our r/t's have kept us both very busy of late and I'm not sure that I see it letting up any time soon, though one can hope. I'm just happy that, well, I'm happy. *laughs*
Anyhow, Mistress gave me a new homework assignment, and that was to rewrite my schedule how I felt it would fit me best with the changes that have taken place in my life. It's due to Her today by 5pm, and I already sent it by email. I didn't change much from the schedule She had given me, but there were a few things I rearranged. I'm curious to find out what She will think about the changes I made. As soon as She adds in some other things and approves it all then I'll post the new schedule here for all to see.
Oh, Mistress and I did have a very good conversation a few days ago about all the lessons I've learned in the past few months and how I feel about my mantra (which I might eventually post here). I was able to express to Her how I feel like She has helped me finally come to love myself for who and what I am. To love me exactly where I'm at in life and not degrade myself for the things that I've not yet done, or the mistakes I've made. That's a huge thing for me. I don't think my writing here really reflects just how badly I used to think of myself. I think a large part of that is because I didn't really believe it was as bad as it was, until I stopped doing it. Mistress really has taught me so much. :)
And, really, apart from that, not a whole lot has been going on that I can write about here. Our r/t's have kept us both very busy of late and I'm not sure that I see it letting up any time soon, though one can hope. I'm just happy that, well, I'm happy. *laughs*
Monday, November 3, 2008
Should Rules Be Ignored?
I actually am not at all sure what to write about today. Not a whole lot has been going on since I blogged last Wednesday. I've spent a lot of time with my family and preparing things for work and Mistress has been busy with her family as well. I know it will be like this a lot in the coming weeks and possibly months because of the holidays and such. But the time that I have had with my Mistress has been great. It's been relaxing and just us talking about various things. I think we need those times just as much as any other, more intense times that we have together. We're balanced and I'm so glad for that.
So, I've thought about something recently and thought maybe I should write about here. It has nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, but something I've observed in some other lifestyle relationships and I'm just curious about it.
I've watched many dominants and submissives entering into new relationships together and they agree on the outset about rules and such that the submissive will have through the relationship. Then as they progress through their time together, the submissive will break one of the rules and even though the dominant most likely realizes this, they do nothing about it. No punishment, no outward acknowledgment of it.
I just wonder at the wisdom, or lack thereof, in this. How does it affect the relationship?
It could be that the dominant is waiting to see if the submissive will come to them and say that they broke a rule, or that the submissive is waiting and hoping that the dominant didn't notice and therefor won't punish him/her. It could be any number of things, right?
I, personally, would not wish to be in a relationship like that. Just not my cup of tea. I need to know that no matter what the rules are the rules and aren't to be broken, and if they are then there will be consequences for it. I need those clear boundaries.
Anyone out there have any comments about any of this? I'm curious to hear what others might think.
So, I've thought about something recently and thought maybe I should write about here. It has nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, but something I've observed in some other lifestyle relationships and I'm just curious about it.
I've watched many dominants and submissives entering into new relationships together and they agree on the outset about rules and such that the submissive will have through the relationship. Then as they progress through their time together, the submissive will break one of the rules and even though the dominant most likely realizes this, they do nothing about it. No punishment, no outward acknowledgment of it.
I just wonder at the wisdom, or lack thereof, in this. How does it affect the relationship?
It could be that the dominant is waiting to see if the submissive will come to them and say that they broke a rule, or that the submissive is waiting and hoping that the dominant didn't notice and therefor won't punish him/her. It could be any number of things, right?
I, personally, would not wish to be in a relationship like that. Just not my cup of tea. I need to know that no matter what the rules are the rules and aren't to be broken, and if they are then there will be consequences for it. I need those clear boundaries.
Anyone out there have any comments about any of this? I'm curious to hear what others might think.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Getting Back in the Swing of Things
Well, I have my schedule back full time now, but it's been a lot harder to get back into it this time than it was when I first started it. And it's only because of something that has changed in my life, which I am not up to talking about here. However, Mistress has told me that She is thinking about changing my schedule some to help with that. The thing I am most thankful to have back is my mantra. It totally grounds me in a way that I never thought possible. It makes me feel secure within myself and my submission.
Since my vacation, I feel like Mistress and I have had more time together. I'm not sure that it's really been more time, or better quality of time. Everything has been calm and easy going. That's not to say that we "fought" or anything like that before, because we didn't. There was just tension and some frustration there that isn't there now. I'm so thankful for that and I know Mistress is as well. It makes everything a lot easier and more fun too.
She even asked me last night if she told me to go on another vacation, even without any explanation to me about why, would I do it willingly without putting up a fuss or questioning Her about it. And absolutely, I would. I mean, I don't want to have vacations from it all, all the time, otherwise what is the point? But every now and then I think it's a good thing. At least it was this first time and it made me totally realize the things I'm grateful for within our relationship and outside of it as well.
That's all for now. Today, my schedule is all mixed up because of some things that I have to get done and I knew I wouldn't have much time to blog, but I wanted to get at least something in here. There should be more coming next Monday. So, until then...
Be good at being naughty..
Since my vacation, I feel like Mistress and I have had more time together. I'm not sure that it's really been more time, or better quality of time. Everything has been calm and easy going. That's not to say that we "fought" or anything like that before, because we didn't. There was just tension and some frustration there that isn't there now. I'm so thankful for that and I know Mistress is as well. It makes everything a lot easier and more fun too.
She even asked me last night if she told me to go on another vacation, even without any explanation to me about why, would I do it willingly without putting up a fuss or questioning Her about it. And absolutely, I would. I mean, I don't want to have vacations from it all, all the time, otherwise what is the point? But every now and then I think it's a good thing. At least it was this first time and it made me totally realize the things I'm grateful for within our relationship and outside of it as well.
That's all for now. Today, my schedule is all mixed up because of some things that I have to get done and I knew I wouldn't have much time to blog, but I wanted to get at least something in here. There should be more coming next Monday. So, until then...
Be good at being naughty..
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Vacation From Submission
Well, I am not entirely sure where to start, or how far back to go. *muses*
Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.
We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.
Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.
The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.
My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.
She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.
Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*
We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.
What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)
Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.
Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.
So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.
Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.
Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.
It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.
The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.
At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.
However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.
I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).
When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.
I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.
One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.
Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)
I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.
By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.
~*~*~*~
Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore
Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.
We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.
Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.
The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.
My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.
She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.
Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*
We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.
What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)
Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.
Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.
So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.
Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.
Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.
It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.
The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.
At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.
However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.
I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).
When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.
I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.
One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.
Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)
I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.
By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.
~*~*~*~
Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore
Monday, October 13, 2008
Belonging
I've done a lot of thinking over the weekend and even before last weekend hit. I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life with Mistress and Sir. I don't really remember if I've talked about how she has told me that I can't and won't be fully and completely Her's until I am able to see in myself what She does. In other words, I have to truly believe that I am strong, beautiful, and that I deserve the love and trust She gives me. I've struggled with this greatly. Not only with Mistress, but even in my other relationships.
You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.
However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.
Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.
I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.
Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.
Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.
Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.
I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)
So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.
I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!
My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)
Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.
Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!
You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.
However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.
Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.
I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.
Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.
Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.
Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.
I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)
So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.
I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!
My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)
Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.
Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Just another dream
I have a little extra time in my schedule right now and figured that I would come on here to write out a dream I had last night. Mistress has expressed to me that she would like to see me writing them out here in my blog, so I'll be doing more of that as I have them, in addition to writing about what is going on with us.
The Dream
Mistress and I had been planning a big shopping trip to the city for a few weeks now and the day had finally arrived. We woke up early to head out for our exciting day, and Mistress told me to go get the wireless vibe toy and slide it in. *gulps* She always has the remote with her and I'm not allowed to touch it. (In the dream at least, we don't really have a toy like that.) I did as Mistress said and then we set off to head into the city.
As we drove she would periodically turn it on low and torment me by telling me how dirty I am, and how I really am her cum slut. Every time I would get squirmy and start begging to be allowed to release, she would deny me and turn it off so that I could relax for a short while and calm down. By the time we got to the mall in the city, I was so horny and wet that I wasn't even sure I could get out of the car and walk without people thinking something weird was going on with me. Somehow, I managed it, though.
We went from store to store in the mall and Mistress would turn it on every so often there as well, though we were much more discrete in the stores than we had been in the car. It got to the point that every time she turned it on I would freeze and pray that I wouldn't release without permission first.
At noon, we made our way to the food court in the mall and while we ate Mistress asked me if I wanted release. I whimpered and rocked forward in my chair, quietly begging her to allow it. She told me she would allow me release only if while we continued shopping I would ask ten different people (half men, and half women) if they had ever worn a sex toy under their clothing while in public. Normally, I would be too embarrassed to even think about going up to strangers to even ask where a restroom is, much less something so intimate and personal. However, in the frenzied and wanton state Mistress had so effectively put me in, I didn't care about being embarrassed. I only wanted and needed release.
For the rest of the afternoon, I scoped out random strangers and walked up to them as confidently as I possibly could to ask them what Mistress wished me to ask them. She stood far enough away to not be totally obvious, though close enough to hear what I said and their responses. While I spoke to the strangers, Mistress would randomly turn the vibe on to torment me even worse and I would flush deeper and try not to whimper and squirm against it.
Unfortunately, I woke up before I made it through the ten strangers, so I don't know if I was ever allowed the release that I so desperately needed. Go figure! *laughs* But, still, it was a nice dream!
The Dream
Mistress and I had been planning a big shopping trip to the city for a few weeks now and the day had finally arrived. We woke up early to head out for our exciting day, and Mistress told me to go get the wireless vibe toy and slide it in. *gulps* She always has the remote with her and I'm not allowed to touch it. (In the dream at least, we don't really have a toy like that.) I did as Mistress said and then we set off to head into the city.
As we drove she would periodically turn it on low and torment me by telling me how dirty I am, and how I really am her cum slut. Every time I would get squirmy and start begging to be allowed to release, she would deny me and turn it off so that I could relax for a short while and calm down. By the time we got to the mall in the city, I was so horny and wet that I wasn't even sure I could get out of the car and walk without people thinking something weird was going on with me. Somehow, I managed it, though.
We went from store to store in the mall and Mistress would turn it on every so often there as well, though we were much more discrete in the stores than we had been in the car. It got to the point that every time she turned it on I would freeze and pray that I wouldn't release without permission first.
At noon, we made our way to the food court in the mall and while we ate Mistress asked me if I wanted release. I whimpered and rocked forward in my chair, quietly begging her to allow it. She told me she would allow me release only if while we continued shopping I would ask ten different people (half men, and half women) if they had ever worn a sex toy under their clothing while in public. Normally, I would be too embarrassed to even think about going up to strangers to even ask where a restroom is, much less something so intimate and personal. However, in the frenzied and wanton state Mistress had so effectively put me in, I didn't care about being embarrassed. I only wanted and needed release.
For the rest of the afternoon, I scoped out random strangers and walked up to them as confidently as I possibly could to ask them what Mistress wished me to ask them. She stood far enough away to not be totally obvious, though close enough to hear what I said and their responses. While I spoke to the strangers, Mistress would randomly turn the vibe on to torment me even worse and I would flush deeper and try not to whimper and squirm against it.
Unfortunately, I woke up before I made it through the ten strangers, so I don't know if I was ever allowed the release that I so desperately needed. Go figure! *laughs* But, still, it was a nice dream!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A Great Analogy
It's been quite an interesting week thus far. Yesterday morning I was late for work and had to deal with some things with my boss that were a little bit frustrating, but pretty much will work themselves out. Then today I over-slept and haven't fell all that great so I haven't got much accomplished.
Despite that, Monday night Mistress and I had a very good conversation. We talked about us, and Sir and how things might progress eventually. During our conversation she actually used the term "Sir" for the first time ever and it really struck a chord with me. Not at all in a bad way, but somehow I just wanted her to keep saying it. I don't know how things will work out, none of us do, and we'll just have to see how it goes and what happens along the way, it's not anything we can force. But I find myself dreaming more and more of him, along with Her and myself. He's been in many of my dreams lately and I find myself enjoying the thought more and more of him someday being my Master. It was so good to talk to Mistress about that and many other things.
I realize now, even moreso, what I've been doing to Her property (to myself). And it's because of an analogy she gave me the other thing. She told me to think about a knick-knack I have, my favorite one and I loved it so much that I bought a special shelf just for it. One day my sister comes over and moves my knick-knack from the shelf and puts in on my desk, turning it so that you can only see part of it, not all of it like you could on the shelf. But I moved it back to the shelf, only to have my sister move it again and tell me that the shelf was ugly and the knick-knack was as well, but that where she put it on the desk it looked a little better. She asked how I would feel and what I would do. So I told her that I'd be upset with my sister for moving my things, and that I would tell her just because she doesn't see the value in my things that I do, doesn't mean that they're ugly or unloveable. It was then that I realized just what she had been trying so hard to tell me lately about myself and how when I put myself down it hurts her because it's like me telling her that the things and people she loves are not important and mean nothing. That I am not important, and mean nothing to her. I was trying to tell her that it's ok to treat me like dirt. And it's not. At all. (I'm not saying that she does, please don't think that.)
I hope so much that I can stop doing this and keep myself where she put me because that is where she wants me to be. Actually, I know that I will do it. There's no other choice. I want nothing more than to make her happy and proud of me. I always wish that she is proud of who and what she owns. She's given me back such a huge part of myself that I can't help but want to do everything in my power to prove my love, loyalty, trust and respect to her. She's given me back the confidence I need in order to be the submissive that used to lurk so deeply inside that very few saw her, or new the depths of her abilities. But Mistress knew that part of me, even more than I did, and she's pulled it out slowly. I think, though, that there is even more than neither of us has ever seen. I look forward to exploring that with her.
Despite that, Monday night Mistress and I had a very good conversation. We talked about us, and Sir and how things might progress eventually. During our conversation she actually used the term "Sir" for the first time ever and it really struck a chord with me. Not at all in a bad way, but somehow I just wanted her to keep saying it. I don't know how things will work out, none of us do, and we'll just have to see how it goes and what happens along the way, it's not anything we can force. But I find myself dreaming more and more of him, along with Her and myself. He's been in many of my dreams lately and I find myself enjoying the thought more and more of him someday being my Master. It was so good to talk to Mistress about that and many other things.
I realize now, even moreso, what I've been doing to Her property (to myself). And it's because of an analogy she gave me the other thing. She told me to think about a knick-knack I have, my favorite one and I loved it so much that I bought a special shelf just for it. One day my sister comes over and moves my knick-knack from the shelf and puts in on my desk, turning it so that you can only see part of it, not all of it like you could on the shelf. But I moved it back to the shelf, only to have my sister move it again and tell me that the shelf was ugly and the knick-knack was as well, but that where she put it on the desk it looked a little better. She asked how I would feel and what I would do. So I told her that I'd be upset with my sister for moving my things, and that I would tell her just because she doesn't see the value in my things that I do, doesn't mean that they're ugly or unloveable. It was then that I realized just what she had been trying so hard to tell me lately about myself and how when I put myself down it hurts her because it's like me telling her that the things and people she loves are not important and mean nothing. That I am not important, and mean nothing to her. I was trying to tell her that it's ok to treat me like dirt. And it's not. At all. (I'm not saying that she does, please don't think that.)
I hope so much that I can stop doing this and keep myself where she put me because that is where she wants me to be. Actually, I know that I will do it. There's no other choice. I want nothing more than to make her happy and proud of me. I always wish that she is proud of who and what she owns. She's given me back such a huge part of myself that I can't help but want to do everything in my power to prove my love, loyalty, trust and respect to her. She's given me back the confidence I need in order to be the submissive that used to lurk so deeply inside that very few saw her, or new the depths of her abilities. But Mistress knew that part of me, even more than I did, and she's pulled it out slowly. I think, though, that there is even more than neither of us has ever seen. I look forward to exploring that with her.
Monday, October 6, 2008
My, oh my!
My, oh my, where to start.
Well, a few days ago my Mistress and I had a long conversation that wasn't all that pleasant. She has tried and tried to help me with my self-esteem and to build it up to where it should be, instead of where it is. And I haven't really made any head way with it, which is extremely frustrating to her. She told me it makes her feel like she has failed me as my Mistress and that until I quit going back to what others I've been with in the past drilled into my head, I can never fully submit to her. That hurts. Badly. And I hate it, but I know she is right.
So, I know I was already suppose to be doing this, and I was - sometimes, just not all the time - I am no longer going to allow fear, worry or negativity in my head. If it tries to worm its way in, then it will be shot down right then and there. Every bit of it. A friend of mine, who I will call Angel, and I both have the same problem. And we're both submissive. Her Owner (I'll call him, Bear.) and mine are friends, I am friends with him as well, and all that good stuff. Well, her and I have decided that we will help one another with this and every day we are going to come up with three things for that particular day that we happy with about ourselves. Then we have to share them with each other. We're going to encourage one another along the way in this, and some other things as well that have nothing to do with out submission. I'm so glad I have someone that is in a somewhat similar boat as me.
Anyhow, I feel like this was a turning point for me and my Mistress. Even though I haven't accomplished it yet, I know that I will and when I do I will be able to completely give my whole self over to her. Something that I've wanted for a very long time.
So here goes the law of attraction in practice. I love myself!
On another note, I have had some very vivid dreams of late. In large part because of things my Mistress has said to me recently. And some of them are just too good not to write about. So I hope you enjoy a glimpse into my mind.
Dream 1: Mistress and I are in an alley, behind a school (either high school or college) and she has me completely naked and down on my hands and knees on the hard pebbly alley ground. She is dressed in something that looks similar to a school girl outfit and has a frat paddle in her hands. She tells me that I've been naughty and she's going to spank me right there, but that I am not allowed to make even a tiny sound or I'll be punished. So as the swats of the paddle get harder and harder, I start to scream with each one, which only makes her spank me even harder, while telling me again to be quiet. I'm so loud that a cop shows up and tells us that he is going to arrest us both. But I don't want him to arrest my Mistress, so I crawl to him and beg him not to arrest her and tell him that I'll do anything, anything at all if he will just let her go. So he makes me suck his cock right there in the alley, in front of my Mistress. He throat fucked me so hard that I gagged and Mistress was upset with me over it, so she spanked me again. I was a sobbing mess by the time it was over. He blindfolded me and put me into his police car to take me to jail. When the blindfold came off, I found myself in my Owner's home, locked in a cage for the night. Sir was the cop that I had to get off and I didn't realize it until now.
Dream 2: In this one, I am asleep in my bedroom in my Owner's home and Mistress and Sir come in. They blindfold me and tie my hands behind my back, then one of them fucks me in the ass and the other fucks my cunt. There was nothing I could do about it, other than just take it.
Dream 3: Similar to the 2nd one, but after they gag me, they tied me to the bed on my belly, with pillows under my hips and between my legs. Then they proceeded to fuck each other and I was told to hump the pillows but not to cum. I couldn't hold back though and ended up cumming. They "punished" me by making me clean his cock and balls and her cunt with my tongue.
Well, there you have it. A look into my mind and what goes on in it at times. Granted, these were all sort of planted there by things my Mistress has said to me, but parts of it were just my imagination running wild.
Well, a few days ago my Mistress and I had a long conversation that wasn't all that pleasant. She has tried and tried to help me with my self-esteem and to build it up to where it should be, instead of where it is. And I haven't really made any head way with it, which is extremely frustrating to her. She told me it makes her feel like she has failed me as my Mistress and that until I quit going back to what others I've been with in the past drilled into my head, I can never fully submit to her. That hurts. Badly. And I hate it, but I know she is right.
So, I know I was already suppose to be doing this, and I was - sometimes, just not all the time - I am no longer going to allow fear, worry or negativity in my head. If it tries to worm its way in, then it will be shot down right then and there. Every bit of it. A friend of mine, who I will call Angel, and I both have the same problem. And we're both submissive. Her Owner (I'll call him, Bear.) and mine are friends, I am friends with him as well, and all that good stuff. Well, her and I have decided that we will help one another with this and every day we are going to come up with three things for that particular day that we happy with about ourselves. Then we have to share them with each other. We're going to encourage one another along the way in this, and some other things as well that have nothing to do with out submission. I'm so glad I have someone that is in a somewhat similar boat as me.
Anyhow, I feel like this was a turning point for me and my Mistress. Even though I haven't accomplished it yet, I know that I will and when I do I will be able to completely give my whole self over to her. Something that I've wanted for a very long time.
So here goes the law of attraction in practice. I love myself!
On another note, I have had some very vivid dreams of late. In large part because of things my Mistress has said to me recently. And some of them are just too good not to write about. So I hope you enjoy a glimpse into my mind.
Dream 1: Mistress and I are in an alley, behind a school (either high school or college) and she has me completely naked and down on my hands and knees on the hard pebbly alley ground. She is dressed in something that looks similar to a school girl outfit and has a frat paddle in her hands. She tells me that I've been naughty and she's going to spank me right there, but that I am not allowed to make even a tiny sound or I'll be punished. So as the swats of the paddle get harder and harder, I start to scream with each one, which only makes her spank me even harder, while telling me again to be quiet. I'm so loud that a cop shows up and tells us that he is going to arrest us both. But I don't want him to arrest my Mistress, so I crawl to him and beg him not to arrest her and tell him that I'll do anything, anything at all if he will just let her go. So he makes me suck his cock right there in the alley, in front of my Mistress. He throat fucked me so hard that I gagged and Mistress was upset with me over it, so she spanked me again. I was a sobbing mess by the time it was over. He blindfolded me and put me into his police car to take me to jail. When the blindfold came off, I found myself in my Owner's home, locked in a cage for the night. Sir was the cop that I had to get off and I didn't realize it until now.
Dream 2: In this one, I am asleep in my bedroom in my Owner's home and Mistress and Sir come in. They blindfold me and tie my hands behind my back, then one of them fucks me in the ass and the other fucks my cunt. There was nothing I could do about it, other than just take it.
Dream 3: Similar to the 2nd one, but after they gag me, they tied me to the bed on my belly, with pillows under my hips and between my legs. Then they proceeded to fuck each other and I was told to hump the pillows but not to cum. I couldn't hold back though and ended up cumming. They "punished" me by making me clean his cock and balls and her cunt with my tongue.
Well, there you have it. A look into my mind and what goes on in it at times. Granted, these were all sort of planted there by things my Mistress has said to me, but parts of it were just my imagination running wild.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A little something
I have felt better so far this week, and haven't started St. John's Wort yet, as I've not had the chance to get it. Tomorrow I am getting it though, I put it in my schedule already. Anyhow, I've been more upbeat this week. I had a hard day at work yesterday, which I won't really go into here, but suffice it to say that I had to slip away into the bathroom to do the breathing thing Mistress has taught me and ended up chanting my mantra twice. And still I was uptight and stressed, but at least I was able to finish out the day of work! So once I got home I took a 30 minute relaxing bath to de-stress even more and then got even more of it out when I spent time with my adorable niece.
So, what is the reason for my improved mood? Honestly, I am not entirely certain. However, I have to wonder if it might be partly because last week I ate pretty badly and this week I've been improving that again. I know that food does affect our moods, and I have to wonder if that really might be a large part of it. I hope that's what it is anyhow.
Friday, I will be helping my sister with preparing things for the party on Saturday, and then of course the party is Saturday, so part of my schedule will be a little mixed up. Also, my best friend and her daughter are hopefully coming for the weekend, and if they do, then even more of my schedule will be mixed up. However, I will do as much of it as I can with her here so that I don't get totally off track like when the hurricane hit.
That's all I have for now. Like I've said before, Wednesdays are hard to write on sometimes since it's only two days since writing before. But I'm working on improving that! :)
So, what is the reason for my improved mood? Honestly, I am not entirely certain. However, I have to wonder if it might be partly because last week I ate pretty badly and this week I've been improving that again. I know that food does affect our moods, and I have to wonder if that really might be a large part of it. I hope that's what it is anyhow.
Friday, I will be helping my sister with preparing things for the party on Saturday, and then of course the party is Saturday, so part of my schedule will be a little mixed up. Also, my best friend and her daughter are hopefully coming for the weekend, and if they do, then even more of my schedule will be mixed up. However, I will do as much of it as I can with her here so that I don't get totally off track like when the hurricane hit.
That's all I have for now. Like I've said before, Wednesdays are hard to write on sometimes since it's only two days since writing before. But I'm working on improving that! :)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Happy Birthday, Mistress!
Talk about an interesting week and weekend. Yesterday was my Mistress' birthday, so even though I told her several times yesterday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISTRESS! :) I am so very happy that she had a good birthday and that she had that beautiful smile on her face all day long. That makes me happier than anything right now.
The days leading up to her birthday were filled with family things for both her and myself. I had to help my sister with planning and shopping for things for my niece's upcoming birthday party for this next weekend. It's been a while since my sister, niece and myself have been able to have time out alone and it was a blast! We were all completely wore out by the time we got home, but still it was a great day. I was also able to get a few small things for my Mistress while we were out. My family doesn't know the type of relationship I'm involved in, so it was fun to buy my Mistress something right in front of my sister and know she had no idea who it was for or what it was about. That little air of secrecy and fear of being caught.
As my last few blogs have stated, I had been somewhat "down" or not my normal self and my Mistress and I are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with that. We haven't had as much time together lately as we normally do, but I truly do not believe that has anything to do with it. I think it's hormonal and something inside me, not something that is caused by anything external. I know one day last week, I had the urge to ask Mistress to slap me across the face, which she knows I am so totally not into. (It's fine for some, just not my thing.) I never asked her, because the feeling went away. But then over the weekend, I felt like asking her if she would make me cry, which I've never done before and actually scares me. I don't always think (for me) it's healthy to go that route. I know how I am and I tend to internalize everything and turn things around to make it into something that is shouldn't be and way bigger than it was intended. I make it personal. And I know quite well that I don't ever want Mistress to do something that I feel I need and then switch it around so that it's like I'm a victim. That's not right at all. And I know my Mistress does not wish that at all either. I did ask her last night, though, if I ever asked her to make me cry, if she would. We had a good talk about it and I found out that it truly depends on the reasons behind it, basically meaning that it can't be because I want an "excuse" to tear myself down, which I am not suppose to do anyhow. And I told her how I had wanted to ask her slap me as well.
Still, I think it all goes back to my hormones, which I think are messed up royally. I feel so out of control of my emotions lately, and even myself, in a way. There are some things that Dominants just can't control, and that's one of them. Sure, they can do things to try and improve them, but ultimately they can't control another person's emotions.
I had recently expressed to my Mistress that I feel like she gives me the world and I give her very little in return. Come to find out, she doesn't feel that way at all and has worried that she doesn't give enough to me. Honestly? That shocked the heck out of me! I truly feel as though she gives me everything I need, as well as most everything I want. She's not a cruel, harsh Mistress. She is actually very caring and loving, and I love that about her. (That's not to say that when I step out of line, she doesn't quickly get me back where I am suppose to be, because she does, and quite well!) We came to an agreement that we will both stop our negative thinking regarding that and trust one another that we are fulfilling each other's needs and even beyond that. She also suggested that I try another vitamin (is it a vitamin, or just an herb? I'm not sure.) in addition to the B Complex I've been taking, in the hopes of giving me more energy and improving my moods. So tomorrow after work I am going to buy some St. John's Wort and start taking that as well. We both know I need to see a Dr., but we also both know that I have no insurance and very little money at the moment, so for now, we need to try to find other ways to help myself, until I can get to a good Dr.
Our conversation was a very good one and today I feel more...grounded. And my hope is that she and I will always continue to talk as well as we do about everything, so that no matter what bumps may come our way, we can work through them together. I am so grateful that she is so big on communication and honesty, just as I am. I believe those two things alone can make or break a relationship.
Mistress - thank you so much for all you have done for me and continue to do. I am so glad that our paths finally matched up as they have so that we might enjoy this journey we're on together. You've given me and taught me so much more than you realize and it is because of the love and care I feel from you, that I am able to get through the difficult days, because I know that no matter what, you are still there. I love you and your guts to the moon and back times infinity. You are ~my~ perfect Mistress.
The days leading up to her birthday were filled with family things for both her and myself. I had to help my sister with planning and shopping for things for my niece's upcoming birthday party for this next weekend. It's been a while since my sister, niece and myself have been able to have time out alone and it was a blast! We were all completely wore out by the time we got home, but still it was a great day. I was also able to get a few small things for my Mistress while we were out. My family doesn't know the type of relationship I'm involved in, so it was fun to buy my Mistress something right in front of my sister and know she had no idea who it was for or what it was about. That little air of secrecy and fear of being caught.
As my last few blogs have stated, I had been somewhat "down" or not my normal self and my Mistress and I are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with that. We haven't had as much time together lately as we normally do, but I truly do not believe that has anything to do with it. I think it's hormonal and something inside me, not something that is caused by anything external. I know one day last week, I had the urge to ask Mistress to slap me across the face, which she knows I am so totally not into. (It's fine for some, just not my thing.) I never asked her, because the feeling went away. But then over the weekend, I felt like asking her if she would make me cry, which I've never done before and actually scares me. I don't always think (for me) it's healthy to go that route. I know how I am and I tend to internalize everything and turn things around to make it into something that is shouldn't be and way bigger than it was intended. I make it personal. And I know quite well that I don't ever want Mistress to do something that I feel I need and then switch it around so that it's like I'm a victim. That's not right at all. And I know my Mistress does not wish that at all either. I did ask her last night, though, if I ever asked her to make me cry, if she would. We had a good talk about it and I found out that it truly depends on the reasons behind it, basically meaning that it can't be because I want an "excuse" to tear myself down, which I am not suppose to do anyhow. And I told her how I had wanted to ask her slap me as well.
Still, I think it all goes back to my hormones, which I think are messed up royally. I feel so out of control of my emotions lately, and even myself, in a way. There are some things that Dominants just can't control, and that's one of them. Sure, they can do things to try and improve them, but ultimately they can't control another person's emotions.
I had recently expressed to my Mistress that I feel like she gives me the world and I give her very little in return. Come to find out, she doesn't feel that way at all and has worried that she doesn't give enough to me. Honestly? That shocked the heck out of me! I truly feel as though she gives me everything I need, as well as most everything I want. She's not a cruel, harsh Mistress. She is actually very caring and loving, and I love that about her. (That's not to say that when I step out of line, she doesn't quickly get me back where I am suppose to be, because she does, and quite well!) We came to an agreement that we will both stop our negative thinking regarding that and trust one another that we are fulfilling each other's needs and even beyond that. She also suggested that I try another vitamin (is it a vitamin, or just an herb? I'm not sure.) in addition to the B Complex I've been taking, in the hopes of giving me more energy and improving my moods. So tomorrow after work I am going to buy some St. John's Wort and start taking that as well. We both know I need to see a Dr., but we also both know that I have no insurance and very little money at the moment, so for now, we need to try to find other ways to help myself, until I can get to a good Dr.
Our conversation was a very good one and today I feel more...grounded. And my hope is that she and I will always continue to talk as well as we do about everything, so that no matter what bumps may come our way, we can work through them together. I am so grateful that she is so big on communication and honesty, just as I am. I believe those two things alone can make or break a relationship.
Mistress - thank you so much for all you have done for me and continue to do. I am so glad that our paths finally matched up as they have so that we might enjoy this journey we're on together. You've given me and taught me so much more than you realize and it is because of the love and care I feel from you, that I am able to get through the difficult days, because I know that no matter what, you are still there. I love you and your guts to the moon and back times infinity. You are ~my~ perfect Mistress.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Just a little something
I think I should start thinking up some topics to write about for Wednesday's, because when I just wrote on Monday's it is a little hard sometimes to think of what to say. Not much time passes between the two days and when I work all day on Tuesday, well, that's all that has really happened. Hehe. I'll run it by my Mistress, and see what she thinks.
As far as the schedule and routines go, I think they're going pretty well. I've been extremely tired since starting them, and that's not boding well with me. I've been getting close to or at the least 8 hours of sleep every night, but still I'm just wiped out. Mistress and I are going to talk about it today (so long as time allows) and see if maybe moving some things around in my schedule might help. At least that is what I am hoping. I've felt a little less than my normal self the past few days (actually not yesterday, nor today) and I am thinking it has to do with how tired I am and that I should be pms'ing, but I'm not yet, for some reason.
However, other than the tired thing, everything really has been going well. I've totally amazed myself with drinking so much water and a LOT less tea. Now when I do have a glass of tea, I totally savor it! :) I've also surprised myself with the masturbation thing because before I had a set amount or times that I had to do it, I really didn't do it all that often. Maybe once every two weeks, if that much. And now, she has me doing it three times a week. Plus over the weekend, I even asked if I could do it Saturday night (which is after I did Friday night and would be again Sunday, so three nights in a row. haha, think it's a record for me). She gave me permission and I'm still thankful for that. I think having to play with myself every time I pee is helping with that, as much I really did not want to admit that. (Don't ask me why, because I'm not even sure.)
The bathing/morning routine and bedtime routine are easy to get into, and really the bedtime seems to be shorter than she has it in my schedule, but I know that's just because I've been more aware of where I leave things (plates and such) if I eat somewhere other than the kitchen and as soon as I'm done, I return them to the kitchen, rinse them off and put in the dishwasher. And also, sometimes when I'm chatting online before doing the bedtime routine, if I go to the bathroom I sometimes will end up brushing my teeth and washing my face as well as moisturizing right then. A time saver, maybe? A lot of times I don't even think about it, until I start my bedtime routine and realize that I already did it.
Well, I suppose that is all for now. Hopefully, I'll have more come Monday. Until then - be well, readers.
As far as the schedule and routines go, I think they're going pretty well. I've been extremely tired since starting them, and that's not boding well with me. I've been getting close to or at the least 8 hours of sleep every night, but still I'm just wiped out. Mistress and I are going to talk about it today (so long as time allows) and see if maybe moving some things around in my schedule might help. At least that is what I am hoping. I've felt a little less than my normal self the past few days (actually not yesterday, nor today) and I am thinking it has to do with how tired I am and that I should be pms'ing, but I'm not yet, for some reason.
However, other than the tired thing, everything really has been going well. I've totally amazed myself with drinking so much water and a LOT less tea. Now when I do have a glass of tea, I totally savor it! :) I've also surprised myself with the masturbation thing because before I had a set amount or times that I had to do it, I really didn't do it all that often. Maybe once every two weeks, if that much. And now, she has me doing it three times a week. Plus over the weekend, I even asked if I could do it Saturday night (which is after I did Friday night and would be again Sunday, so three nights in a row. haha, think it's a record for me). She gave me permission and I'm still thankful for that. I think having to play with myself every time I pee is helping with that, as much I really did not want to admit that. (Don't ask me why, because I'm not even sure.)
The bathing/morning routine and bedtime routine are easy to get into, and really the bedtime seems to be shorter than she has it in my schedule, but I know that's just because I've been more aware of where I leave things (plates and such) if I eat somewhere other than the kitchen and as soon as I'm done, I return them to the kitchen, rinse them off and put in the dishwasher. And also, sometimes when I'm chatting online before doing the bedtime routine, if I go to the bathroom I sometimes will end up brushing my teeth and washing my face as well as moisturizing right then. A time saver, maybe? A lot of times I don't even think about it, until I start my bedtime routine and realize that I already did it.
Well, I suppose that is all for now. Hopefully, I'll have more come Monday. Until then - be well, readers.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I'm late!
Yes, I'm two hours late even getting this blog entry started, however it absolutely could not be helped. I had to take care of a family emergency that took place earlier in the day and didn't get home in time to write when I was suppose to, and then I had to take care of something else with my family, because apparently today was a day for everyone to need ~me~. Now, I'm just completely exhausted and am hoping I can get to bed before my bed time tonight. I'm just not sure I can make it until 9:45pm to slip under the covers.
So, how have the past days been going you ask? Well, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the easiest days to follow the schedule, because I'm working most of the day, so Thursday went well and I had a great day at work! :) Then, it was either Friday or Saturday, I honestly can't remember which, but I had a difficult day because I'd had a bad dream the night before and woke up feeling sick to my stomach over it. I think that was Friday, now that I think about it more. And then over the weekend, I was just a little blah. I felt a little...depressed, but I am thinking that I'm pms'ing, or will be soon enough. Oh joy! :) Seriously, if that is what is going on with me, then I'm going to approach it with a different attitude than I normally do. I am determined not to let it get me down how it normally does. I have little people around here depending on me and I refuse to take out my crankiness on them!
Well, so then we get to today and today's schedule didn't go at all how it was suppose to. Which is why I'm just now writing in my blog.
Apart from that today, I'm in fairly good spirits, because I feel like even though I didn't do the job hunting that I was suppose to do, and that I had totally planned out, I believe I was productive in other ways and was able to really help my family out. So I'm happy about that. I'm glad I was available to help them when they needed it.
Also, I won't talk about this all that much here, because I don't want it to take over this blog. However, I lost four and a half pounds over the past week, which I'm totally stoked about, and I've been keeping up with that blog and my other blog. I'm also proud of myself for those things. I know this might sound odd, considering ultimately my Mistress is in control of me, but I feel like I've been in more control of my life recently, because she's given me the tools to succeed. So really, it's because of her control over me and my trust and faith in her, and hers in me, that I could accomplish what I have. I kind of wonder if that makes sense to anyone else? She gave me the tools and has been pushing me, and I've been doing the things I need to do in order to get the jobs done and move forward with my life. It's comforting to me, actually.
Hmm, to really think about it like that makes me see things differently, even now. The past few days I've felt like I haven't really done anything for my Mistress and that bothers me. In a sense, I have because I've kept up with the schedule, routines and rules she set out for me to follow as best I could while going about daily life and things that crop up out of nowhere. Basically, that means that I've done nothing at all to harm the faith and trust she has in me and in our relationship. :) Yay! That makes me very happy. Now to do something personally for her! I'm actually working on making something for her, for her birthday that is this coming Sunday! It just won't be done by then. I didn't get the idea for it in time to have it completed by then, but I will still finish it. I love doing little things for my Mistress.
So, how have the past days been going you ask? Well, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the easiest days to follow the schedule, because I'm working most of the day, so Thursday went well and I had a great day at work! :) Then, it was either Friday or Saturday, I honestly can't remember which, but I had a difficult day because I'd had a bad dream the night before and woke up feeling sick to my stomach over it. I think that was Friday, now that I think about it more. And then over the weekend, I was just a little blah. I felt a little...depressed, but I am thinking that I'm pms'ing, or will be soon enough. Oh joy! :) Seriously, if that is what is going on with me, then I'm going to approach it with a different attitude than I normally do. I am determined not to let it get me down how it normally does. I have little people around here depending on me and I refuse to take out my crankiness on them!
Well, so then we get to today and today's schedule didn't go at all how it was suppose to. Which is why I'm just now writing in my blog.
Apart from that today, I'm in fairly good spirits, because I feel like even though I didn't do the job hunting that I was suppose to do, and that I had totally planned out, I believe I was productive in other ways and was able to really help my family out. So I'm happy about that. I'm glad I was available to help them when they needed it.
Also, I won't talk about this all that much here, because I don't want it to take over this blog. However, I lost four and a half pounds over the past week, which I'm totally stoked about, and I've been keeping up with that blog and my other blog. I'm also proud of myself for those things. I know this might sound odd, considering ultimately my Mistress is in control of me, but I feel like I've been in more control of my life recently, because she's given me the tools to succeed. So really, it's because of her control over me and my trust and faith in her, and hers in me, that I could accomplish what I have. I kind of wonder if that makes sense to anyone else? She gave me the tools and has been pushing me, and I've been doing the things I need to do in order to get the jobs done and move forward with my life. It's comforting to me, actually.
Hmm, to really think about it like that makes me see things differently, even now. The past few days I've felt like I haven't really done anything for my Mistress and that bothers me. In a sense, I have because I've kept up with the schedule, routines and rules she set out for me to follow as best I could while going about daily life and things that crop up out of nowhere. Basically, that means that I've done nothing at all to harm the faith and trust she has in me and in our relationship. :) Yay! That makes me very happy. Now to do something personally for her! I'm actually working on making something for her, for her birthday that is this coming Sunday! It just won't be done by then. I didn't get the idea for it in time to have it completed by then, but I will still finish it. I love doing little things for my Mistress.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Korean Faucets
Oh, I just love when my Mistress and I share something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and we both crack ourselves up for hours on end over it. That's exactly what Korean Faucets are to us. (No, it is NOT a slam against Koreans, or faucets.) You know how you will be in the middle of a conversation and someone says something totally off the wall that has nothing to do with the actual conversation, and then everyone cracks up laughing? That's what the faucet thing is all about. It's hard to explain what I mean without telling the entire conversation, which I don't want to do because I want to keep it just to my Mistress and myself. It wasn't even personal, but now it's kind of like our little joke. And it made us both laugh really hard for a very long time.
Anyhow, not much has happened since Monday for me. Monday I was sick and yesterday was a difficult day for me because I just wasn't feeling 100% yet. My Mistress also had a difficult day yesterday (which I won't go into as it's not my place). We talked about all of the things that happened with her day last night and for once I feel like I may have helped her destress. I know she would say that I've helped her before now and I'm sure she's right. I just feel like so much of the time it is her helping me calm down over things in life and I always wish that I could repay her for all she does for me. That's what this life is all about though, right? A give and take on both sides. Finding a balance in everything that fits the current situation. That's not to say that she's not always the dominant one, because she is and I am always the submissive one. It's just how it is. But even in that, there is a balancing act going on as every day we have to figure out just how dominant or how submissive to be based on whatever is taking place at the time. Or maybe it's not that we're "more or less" dominant or submissive, but how much we're able to show it outwardly. Because really, no matter what she is always dominant and I am always submissive. Those aren't variable, they're constants.
Wow, I think I just confused myself.
Anyways, I am still loving my new schedule. I am struggling somewhat with the bedtime and waking times because even when I've gone to bed before the bedtime, I'm still really tired when I wake up the next morning. But I know that in time I will get used to it and be totally cool with it, it's just a matter of retraining my body. Other than that, everything else with it I am totally cool with. Well, the shaving thing has been, hm, a challenge. I've never really been one to shave my pubic area on a regular basis and when I have, I've just shaved all of it. However, that isn't what Mistress wants me to do. I am not sure how to do what she wants and even though I looked it up online and talked to her about it before I tried it, I messed it up really badly and ended up taking it all off. I asked her if I could just remove all the hair all the time and her reaction still makes me giggle. She laughed when I asked that and then said no! I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it does. Yet again, she pointed out to me that I am still struggling with asking for help. I know I am and I hate that. I just have a hard time getting past needing help in the first place. But I'm trying still to get past that and I will. So, this coming Saturday, I have a feeling I'll get a lesson in...shaving. At my age, I should know how to do it! That's my first thought, but then how can anyone know how to do anything they haven't yet done? They can't, and don't.
Mistress says that it all comes down to trust. Trusting in her. She's right and I know it even though I don't like admitting that, simply because it means that I'm not completely putting my full and total trust in her. That bothers me, but at the same time I do know that it's a process and doesn't just happen overnight. I'll get there. I know it.
Anyhow, not much has happened since Monday for me. Monday I was sick and yesterday was a difficult day for me because I just wasn't feeling 100% yet. My Mistress also had a difficult day yesterday (which I won't go into as it's not my place). We talked about all of the things that happened with her day last night and for once I feel like I may have helped her destress. I know she would say that I've helped her before now and I'm sure she's right. I just feel like so much of the time it is her helping me calm down over things in life and I always wish that I could repay her for all she does for me. That's what this life is all about though, right? A give and take on both sides. Finding a balance in everything that fits the current situation. That's not to say that she's not always the dominant one, because she is and I am always the submissive one. It's just how it is. But even in that, there is a balancing act going on as every day we have to figure out just how dominant or how submissive to be based on whatever is taking place at the time. Or maybe it's not that we're "more or less" dominant or submissive, but how much we're able to show it outwardly. Because really, no matter what she is always dominant and I am always submissive. Those aren't variable, they're constants.
Wow, I think I just confused myself.
Anyways, I am still loving my new schedule. I am struggling somewhat with the bedtime and waking times because even when I've gone to bed before the bedtime, I'm still really tired when I wake up the next morning. But I know that in time I will get used to it and be totally cool with it, it's just a matter of retraining my body. Other than that, everything else with it I am totally cool with. Well, the shaving thing has been, hm, a challenge. I've never really been one to shave my pubic area on a regular basis and when I have, I've just shaved all of it. However, that isn't what Mistress wants me to do. I am not sure how to do what she wants and even though I looked it up online and talked to her about it before I tried it, I messed it up really badly and ended up taking it all off. I asked her if I could just remove all the hair all the time and her reaction still makes me giggle. She laughed when I asked that and then said no! I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it does. Yet again, she pointed out to me that I am still struggling with asking for help. I know I am and I hate that. I just have a hard time getting past needing help in the first place. But I'm trying still to get past that and I will. So, this coming Saturday, I have a feeling I'll get a lesson in...shaving. At my age, I should know how to do it! That's my first thought, but then how can anyone know how to do anything they haven't yet done? They can't, and don't.
Mistress says that it all comes down to trust. Trusting in her. She's right and I know it even though I don't like admitting that, simply because it means that I'm not completely putting my full and total trust in her. That bothers me, but at the same time I do know that it's a process and doesn't just happen overnight. I'll get there. I know it.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Hurricane Ike
Well, the hurricane kind of got me off track with my schedule and even though my Mistress told me ahead of time that it was alright, it still bugs me. Not because I feel like I didn't do what I was suppose to do (since she said it was ok) but because when I'm following the schedule I feel so much more connected to her. That's not to say that I didn't feel connected to her over the weekend, because I did, it was just in a different way. I'm really not exactly sure how to explain it to be honest. We lost power for a few hours Saturday and I spent much of the weekend at my sister's house with her family (in the dark!). For the most part it was a fun weekend, aside from the stress from the storm. I made sure that I knew my submissive mantra by Friday night so that over the weekend (mainly Saturday) when I felt scared or anxious I was able to say it, even if just in my head, and would instantly feel much calmer and at peace. I'm so thankful for that.
So, Saturday and Sunday my Mistress has set aside time for me to learn more about my spirituality, given me prayer time and allowed time to learn how to become a FLY Lady. Saturday, I wasn't able to do that, but yesterday I did and I looked up information on light bringers (indigo's, crystal's, and rainbow's - if you want to know, I'd be happy to share what I've learned or give sites for you to read on your own). I found some really amazing sites out there and I hope to eventually buy some books about it so that I can read it over and over as often as I want. It's really interesting, and I know even more now that my niece is a crystal as are a few of the kids that I work with. So, I'm learning how to work with them better so as not to stifle them. I also am not certain that I was "born" an indigo. However, I believe I am one now. I used to think that you couldn't "become" one, but I read something yesterday that said that you could be, that eventually everyone's thinking will turn that way and it's all about a certain way of thinking and being.
I also was able to look up more things about being a FLY Lady and I hope to buy two of her books soon as well. She teaches you how to organize your house and get it clean and decluttered, and my house is in desparate need of that ! So, I'm looking forward to working on that (Mistress gave time for it in my schedule.)
This morning was the first morning that I did my submissive mantra with the candles I bought, and it makes a HUGE difference! I wasn't sure that it would, but it truly does. It's almost like meditating. Actually, I guess that is what I was doing - meditating on the words.
I did not go job hunting this morning as I was suppose to do. :( I woke up sick and haven't been able to leave the bathroom for much more than ten minutes at a time so far. But, I'm taking meds and hopefully will be totally better by tomorrow so I can work. I have to go to work - no other choice! I hate though that I wasn't able to get out and look for another job. I need one badly. But, I know I am motivated and will be out there Friday and I WILL find one.
Friday night, Mistress spent a lot of time with me, and allowed me to stay up way past my bedtime because I was so worried and scared about the hurricane. I have family down where it hit really badly and their homes were flooded and damaged. I wasn't afraid of that, I was afraid of losing lives, which thankfully everyone I know made it through it well. But, I'm so grateful to my Mistress for staying with me and helping me work through my fears about the hurricane, especially when I know she needed to sleep as well and I do feel guilty for taking that from her. I'm just glad shee was able to sleep later the next day!
Well, I believe that's all for now, folks. I'll be back on Wednesday!
So, Saturday and Sunday my Mistress has set aside time for me to learn more about my spirituality, given me prayer time and allowed time to learn how to become a FLY Lady. Saturday, I wasn't able to do that, but yesterday I did and I looked up information on light bringers (indigo's, crystal's, and rainbow's - if you want to know, I'd be happy to share what I've learned or give sites for you to read on your own). I found some really amazing sites out there and I hope to eventually buy some books about it so that I can read it over and over as often as I want. It's really interesting, and I know even more now that my niece is a crystal as are a few of the kids that I work with. So, I'm learning how to work with them better so as not to stifle them. I also am not certain that I was "born" an indigo. However, I believe I am one now. I used to think that you couldn't "become" one, but I read something yesterday that said that you could be, that eventually everyone's thinking will turn that way and it's all about a certain way of thinking and being.
I also was able to look up more things about being a FLY Lady and I hope to buy two of her books soon as well. She teaches you how to organize your house and get it clean and decluttered, and my house is in desparate need of that ! So, I'm looking forward to working on that (Mistress gave time for it in my schedule.)
This morning was the first morning that I did my submissive mantra with the candles I bought, and it makes a HUGE difference! I wasn't sure that it would, but it truly does. It's almost like meditating. Actually, I guess that is what I was doing - meditating on the words.
I did not go job hunting this morning as I was suppose to do. :( I woke up sick and haven't been able to leave the bathroom for much more than ten minutes at a time so far. But, I'm taking meds and hopefully will be totally better by tomorrow so I can work. I have to go to work - no other choice! I hate though that I wasn't able to get out and look for another job. I need one badly. But, I know I am motivated and will be out there Friday and I WILL find one.
Friday night, Mistress spent a lot of time with me, and allowed me to stay up way past my bedtime because I was so worried and scared about the hurricane. I have family down where it hit really badly and their homes were flooded and damaged. I wasn't afraid of that, I was afraid of losing lives, which thankfully everyone I know made it through it well. But, I'm so grateful to my Mistress for staying with me and helping me work through my fears about the hurricane, especially when I know she needed to sleep as well and I do feel guilty for taking that from her. I'm just glad shee was able to sleep later the next day!
Well, I believe that's all for now, folks. I'll be back on Wednesday!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Progress
Well, when my Mistress first gave me my schedule and routines, my first thought was "there's not enough time in the day!" even though she had given exact times for everything. I was skeptical, right at first, meaning the very first time I read through it. Then I read it again and realized that the things she had on the schedule weren't difficult things to accomplish, nor were most of them all that time consuming. In other words, it can be done, quite easily, for the most part, and in the time she specified.
So, yesterday was my first day to live by the schedule she mapped out for me, and I actually did everything she wished! Today, the same thing. However, this morning, I realized that I had switched the first two things both days and didn't even know it until I looked at the schedule at about 10am. Since I was a little girl, we always woke up and immediately took a bath, then had breakfast. But Mistress wishes for me to have breakfast, and then a bath. Not a huge thing, right? Right. I just have reprogram myself to do it that way. So tomorrow, I WILL! Now that I realized today that I was switching them, I'm much more aware of it and will be sure to do it right tomorrow morning.
I was also a little worried about the water drinking, however I've had absolutely no problem with it so far. The thing I had trouble with today was actually taking my vitamin. I've never been good at swallowing pills, especially ones that I can taste as soon as they go in my mouth, which is why I always put liquid in my mouth, then the pill and then quickly drink more to force it down. But for some reason this morning the pill's taste was overly strong (they stink too!) and after gagging a few times, I was finally able to get it down. But by that point I had the taste all over my mouth and had to keep drinking to get it to go away. Geez, pill taking should not be so hard! hehe.
Oh yes, there is another thing that I struggled with today, inwardly at least. And that was waking up at 6am. I actually went to sleep before Mistress had scheduled for me too last night (skipped chatting online - which isn't a must.) because I pretty tired and I woke up two minutes before my alarm was to go off this morning. When I rolled over and glanced at the clock, I groaned and whimpered. I did not want to get up. I wanted to keep sleeping. After all, I didn't have anything "important" to do today, right? *scoffs at my own thoughts* I thought, very briefly, that I would just turn my alarm off and keep sleeping. Mistress would never know the difference, if I didn't tell her, right? Most likely. However, I would know and I know it would eat away at me until I fessed up and the punishment from that would be much worse than the fun I would have had sleeping in.
So, I turned my alarm off, before it even went off (a minute 'till - see all that took place in one minute!) and got out of bed. I was dragging for about two hours, but then got into the swing of things and have been going strong ever since.
I couldn't have slept in. It all comes down to respect, and trust. My Mistress is trusting me to follow the schedule and routines and to let her know when I don't. If I slept in and didn't tell her, that would be like telling her first off that I don't care about her rules, nor about our relationship, or anything she has to say, period. Essentially, I would have been telling her that I don't care about ~her~, and that just simply is NOT the case. I love my Mistress and wish to always make her proud of me, and happy in the things that I do. Being submissive doesn't mean that you always get your way, or that you always do things that you want or like. Did I like getting up early? Not at all. But I did it, and am now very happy that I did, because I didn't do anything to put a wedge of distrust in our relationship. I did it because I respect and love my Mistress and I know that she has only my best interest at heart. I do worry that when she reads this (or when I tell her - whichever comes first) that she might be upset that I even had those thoughts. Who could blame her though, truthfully?
Well, so, once I was up and about the house, I cleaned up my room. I still have more to do, sometime soon, but at least I can see my floor! And I got rid of a LOT of stuff. I still have tons more to go through and decide what I want to keep and what I wish to toss, just like every other room of the house too. I've also kept up on the laundry today and have just one more load, I think. Maybe two. (There were LOTS of towels, sheesh.) All the dishes are ready to be put in the dishwasher, as soon as I empty it when I'm finished posting this and start on dinner.
All in all, I'm proud of myself for sticking with it.
I also have a submissive mantra to learn. Mistress says I have three weeks (from Monday - so Sept. 29th) to learn it all and so far I know about half of it already. I love learning it. I love saying it during my morning routine as well. It makes me focus on myself and my submission before my day gets started really well. And I think it has been helping the day run more smoothly. I'm not sure yet if I will post my mantra on here or not. I need to talk to my Mistress about it and see what she thinks about doing that. I kind of feel like it's a very personal thing and am not sure that I am totally comfortable with sharing that, just yet at least. So, we'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I won't blog here again until next Monday, as I will be blogging here every Monday and Wednesday unless Mistress tells me otherwise.
Until then, be well bloggers!
So, yesterday was my first day to live by the schedule she mapped out for me, and I actually did everything she wished! Today, the same thing. However, this morning, I realized that I had switched the first two things both days and didn't even know it until I looked at the schedule at about 10am. Since I was a little girl, we always woke up and immediately took a bath, then had breakfast. But Mistress wishes for me to have breakfast, and then a bath. Not a huge thing, right? Right. I just have reprogram myself to do it that way. So tomorrow, I WILL! Now that I realized today that I was switching them, I'm much more aware of it and will be sure to do it right tomorrow morning.
I was also a little worried about the water drinking, however I've had absolutely no problem with it so far. The thing I had trouble with today was actually taking my vitamin. I've never been good at swallowing pills, especially ones that I can taste as soon as they go in my mouth, which is why I always put liquid in my mouth, then the pill and then quickly drink more to force it down. But for some reason this morning the pill's taste was overly strong (they stink too!) and after gagging a few times, I was finally able to get it down. But by that point I had the taste all over my mouth and had to keep drinking to get it to go away. Geez, pill taking should not be so hard! hehe.
Oh yes, there is another thing that I struggled with today, inwardly at least. And that was waking up at 6am. I actually went to sleep before Mistress had scheduled for me too last night (skipped chatting online - which isn't a must.) because I pretty tired and I woke up two minutes before my alarm was to go off this morning. When I rolled over and glanced at the clock, I groaned and whimpered. I did not want to get up. I wanted to keep sleeping. After all, I didn't have anything "important" to do today, right? *scoffs at my own thoughts* I thought, very briefly, that I would just turn my alarm off and keep sleeping. Mistress would never know the difference, if I didn't tell her, right? Most likely. However, I would know and I know it would eat away at me until I fessed up and the punishment from that would be much worse than the fun I would have had sleeping in.
So, I turned my alarm off, before it even went off (a minute 'till - see all that took place in one minute!) and got out of bed. I was dragging for about two hours, but then got into the swing of things and have been going strong ever since.
I couldn't have slept in. It all comes down to respect, and trust. My Mistress is trusting me to follow the schedule and routines and to let her know when I don't. If I slept in and didn't tell her, that would be like telling her first off that I don't care about her rules, nor about our relationship, or anything she has to say, period. Essentially, I would have been telling her that I don't care about ~her~, and that just simply is NOT the case. I love my Mistress and wish to always make her proud of me, and happy in the things that I do. Being submissive doesn't mean that you always get your way, or that you always do things that you want or like. Did I like getting up early? Not at all. But I did it, and am now very happy that I did, because I didn't do anything to put a wedge of distrust in our relationship. I did it because I respect and love my Mistress and I know that she has only my best interest at heart. I do worry that when she reads this (or when I tell her - whichever comes first) that she might be upset that I even had those thoughts. Who could blame her though, truthfully?
Well, so, once I was up and about the house, I cleaned up my room. I still have more to do, sometime soon, but at least I can see my floor! And I got rid of a LOT of stuff. I still have tons more to go through and decide what I want to keep and what I wish to toss, just like every other room of the house too. I've also kept up on the laundry today and have just one more load, I think. Maybe two. (There were LOTS of towels, sheesh.) All the dishes are ready to be put in the dishwasher, as soon as I empty it when I'm finished posting this and start on dinner.
All in all, I'm proud of myself for sticking with it.
I also have a submissive mantra to learn. Mistress says I have three weeks (from Monday - so Sept. 29th) to learn it all and so far I know about half of it already. I love learning it. I love saying it during my morning routine as well. It makes me focus on myself and my submission before my day gets started really well. And I think it has been helping the day run more smoothly. I'm not sure yet if I will post my mantra on here or not. I need to talk to my Mistress about it and see what she thinks about doing that. I kind of feel like it's a very personal thing and am not sure that I am totally comfortable with sharing that, just yet at least. So, we'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I won't blog here again until next Monday, as I will be blogging here every Monday and Wednesday unless Mistress tells me otherwise.
Until then, be well bloggers!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Schedule and Routines
It is subject to change at any time, mainly when I get another job, but also anytime my Mistress wishes to change it, so when that happens I'll post updates on the changes.
Monday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8am - job search, take lunch
Noon - break for lunch - ½ hour
2-2:30pm - return home, laundry, pick up house, dust on the go, dishes at sink
3:30pm - blog (submission)
4:15pm - bathroom and living room are cleaned, vacuumed
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed
Tuesday
5:30am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast (every other week allowed fast food breakfast)
6am - bath routine
7am - take trash out, go to work
9am - light snack
Noon - lunch - homemade
3:30-5pm - errands
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink (except every other week when doing other job, can eat out those times. If doing other job, may read in car for ½ hour and work out muscle groups)
6pm - visit my niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour (every week not doing other job)
8pm - (or when home from other job) take meds and chat online. (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:45pm - go to bed.
Wednesday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8:15am - masturbate for at least ½ hour, an hour if wrist allows (orgasm as much as time allows - NO sounds allowed!)
9:15am-noon - work online, check email and anything else needed online
Noon - eat lunch
1pm - start laundry, dust your room and pick up around the house
3-3:30pm - blog in all blogs, read other blogs if done early. No chatting!
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed
Thursday
5:45am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
6am - bath routine
7am - go to work
9am - light snack
Noon - lunch - homemade
3:30-5pm - errands (don’t have errands, you may chat online, read, etc.)
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:45pm - go to bed
Friday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8am - job hunt, take lunch
Noon - ½ break for lunch
2-2:30pm - return home, start laundry
3pm - blog (forgiveness)
4pm - organize, clean out, toss stuff, set aside for garage sale or charity
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - masturbate, two orgasms before sleeping! (NO sounds allowed!) (Sleep with tv or radio on)
Saturday
8am - wake up, weigh/measure yourself and record for blog, take vitamins, eat breakfast
9am - bath routine (shave pubic hair today), pamper yourself with bubble bath or bath fizzies
10am - deep cleaning routine
Noon - ½ break for lunch, check laundry and switch
1pm - finish deep cleaning routine
2pm - learn something new with your spirituality
3pm - RELAX! Do anything you want (chat, read, do a hobby, phone calls)
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - relax/chat online (can have a light snack)
9pm - take meds
10:45pm - bedtime routine
11-11:15pm - go to bed (sleep with tv or radio on)
Sunday
8am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast, bath routine
9am - Study to become a fly lady
Noon - half hour for lunch. Check laundry. Take pics of house to show Mistress my progress.
1pm - spiritual time - learn something new for first hour, 2nd hour can be “prayer” time.
3pm - blog (health one)
4pm - spend time with dad, if he’s home. If not, spend it with niece, taking her for a walk. Clean up the yard and weather proof the house - spend as much time outside as possible
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - start weekly menu. Prepare anything you can now.
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:15pm- masturbate - 2 orgasms (NO sounds allowed!)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed.
Bath routine
Bathe, wash hair, exfoliate, shave legs Mon, Wed, Fri, brush/floss teeth, put on make up, dry hair, style hair, get dressed, do mantra in your room, shave pubic area on Saturdays.
Bedtime routine
Set out food for next day, set out clothing for next day (iron if needed), collect all trash and dishes and wash quickly, if trash is full set the bag by the door to take out in the morning, check laundry if any, wash face, brush/floss teeth, moisturize, lotion yourself up, brush hair out and pull into ponytail, check vaporizers, put on pj’s, candles/incense are out, turn down heat or a/c, lock doors, turn all lights off (computer too!), go to sleep!
Other Rules
Wear make up daily! (powder, eye shadow, liner, mascara, blush, lip gloss, or light lipstick)
Wear some kind of shoes daily, even in the house
Wear a bra daily at least until 5pm
Every time you pee, you must play with yourself for 30 seconds
Drink 24 oz. water before you have 1 glass of tea. Try to drink 72 oz water daily (four and a half bottles of water)
Exercise daily - at least 15 mins of heart pumping, then can do yoga or something else with it
Between 8am and 3pm, Mistress is sculpting. Try not to contact her during this time unless it’s an emergency.
Monday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8am - job search, take lunch
Noon - break for lunch - ½ hour
2-2:30pm - return home, laundry, pick up house, dust on the go, dishes at sink
3:30pm - blog (submission)
4:15pm - bathroom and living room are cleaned, vacuumed
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed
Tuesday
5:30am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast (every other week allowed fast food breakfast)
6am - bath routine
7am - take trash out, go to work
9am - light snack
Noon - lunch - homemade
3:30-5pm - errands
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink (except every other week when doing other job, can eat out those times. If doing other job, may read in car for ½ hour and work out muscle groups)
6pm - visit my niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour (every week not doing other job)
8pm - (or when home from other job) take meds and chat online. (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:45pm - go to bed.
Wednesday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8:15am - masturbate for at least ½ hour, an hour if wrist allows (orgasm as much as time allows - NO sounds allowed!)
9:15am-noon - work online, check email and anything else needed online
Noon - eat lunch
1pm - start laundry, dust your room and pick up around the house
3-3:30pm - blog in all blogs, read other blogs if done early. No chatting!
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed
Thursday
5:45am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
6am - bath routine
7am - go to work
9am - light snack
Noon - lunch - homemade
3:30-5pm - errands (don’t have errands, you may chat online, read, etc.)
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:45pm - go to bed
Friday
6am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast
7am - bath routine (shave legs)
8am - job hunt, take lunch
Noon - ½ break for lunch
2-2:30pm - return home, start laundry
3pm - blog (forgiveness)
4pm - organize, clean out, toss stuff, set aside for garage sale or charity
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - read for ½ hour while doing warm up, then exercise for 2nd ½ hour
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - masturbate, two orgasms before sleeping! (NO sounds allowed!) (Sleep with tv or radio on)
Saturday
8am - wake up, weigh/measure yourself and record for blog, take vitamins, eat breakfast
9am - bath routine (shave pubic hair today), pamper yourself with bubble bath or bath fizzies
10am - deep cleaning routine
Noon - ½ break for lunch, check laundry and switch
1pm - finish deep cleaning routine
2pm - learn something new with your spirituality
3pm - RELAX! Do anything you want (chat, read, do a hobby, phone calls)
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - relax/chat online (can have a light snack)
9pm - take meds
10:45pm - bedtime routine
11-11:15pm - go to bed (sleep with tv or radio on)
Sunday
8am - wake up, take vitamins, eat breakfast, bath routine
9am - Study to become a fly lady
Noon - half hour for lunch. Check laundry. Take pics of house to show Mistress my progress.
1pm - spiritual time - learn something new for first hour, 2nd hour can be “prayer” time.
3pm - blog (health one)
4pm - spend time with dad, if he’s home. If not, spend it with niece, taking her for a walk. Clean up the yard and weather proof the house - spend as much time outside as possible
5pm - cook dinner, eat, dishes at sink
6pm - visit niece
7pm - start weekly menu. Prepare anything you can now.
8pm - take meds, chat online (can have a light snack)
9:15pm- masturbate - 2 orgasms (NO sounds allowed!)
9:45pm - bedtime routine
10-10:15pm - go to bed.
Bath routine
Bathe, wash hair, exfoliate, shave legs Mon, Wed, Fri, brush/floss teeth, put on make up, dry hair, style hair, get dressed, do mantra in your room, shave pubic area on Saturdays.
Bedtime routine
Set out food for next day, set out clothing for next day (iron if needed), collect all trash and dishes and wash quickly, if trash is full set the bag by the door to take out in the morning, check laundry if any, wash face, brush/floss teeth, moisturize, lotion yourself up, brush hair out and pull into ponytail, check vaporizers, put on pj’s, candles/incense are out, turn down heat or a/c, lock doors, turn all lights off (computer too!), go to sleep!
Other Rules
Wear make up daily! (powder, eye shadow, liner, mascara, blush, lip gloss, or light lipstick)
Wear some kind of shoes daily, even in the house
Wear a bra daily at least until 5pm
Every time you pee, you must play with yourself for 30 seconds
Drink 24 oz. water before you have 1 glass of tea. Try to drink 72 oz water daily (four and a half bottles of water)
Exercise daily - at least 15 mins of heart pumping, then can do yoga or something else with it
Between 8am and 3pm, Mistress is sculpting. Try not to contact her during this time unless it’s an emergency.
Observations and questions
Well, let's see. I've started my new job and so far it's been wonderful. A few bumps to get over here and there, but nothing that I can't handle. I've been so tired since starting though. Even though I am only working two days a week, I'm wiped out the other days as well and find myself falling asleep much earlier than what I'm used to.
Normally, that wouldn't be a huge issue, and in a way it's not. But it makes time that I get with my Mistress much less than it was before. So while I miss the time that we were able to spend before, I have realized that I'm much more grateful for the time that we do have. I think I took it for granted quite a bit before I started working. Not exactly a very submissive thing, right? I must say that my Mistress has been absolutely wonderful through it all and I'm so happy to be with her. She's listened to my stories about work and been a constant encouragement to me through everything.
In fact, we were talking two nights ago about some past relationships that I've been in and how things went in them. (She knows most of the people I've been with before, all but one of them, because as I've said before we were friends for years before we ended up switching gears and embarking on this relationship together.) One of the things that I brought up to her was how with others in my past, I would just give in and do whatever they wanted and in doing that I would lose myself and what I believe in. She watched all this happen to me and was often the one that helped me get back to who I am. And now I'm with her and I believe that I will not ever lose myself with her as I have before. She even pointed out to me that I've stood up to her with a few things (regarding my hard limits) already. This makes me feel good, because now I know that I can stand up for myself and still be submissive.
I'm just curious if others out there believe that a submissive should change who they are and what they believe in or don't believe in just to please their owners? Obviously my opinion is that it should not happen. We all have things that we like and don't like. And we all have morals and every persons morals are somewhat different from the next persons. I don't think it's right to give up those things just to make someone else happy. I think we have to always be "with it" enough to realize when we are beginning to compromise our own morals and take a step back, talk to our owner's about it and determine together how to keep ourselves in all of this. I think this also goes into becoming dependent upon our owner's which my Mistress knows is my biggest fear in these kinds of relationships. And it's also something that she refuses to allow to happen within our relationship. Another thing I'm thankful to her for.
Anyhow, if anyone has any opinions on this, I'd love to hear it.
Normally, that wouldn't be a huge issue, and in a way it's not. But it makes time that I get with my Mistress much less than it was before. So while I miss the time that we were able to spend before, I have realized that I'm much more grateful for the time that we do have. I think I took it for granted quite a bit before I started working. Not exactly a very submissive thing, right? I must say that my Mistress has been absolutely wonderful through it all and I'm so happy to be with her. She's listened to my stories about work and been a constant encouragement to me through everything.
In fact, we were talking two nights ago about some past relationships that I've been in and how things went in them. (She knows most of the people I've been with before, all but one of them, because as I've said before we were friends for years before we ended up switching gears and embarking on this relationship together.) One of the things that I brought up to her was how with others in my past, I would just give in and do whatever they wanted and in doing that I would lose myself and what I believe in. She watched all this happen to me and was often the one that helped me get back to who I am. And now I'm with her and I believe that I will not ever lose myself with her as I have before. She even pointed out to me that I've stood up to her with a few things (regarding my hard limits) already. This makes me feel good, because now I know that I can stand up for myself and still be submissive.
I'm just curious if others out there believe that a submissive should change who they are and what they believe in or don't believe in just to please their owners? Obviously my opinion is that it should not happen. We all have things that we like and don't like. And we all have morals and every persons morals are somewhat different from the next persons. I don't think it's right to give up those things just to make someone else happy. I think we have to always be "with it" enough to realize when we are beginning to compromise our own morals and take a step back, talk to our owner's about it and determine together how to keep ourselves in all of this. I think this also goes into becoming dependent upon our owner's which my Mistress knows is my biggest fear in these kinds of relationships. And it's also something that she refuses to allow to happen within our relationship. Another thing I'm thankful to her for.
Anyhow, if anyone has any opinions on this, I'd love to hear it.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Ch-ch-ch-changes
So many things are changing right now. Some of the changes in my life aren't part of my relationship with my Mistress and Sir, but they do affect it. To begin with, I got a part time job, two days a week which I'm totally excited about. I'm still looking for another job because I need something more. But even just having the part time one has lifted my spirits immensely.
I've also been doing well with not saying negative things about myself. Or at least, I believe that I have. I've been happier lately too and as I said in my last post, I believe it's because when you say positive things you end up believing it and feeling it. It's a nice change.
The biggest change of all, though, is very much with my relationship with Mistress. We've been friends for years and just developed our Mistress/submissive relationship naturally. The thing is though, we kept our friendship status as well. And recently, we had a conversation that was difficult for both of us because we were trying to figure out where we stood. I was bouncing between being her friend and being her submissive and she was struggling to figure out if she needed to speak to me as my friend, or my Mistress. When we talked about it later, it was decided by my Mistress that we don't need the friendship nearly as much as we need the other aspect of our relationship. Therefor, my Mistress is no longer my friend. She is strictly my owner, my Mistress. I'm not entirely sure what all will change because of this, but I do know it's needed. We couldn't continue to struggle between friends and something more and much deeper. It was only holding us back.
In a way, it's a bit scary to me. I trust my Mistress with my entire being and always will, so I know it will all work out. It's just that it's new and a little bit frightening. It's suppose to be though, right? I think if there wasn't some level of fear, I wouldn't have that intense desire to work even harder to get things accomplished. I wouldn't put 110% into my service, which is what I always try to do. I think it's a healthy fear.
The thing that hasn't changed and never will, is that my Mistress loves me and wishes for me to the very best that I can be in all ways, not just within my submission, but in my professional life and life outside of our relationship. And my love for her also hasn't and won't change. Those are the constants in our relationship, no matter what changes with us, we both know that the love we share will always be present. And I believe that my love for her has grown quite a bit more even just within the last week. I think part of that is because of the changes and that my respect for her has increased. I also think it's in part because she doesn't let me slide on the things she wishes for me to do. If I don't do them, there are consequences. This is a new concept for me, because in every other relationship I've been in before this one, I was never held accountable like I am with my Mistress. If I didn't do something I was told to do before, it was just overlooked. My Mistress doesn't overlook those things and I am so thankful to her for that. It proves to me that she doesn't just tell me to do things to keep me busy, but that there are very real reasons for the things she wishes for me to do. It also proves to me just how much she cares about me and my well-being.
That's all the changes I can think of right now, but I know there will be more coming. I've already been warned about that. :) So as soon as I find out what they are, I'm sure I'll write about those as well.
I've also been doing well with not saying negative things about myself. Or at least, I believe that I have. I've been happier lately too and as I said in my last post, I believe it's because when you say positive things you end up believing it and feeling it. It's a nice change.
The biggest change of all, though, is very much with my relationship with Mistress. We've been friends for years and just developed our Mistress/submissive relationship naturally. The thing is though, we kept our friendship status as well. And recently, we had a conversation that was difficult for both of us because we were trying to figure out where we stood. I was bouncing between being her friend and being her submissive and she was struggling to figure out if she needed to speak to me as my friend, or my Mistress. When we talked about it later, it was decided by my Mistress that we don't need the friendship nearly as much as we need the other aspect of our relationship. Therefor, my Mistress is no longer my friend. She is strictly my owner, my Mistress. I'm not entirely sure what all will change because of this, but I do know it's needed. We couldn't continue to struggle between friends and something more and much deeper. It was only holding us back.
In a way, it's a bit scary to me. I trust my Mistress with my entire being and always will, so I know it will all work out. It's just that it's new and a little bit frightening. It's suppose to be though, right? I think if there wasn't some level of fear, I wouldn't have that intense desire to work even harder to get things accomplished. I wouldn't put 110% into my service, which is what I always try to do. I think it's a healthy fear.
The thing that hasn't changed and never will, is that my Mistress loves me and wishes for me to the very best that I can be in all ways, not just within my submission, but in my professional life and life outside of our relationship. And my love for her also hasn't and won't change. Those are the constants in our relationship, no matter what changes with us, we both know that the love we share will always be present. And I believe that my love for her has grown quite a bit more even just within the last week. I think part of that is because of the changes and that my respect for her has increased. I also think it's in part because she doesn't let me slide on the things she wishes for me to do. If I don't do them, there are consequences. This is a new concept for me, because in every other relationship I've been in before this one, I was never held accountable like I am with my Mistress. If I didn't do something I was told to do before, it was just overlooked. My Mistress doesn't overlook those things and I am so thankful to her for that. It proves to me that she doesn't just tell me to do things to keep me busy, but that there are very real reasons for the things she wishes for me to do. It also proves to me just how much she cares about me and my well-being.
That's all the changes I can think of right now, but I know there will be more coming. I've already been warned about that. :) So as soon as I find out what they are, I'm sure I'll write about those as well.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thinking things through
Well, I've not done as well with blogging as I had originally hoped, but I am not giving up. I will get into a routine with it soon and then I'll feel even better about it. The last week has just been really crazy for me, so I haven't had all that much time to blog anyhow.
But, here I am now.
My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.
They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)
I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"
Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)
I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.
Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.
I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?
I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.
I need help with it. I admit it, finally.
I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.
~Be well, readers.
But, here I am now.
My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.
They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)
I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"
Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)
I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.
Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.
I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?
I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.
I need help with it. I admit it, finally.
I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.
~Be well, readers.
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