So many things are changing right now. Some of the changes in my life aren't part of my relationship with my Mistress and Sir, but they do affect it. To begin with, I got a part time job, two days a week which I'm totally excited about. I'm still looking for another job because I need something more. But even just having the part time one has lifted my spirits immensely.
I've also been doing well with not saying negative things about myself. Or at least, I believe that I have. I've been happier lately too and as I said in my last post, I believe it's because when you say positive things you end up believing it and feeling it. It's a nice change.
The biggest change of all, though, is very much with my relationship with Mistress. We've been friends for years and just developed our Mistress/submissive relationship naturally. The thing is though, we kept our friendship status as well. And recently, we had a conversation that was difficult for both of us because we were trying to figure out where we stood. I was bouncing between being her friend and being her submissive and she was struggling to figure out if she needed to speak to me as my friend, or my Mistress. When we talked about it later, it was decided by my Mistress that we don't need the friendship nearly as much as we need the other aspect of our relationship. Therefor, my Mistress is no longer my friend. She is strictly my owner, my Mistress. I'm not entirely sure what all will change because of this, but I do know it's needed. We couldn't continue to struggle between friends and something more and much deeper. It was only holding us back.
In a way, it's a bit scary to me. I trust my Mistress with my entire being and always will, so I know it will all work out. It's just that it's new and a little bit frightening. It's suppose to be though, right? I think if there wasn't some level of fear, I wouldn't have that intense desire to work even harder to get things accomplished. I wouldn't put 110% into my service, which is what I always try to do. I think it's a healthy fear.
The thing that hasn't changed and never will, is that my Mistress loves me and wishes for me to the very best that I can be in all ways, not just within my submission, but in my professional life and life outside of our relationship. And my love for her also hasn't and won't change. Those are the constants in our relationship, no matter what changes with us, we both know that the love we share will always be present. And I believe that my love for her has grown quite a bit more even just within the last week. I think part of that is because of the changes and that my respect for her has increased. I also think it's in part because she doesn't let me slide on the things she wishes for me to do. If I don't do them, there are consequences. This is a new concept for me, because in every other relationship I've been in before this one, I was never held accountable like I am with my Mistress. If I didn't do something I was told to do before, it was just overlooked. My Mistress doesn't overlook those things and I am so thankful to her for that. It proves to me that she doesn't just tell me to do things to keep me busy, but that there are very real reasons for the things she wishes for me to do. It also proves to me just how much she cares about me and my well-being.
That's all the changes I can think of right now, but I know there will be more coming. I've already been warned about that. :) So as soon as I find out what they are, I'm sure I'll write about those as well.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thinking things through
Well, I've not done as well with blogging as I had originally hoped, but I am not giving up. I will get into a routine with it soon and then I'll feel even better about it. The last week has just been really crazy for me, so I haven't had all that much time to blog anyhow.
But, here I am now.
My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.
They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)
I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"
Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)
I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.
Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.
I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?
I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.
I need help with it. I admit it, finally.
I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.
~Be well, readers.
But, here I am now.
My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.
They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)
I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"
Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)
I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.
Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.
I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?
I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.
I need help with it. I admit it, finally.
I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.
~Be well, readers.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Introduction
Well, here goes my first post. I'm devirginizing my blog. Woohoo! Alright, so that's a bit corny, but I never said I was good at starting these types of things.
Anyhow, this blog will be used to document my journey of submission with my Mistress. It's a little less conventional than many relationships out there, so if you don't like how we do things you have a right to your opinion, but please keep it to yourself unless you can express yourself respectfully, and I'll do the same for you in return. ~smiles~
Now, on to this relationship. My Mistress and I have known one another for 7 or so years now, however we've never met face to face. When we met, we were just friends and though we lost touch with one another various times through the years, we always somehow got in touch with each other again. She's been there for me through many relationships and I like to think that I've helped her along the way as well, although I wouldn't assume anything of the sort.
Somewhat recently, I had another Mistress online. My Mistress (ex-Mistress) and her were friends and she had permission to do anything and everything she wanted with me. Well, my relationship with the other Mistress ended, and we (Mistress and I) ended up spending even more time together. It just sort of happened, naturally. It's always been like that with us, natural.
We know one another quite well and talk on the phone as often as we can. She has a man in her life and he knows about me and is all for it. We would like for me to eventually move to where they are and live with them. I would be her r/t submissive and eventually his if things work out how we all would like for them to do so.
Because of that, when I write here I will refer to her as Mistress, and him as Sir. He's not my Master, so I don't feel right in calling him that. If and when the time comes for that, I will adjust my writing to fit that. Also, I will not be giving out any of our r/t names, nor information that would put any of us at risk, so please don't bother to even ask.
I'll write here not only about my feelings through this journey, but also about different things that my Mistress and Sir have me do in r/t, even before I am there with them. One or both of them might write posts here as well.
So, I hope to get to know some of you other bloggers out there.
Until next time, be well!
~Her's
Anyhow, this blog will be used to document my journey of submission with my Mistress. It's a little less conventional than many relationships out there, so if you don't like how we do things you have a right to your opinion, but please keep it to yourself unless you can express yourself respectfully, and I'll do the same for you in return. ~smiles~
Now, on to this relationship. My Mistress and I have known one another for 7 or so years now, however we've never met face to face. When we met, we were just friends and though we lost touch with one another various times through the years, we always somehow got in touch with each other again. She's been there for me through many relationships and I like to think that I've helped her along the way as well, although I wouldn't assume anything of the sort.
Somewhat recently, I had another Mistress online. My Mistress (ex-Mistress) and her were friends and she had permission to do anything and everything she wanted with me. Well, my relationship with the other Mistress ended, and we (Mistress and I) ended up spending even more time together. It just sort of happened, naturally. It's always been like that with us, natural.
We know one another quite well and talk on the phone as often as we can. She has a man in her life and he knows about me and is all for it. We would like for me to eventually move to where they are and live with them. I would be her r/t submissive and eventually his if things work out how we all would like for them to do so.
Because of that, when I write here I will refer to her as Mistress, and him as Sir. He's not my Master, so I don't feel right in calling him that. If and when the time comes for that, I will adjust my writing to fit that. Also, I will not be giving out any of our r/t names, nor information that would put any of us at risk, so please don't bother to even ask.
I'll write here not only about my feelings through this journey, but also about different things that my Mistress and Sir have me do in r/t, even before I am there with them. One or both of them might write posts here as well.
So, I hope to get to know some of you other bloggers out there.
Until next time, be well!
~Her's
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