Honesty is the best policy

Another Thursday Question

Do you have a rule about lying? Explain how honesty and transparency are alike or different in your relationship? What is the most difficult thing you have had to be honest about?

Yes, Mistress and I have a rule about lying. It's called "NO lying!" Not on either of our parts. We both feel very strongly about this and believe that lying causing rifts in relationships that shouldn't be there, or wouldn't be there had the people involved been honest and upfront the entire time. Without good communication in our relationship, we would be doomed, I'm sure. But we both know just how important it is and we strive daily to keep our lines of communication open. I believe that if I can't be honest with Mistress, then there is no point in even trying to submit to her. It would be a lie, and there would be no trust there. It would be fake. And not at all what I wish for our relationship to be.

Honesty and transparency are basically the same thing within our relationship. To be transparent means to not hide anything, to be clear and open to others. And if you're being honest, then you're being transparent. I don't hide anything from Mistress, nothing at all. If I'm upset over something, anything, even if it has nothing to do with us, she knows about it. Same with her. If we're happy about something, the other knows about it. A lot of our relationship is based on talking and filling one another in on what is going on inside ourselves. It's how we've managed to get as close as we are and remain that way for so long. It started out like that when we were just friends and only deepened the further we went into our relationship.

Now, as far as what has been the most difficult thing for me to be honest about. Wow. I'd have to say that it's extremely difficult for me to ask for help, no matter what the problem is that I am struggling with, I hate to ask for help, because I've been trained (because of my past) to believe that asking for help means that I'm weak and that I've failed. Mistress has worked had to try and erase that thinking from my mind and while I'd love to say that it's entirely gone, I don't feel that it would be honest to say that, when I'm really unsure about that. I do know that I've grown in this area, and have been able to swallow back my feelings about it a few times to ask for her help, or the help of another. But I can't say with certainty that I would be able to do that all the time, no matter what. I've grown though, and to me, that is what truly matters.

I just feel as though, if I weren't honest with Mistress at all times then I would basically be slapping her in the face and telling her that I don't trust her, nor respect her. Just the thought of that makes me cringe! I can't imagine every treating Mistress like that, so why would I do it by being dishonest?

Missed Blogging

So, I missed blogging all last week because I was incredibly busy with things dealing with my job and some family things that I needed to get taken care of. It actually feels odd not to have blogged last week, and I have this feeling of "being behind". It's really kind of strange.

And, if we're being totally honest. I don't feel like blogging right now - at least physically I don't. I've been sick since last Thursday and still am not feeling up to par. I really just feel like crawling back under the sheets, but I can't do that. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, so I'm trying to get myself up a little more today so hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Plus, I don't like missing my blog time. When I don't blog, I feel like I'm throwing my entire week out of whack, and I guess in a way I am.

Anyhow, that is not the purpose of this blog and I know it. Technically though, there isn't all that much to say about my submission right now. Mistress has been busy with her family as well as being ill, but we've still managed to have some time together, which is nice. I just worry about her and wish she would rest. (And I do know She feels the same about me.)

Oh I know something that I've been thinking about lately. How since I came back from my vacation from submission, everything has been much calmer. Not just within my relationship with Mistress, but pretty much in all aspects of my life. There are stresses, sure, but I find that I'm approaching them with a clearer head and not just flying off the handle when the situation doesn't warrant it. I feel like that is in large part due to the fact that I am still thinking about the things I'm grateful for daily and also because Mistress helped me see things in a different light than I did before. Basically, I'm just taking every day as it comes and not worrying too much about tomorrow or next week, or even next month. And Goddess knows I am a huge worrier, so that is a feat in itself! :) Yay me!

I believe that my trust in Mistress has increased greatly as well. And really a part of me hates to admit that, because I always thought that I already trusted her implicitly, but apparently I was only deceiving myself. Mistress knew all along that I didn't have complete and total trust in Her, I just didn't see it. Now I see that. And while I'd love to say that I do not trust Her with absolutely everything, I am leery of saying that now because whose to say that tomorrow something might prove that wrong? All I can say is that my trust has increased, and because of that I feel like Mistress' trust me has improved as well - though She hasn't told me that, so I can't say for certain.

We're on the right track. I can feel it, and it's exciting!

My Vacation From Submission

Well, I am not entirely sure where to start, or how far back to go. *muses*

Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.

We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.

Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.

The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.

My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.

She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.

Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*

We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.

What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)

Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.

Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.

So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.

Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.

Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.

It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.

The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.

At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.

However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.

I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).

When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.

I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.

One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.

Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)

I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.

By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.

~*~*~*~

Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore

Belonging

I've done a lot of thinking over the weekend and even before last weekend hit. I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life with Mistress and Sir. I don't really remember if I've talked about how she has told me that I can't and won't be fully and completely Her's until I am able to see in myself what She does. In other words, I have to truly believe that I am strong, beautiful, and that I deserve the love and trust She gives me. I've struggled with this greatly. Not only with Mistress, but even in my other relationships.

You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.

However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.

Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.

I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.

Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.

Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.

Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.

I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)

So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.

I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!

My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)

Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.

Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!

A Great Analogy

It's been quite an interesting week thus far. Yesterday morning I was late for work and had to deal with some things with my boss that were a little bit frustrating, but pretty much will work themselves out. Then today I over-slept and haven't fell all that great so I haven't got much accomplished.

Despite that, Monday night Mistress and I had a very good conversation. We talked about us, and Sir and how things might progress eventually. During our conversation she actually used the term "Sir" for the first time ever and it really struck a chord with me. Not at all in a bad way, but somehow I just wanted her to keep saying it. I don't know how things will work out, none of us do, and we'll just have to see how it goes and what happens along the way, it's not anything we can force. But I find myself dreaming more and more of him, along with Her and myself. He's been in many of my dreams lately and I find myself enjoying the thought more and more of him someday being my Master. It was so good to talk to Mistress about that and many other things.

I realize now, even moreso, what I've been doing to Her property (to myself). And it's because of an analogy she gave me the other thing. She told me to think about a knick-knack I have, my favorite one and I loved it so much that I bought a special shelf just for it. One day my sister comes over and moves my knick-knack from the shelf and puts in on my desk, turning it so that you can only see part of it, not all of it like you could on the shelf. But I moved it back to the shelf, only to have my sister move it again and tell me that the shelf was ugly and the knick-knack was as well, but that where she put it on the desk it looked a little better. She asked how I would feel and what I would do. So I told her that I'd be upset with my sister for moving my things, and that I would tell her just because she doesn't see the value in my things that I do, doesn't mean that they're ugly or unloveable. It was then that I realized just what she had been trying so hard to tell me lately about myself and how when I put myself down it hurts her because it's like me telling her that the things and people she loves are not important and mean nothing. That I am not important, and mean nothing to her. I was trying to tell her that it's ok to treat me like dirt. And it's not. At all. (I'm not saying that she does, please don't think that.)

I hope so much that I can stop doing this and keep myself where she put me because that is where she wants me to be. Actually, I know that I will do it. There's no other choice. I want nothing more than to make her happy and proud of me. I always wish that she is proud of who and what she owns. She's given me back such a huge part of myself that I can't help but want to do everything in my power to prove my love, loyalty, trust and respect to her. She's given me back the confidence I need in order to be the submissive that used to lurk so deeply inside that very few saw her, or new the depths of her abilities. But Mistress knew that part of me, even more than I did, and she's pulled it out slowly. I think, though, that there is even more than neither of us has ever seen. I look forward to exploring that with her.

Happy Birthday, Mistress!

Talk about an interesting week and weekend. Yesterday was my Mistress' birthday, so even though I told her several times yesterday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISTRESS! :) I am so very happy that she had a good birthday and that she had that beautiful smile on her face all day long. That makes me happier than anything right now.

The days leading up to her birthday were filled with family things for both her and myself. I had to help my sister with planning and shopping for things for my niece's upcoming birthday party for this next weekend. It's been a while since my sister, niece and myself have been able to have time out alone and it was a blast! We were all completely wore out by the time we got home, but still it was a great day. I was also able to get a few small things for my Mistress while we were out. My family doesn't know the type of relationship I'm involved in, so it was fun to buy my Mistress something right in front of my sister and know she had no idea who it was for or what it was about. That little air of secrecy and fear of being caught.

As my last few blogs have stated, I had been somewhat "down" or not my normal self and my Mistress and I are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with that. We haven't had as much time together lately as we normally do, but I truly do not believe that has anything to do with it. I think it's hormonal and something inside me, not something that is caused by anything external. I know one day last week, I had the urge to ask Mistress to slap me across the face, which she knows I am so totally not into. (It's fine for some, just not my thing.) I never asked her, because the feeling went away. But then over the weekend, I felt like asking her if she would make me cry, which I've never done before and actually scares me. I don't always think (for me) it's healthy to go that route. I know how I am and I tend to internalize everything and turn things around to make it into something that is shouldn't be and way bigger than it was intended. I make it personal. And I know quite well that I don't ever want Mistress to do something that I feel I need and then switch it around so that it's like I'm a victim. That's not right at all. And I know my Mistress does not wish that at all either. I did ask her last night, though, if I ever asked her to make me cry, if she would. We had a good talk about it and I found out that it truly depends on the reasons behind it, basically meaning that it can't be because I want an "excuse" to tear myself down, which I am not suppose to do anyhow. And I told her how I had wanted to ask her slap me as well.

Still, I think it all goes back to my hormones, which I think are messed up royally. I feel so out of control of my emotions lately, and even myself, in a way. There are some things that Dominants just can't control, and that's one of them. Sure, they can do things to try and improve them, but ultimately they can't control another person's emotions.

I had recently expressed to my Mistress that I feel like she gives me the world and I give her very little in return. Come to find out, she doesn't feel that way at all and has worried that she doesn't give enough to me. Honestly? That shocked the heck out of me! I truly feel as though she gives me everything I need, as well as most everything I want. She's not a cruel, harsh Mistress. She is actually very caring and loving, and I love that about her. (That's not to say that when I step out of line, she doesn't quickly get me back where I am suppose to be, because she does, and quite well!) We came to an agreement that we will both stop our negative thinking regarding that and trust one another that we are fulfilling each other's needs and even beyond that. She also suggested that I try another vitamin (is it a vitamin, or just an herb? I'm not sure.) in addition to the B Complex I've been taking, in the hopes of giving me more energy and improving my moods. So tomorrow after work I am going to buy some St. John's Wort and start taking that as well. We both know I need to see a Dr., but we also both know that I have no insurance and very little money at the moment, so for now, we need to try to find other ways to help myself, until I can get to a good Dr.

Our conversation was a very good one and today I feel more...grounded. And my hope is that she and I will always continue to talk as well as we do about everything, so that no matter what bumps may come our way, we can work through them together. I am so grateful that she is so big on communication and honesty, just as I am. I believe those two things alone can make or break a relationship.

Mistress - thank you so much for all you have done for me and continue to do. I am so glad that our paths finally matched up as they have so that we might enjoy this journey we're on together. You've given me and taught me so much more than you realize and it is because of the love and care I feel from you, that I am able to get through the difficult days, because I know that no matter what, you are still there. I love you and your guts to the moon and back times infinity. You are ~my~ perfect Mistress.

I'm late!

Yes, I'm two hours late even getting this blog entry started, however it absolutely could not be helped. I had to take care of a family emergency that took place earlier in the day and didn't get home in time to write when I was suppose to, and then I had to take care of something else with my family, because apparently today was a day for everyone to need ~me~. Now, I'm just completely exhausted and am hoping I can get to bed before my bed time tonight. I'm just not sure I can make it until 9:45pm to slip under the covers.

So, how have the past days been going you ask? Well, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the easiest days to follow the schedule, because I'm working most of the day, so Thursday went well and I had a great day at work! :) Then, it was either Friday or Saturday, I honestly can't remember which, but I had a difficult day because I'd had a bad dream the night before and woke up feeling sick to my stomach over it. I think that was Friday, now that I think about it more. And then over the weekend, I was just a little blah. I felt a little...depressed, but I am thinking that I'm pms'ing, or will be soon enough. Oh joy! :) Seriously, if that is what is going on with me, then I'm going to approach it with a different attitude than I normally do. I am determined not to let it get me down how it normally does. I have little people around here depending on me and I refuse to take out my crankiness on them!

Well, so then we get to today and today's schedule didn't go at all how it was suppose to. Which is why I'm just now writing in my blog.

Apart from that today, I'm in fairly good spirits, because I feel like even though I didn't do the job hunting that I was suppose to do, and that I had totally planned out, I believe I was productive in other ways and was able to really help my family out. So I'm happy about that. I'm glad I was available to help them when they needed it.

Also, I won't talk about this all that much here, because I don't want it to take over this blog. However, I lost four and a half pounds over the past week, which I'm totally stoked about, and I've been keeping up with that blog and my other blog. I'm also proud of myself for those things. I know this might sound odd, considering ultimately my Mistress is in control of me, but I feel like I've been in more control of my life recently, because she's given me the tools to succeed. So really, it's because of her control over me and my trust and faith in her, and hers in me, that I could accomplish what I have. I kind of wonder if that makes sense to anyone else? She gave me the tools and has been pushing me, and I've been doing the things I need to do in order to get the jobs done and move forward with my life. It's comforting to me, actually.

Hmm, to really think about it like that makes me see things differently, even now. The past few days I've felt like I haven't really done anything for my Mistress and that bothers me. In a sense, I have because I've kept up with the schedule, routines and rules she set out for me to follow as best I could while going about daily life and things that crop up out of nowhere. Basically, that means that I've done nothing at all to harm the faith and trust she has in me and in our relationship. :) Yay! That makes me very happy. Now to do something personally for her! I'm actually working on making something for her, for her birthday that is this coming Sunday! It just won't be done by then. I didn't get the idea for it in time to have it completed by then, but I will still finish it. I love doing little things for my Mistress.

Korean Faucets

Oh, I just love when my Mistress and I share something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and we both crack ourselves up for hours on end over it. That's exactly what Korean Faucets are to us. (No, it is NOT a slam against Koreans, or faucets.) You know how you will be in the middle of a conversation and someone says something totally off the wall that has nothing to do with the actual conversation, and then everyone cracks up laughing? That's what the faucet thing is all about. It's hard to explain what I mean without telling the entire conversation, which I don't want to do because I want to keep it just to my Mistress and myself. It wasn't even personal, but now it's kind of like our little joke. And it made us both laugh really hard for a very long time.

Anyhow, not much has happened since Monday for me. Monday I was sick and yesterday was a difficult day for me because I just wasn't feeling 100% yet. My Mistress also had a difficult day yesterday (which I won't go into as it's not my place). We talked about all of the things that happened with her day last night and for once I feel like I may have helped her destress. I know she would say that I've helped her before now and I'm sure she's right. I just feel like so much of the time it is her helping me calm down over things in life and I always wish that I could repay her for all she does for me. That's what this life is all about though, right? A give and take on both sides. Finding a balance in everything that fits the current situation. That's not to say that she's not always the dominant one, because she is and I am always the submissive one. It's just how it is. But even in that, there is a balancing act going on as every day we have to figure out just how dominant or how submissive to be based on whatever is taking place at the time. Or maybe it's not that we're "more or less" dominant or submissive, but how much we're able to show it outwardly. Because really, no matter what she is always dominant and I am always submissive. Those aren't variable, they're constants.

Wow, I think I just confused myself.

Anyways, I am still loving my new schedule. I am struggling somewhat with the bedtime and waking times because even when I've gone to bed before the bedtime, I'm still really tired when I wake up the next morning. But I know that in time I will get used to it and be totally cool with it, it's just a matter of retraining my body. Other than that, everything else with it I am totally cool with. Well, the shaving thing has been, hm, a challenge. I've never really been one to shave my pubic area on a regular basis and when I have, I've just shaved all of it. However, that isn't what Mistress wants me to do. I am not sure how to do what she wants and even though I looked it up online and talked to her about it before I tried it, I messed it up really badly and ended up taking it all off. I asked her if I could just remove all the hair all the time and her reaction still makes me giggle. She laughed when I asked that and then said no! I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it does. Yet again, she pointed out to me that I am still struggling with asking for help. I know I am and I hate that. I just have a hard time getting past needing help in the first place. But I'm trying still to get past that and I will. So, this coming Saturday, I have a feeling I'll get a lesson in...shaving. At my age, I should know how to do it! That's my first thought, but then how can anyone know how to do anything they haven't yet done? They can't, and don't.

Mistress says that it all comes down to trust. Trusting in her. She's right and I know it even though I don't like admitting that, simply because it means that I'm not completely putting my full and total trust in her. That bothers me, but at the same time I do know that it's a process and doesn't just happen overnight. I'll get there. I know it.

Progress

Well, when my Mistress first gave me my schedule and routines, my first thought was "there's not enough time in the day!" even though she had given exact times for everything. I was skeptical, right at first, meaning the very first time I read through it. Then I read it again and realized that the things she had on the schedule weren't difficult things to accomplish, nor were most of them all that time consuming. In other words, it can be done, quite easily, for the most part, and in the time she specified.

So, yesterday was my first day to live by the schedule she mapped out for me, and I actually did everything she wished! Today, the same thing. However, this morning, I realized that I had switched the first two things both days and didn't even know it until I looked at the schedule at about 10am. Since I was a little girl, we always woke up and immediately took a bath, then had breakfast. But Mistress wishes for me to have breakfast, and then a bath. Not a huge thing, right? Right. I just have reprogram myself to do it that way. So tomorrow, I WILL! Now that I realized today that I was switching them, I'm much more aware of it and will be sure to do it right tomorrow morning.

I was also a little worried about the water drinking, however I've had absolutely no problem with it so far. The thing I had trouble with today was actually taking my vitamin. I've never been good at swallowing pills, especially ones that I can taste as soon as they go in my mouth, which is why I always put liquid in my mouth, then the pill and then quickly drink more to force it down. But for some reason this morning the pill's taste was overly strong (they stink too!) and after gagging a few times, I was finally able to get it down. But by that point I had the taste all over my mouth and had to keep drinking to get it to go away. Geez, pill taking should not be so hard! hehe.

Oh yes, there is another thing that I struggled with today, inwardly at least. And that was waking up at 6am. I actually went to sleep before Mistress had scheduled for me too last night (skipped chatting online - which isn't a must.) because I pretty tired and I woke up two minutes before my alarm was to go off this morning. When I rolled over and glanced at the clock, I groaned and whimpered. I did not want to get up. I wanted to keep sleeping. After all, I didn't have anything "important" to do today, right? *scoffs at my own thoughts* I thought, very briefly, that I would just turn my alarm off and keep sleeping. Mistress would never know the difference, if I didn't tell her, right? Most likely. However, I would know and I know it would eat away at me until I fessed up and the punishment from that would be much worse than the fun I would have had sleeping in.

So, I turned my alarm off, before it even went off (a minute 'till - see all that took place in one minute!) and got out of bed. I was dragging for about two hours, but then got into the swing of things and have been going strong ever since.

I couldn't have slept in. It all comes down to respect, and trust. My Mistress is trusting me to follow the schedule and routines and to let her know when I don't. If I slept in and didn't tell her, that would be like telling her first off that I don't care about her rules, nor about our relationship, or anything she has to say, period. Essentially, I would have been telling her that I don't care about ~her~, and that just simply is NOT the case. I love my Mistress and wish to always make her proud of me, and happy in the things that I do. Being submissive doesn't mean that you always get your way, or that you always do things that you want or like. Did I like getting up early? Not at all. But I did it, and am now very happy that I did, because I didn't do anything to put a wedge of distrust in our relationship. I did it because I respect and love my Mistress and I know that she has only my best interest at heart. I do worry that when she reads this (or when I tell her - whichever comes first) that she might be upset that I even had those thoughts. Who could blame her though, truthfully?

Well, so, once I was up and about the house, I cleaned up my room. I still have more to do, sometime soon, but at least I can see my floor! And I got rid of a LOT of stuff. I still have tons more to go through and decide what I want to keep and what I wish to toss, just like every other room of the house too. I've also kept up on the laundry today and have just one more load, I think. Maybe two. (There were LOTS of towels, sheesh.) All the dishes are ready to be put in the dishwasher, as soon as I empty it when I'm finished posting this and start on dinner.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for sticking with it.

I also have a submissive mantra to learn. Mistress says I have three weeks (from Monday - so Sept. 29th) to learn it all and so far I know about half of it already. I love learning it. I love saying it during my morning routine as well. It makes me focus on myself and my submission before my day gets started really well. And I think it has been helping the day run more smoothly. I'm not sure yet if I will post my mantra on here or not. I need to talk to my Mistress about it and see what she thinks about doing that. I kind of feel like it's a very personal thing and am not sure that I am totally comfortable with sharing that, just yet at least. So, we'll see.

I guess that's it for now. I won't blog here again until next Monday, as I will be blogging here every Monday and Wednesday unless Mistress tells me otherwise.

Until then, be well bloggers!