Belonging

I've done a lot of thinking over the weekend and even before last weekend hit. I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life with Mistress and Sir. I don't really remember if I've talked about how she has told me that I can't and won't be fully and completely Her's until I am able to see in myself what She does. In other words, I have to truly believe that I am strong, beautiful, and that I deserve the love and trust She gives me. I've struggled with this greatly. Not only with Mistress, but even in my other relationships.

You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.

However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.

Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.

I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.

Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.

Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.

Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.

I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)

So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.

I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!

My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)

Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.

Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!