My Vacation From Submission

Well, I am not entirely sure where to start, or how far back to go. *muses*

Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.

We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.

Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.

The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.

My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.

She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.

Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*

We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.

What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)

Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.

Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.

So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.

Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.

Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.

It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.

The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.

At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.

However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.

I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).

When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.

I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.

One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.

Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)

I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.

By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.

~*~*~*~

Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore