Hiding

It's been quite a while since I've blogged here again. This time its because I have a new job and tomorrow is the first day I've had off in 27 days, so I've been just a tad bit exhausted. Alright, so a lot exhausted, but who's keeping track?

Anyhow, I'm going to try yet again to get back into the routine of blogging twice a week, but we'll see how it goes. It's not scheduled in on my new schedule (that I remember, though I very well might be wrong), but I know Mistress still wishes me to do it.

Speaking of, she has asked me to write an entry about hiding. Perhaps not 'hiding' in the sense that many would think of, or maybe in the lifestyle we lead there are others that would know exactly what I'm referring too.

I have a tendency to 'hide' myself when I'm feeling embarrassed or shy. I'll most often divert my eyes though there have been times where I've been known to actually bury my face in my hands. As if doing either of those will make the embarrassment go away or something. Though it never does.

I know this is something that Mistress wishes for me to stop doing, because it doesn't allow her to 'see' all of me when I do it. I have it in my head that if she can't see my eyes, then she can't know what I'm thinking or feeling, yet some part of me knows that isn't true at all.

Mistress wishes me to examine why I feel like I need to hide sometimes and to also see if I can figure out some ways to keep from doing so.

All I can really think of is that I hide when I feel like I've been 'bad' and am about to be in trouble, or am in trouble, when I am forced to speak about certain sexual things and get insanely embarrassed, or sometimes when I'm sad. Some part of me thinks I hide myself because I don't want Mistress to see how things really affect me because I know my eyes give everything away, and another part thinks that I do it simply out of habit. It's worse at times when we're exploring my submission at deeper levels and I have no clue as why.

As to how I could keep from hiding..well, sometimes I can control it and grit my teeth or sit on my hands to keep from it. But there are times, the times that I give in to it, that the embarrassment is too great to keep from at the very least lowering my eyes as a blush spreads quickly over me. That part I'm at a loss as to how to stop doing, it just feels like instinct to me. As far as actually covering my face with my hands, if I just try to really concentrate when those times arise, I think I could control myself, though I know that my eyes would lower. There's even been times when I get that embarrassed feeling and it brings tears to my eyes.

I don't understand it nor even pretend too.

If anyone out there has any ideas about this or a story of how they've overcome their shyness, I would love to hear from you! For the most part, I'm at a loss.

Doubting?

I really am not sure of what to write about lately, as I'm sure if evident in my recent posts. Everything is just extremely busy with Mistress and myself, and we've had little time to do much of anything together. It's hard right now, I'll admit that. I do wish we had more time, but I am very thankful for the time that we do have and know that in the future we will have even more. Someone asked me a few days ago if my feelings about Mistress and our relationship waver during times like this. If I ever doubt us or myself. My immediate response was absolutely not! I think they were shocked by this and really weren't able to understand why it doesn't have that sort of affect on me. Since then I've considered their question quite a bit and still my answer is the same. I've analyzed in my mind why it doesn't waver, why I don't feel like our relationship might be 'slipping away', or what have you. And what I have come up with is that no matter what is going in our lives, I know where I stand with my Mistress and I know that we both desire for this to work, thus it will. I know for certain that even though life seems to get in the way at times, that's just the way it is. We don't always get what you want out of life, so why should the lifestyle be any different? I don't question whether or not Mistress cares for me. I know she does! I don't question myself either, because I know where my own feelings remain. I am confident in 'us' and what we have, despite other things taking the front burner for a while. That's just the way it is and I think any submissive worth their salt will understand that they are not 'number one' all the time and sometimes not even half the time depending on many variables of the relationship. Yet when you're together, you're both number one to each other.

On another point, Mistress has me rewriting my schedule and it's due to her next Tuesday. I'm to include my exercise routine. I interviewed for a new job today and will soon know if I got it. The hours aren't the same all the time, so I'm not sure how Mistress will wish to handle the schedule as far as that goes. I guess I'll found out soon!

Another Thursday Question

Thursday Question
Do you have requirements for your health and fitness? What role does your partner have in controlling this part of your life?

Well, initially Mistress had it in my schedule for me to exercise several nights a week and I did, but things have changed. Now with my diabetes things are different and alot stricter, although I'm not sure I'd say they're stricter because of Mistress, or not.

I'm in the process of making up a new exercise routine for myself and I am on a "diet". Basically I am eating fewer calories as well as few carbs. As few as my body will allow. I did that on my own without Mistress telling me to do. However, I believe the reason it's been going so well thus far is in large part because of her encouragement and praise for the hard work I've put into it already. She wants me to be healthy and I know for sure that if I didn't step up and work on it myself, she would put her foot down and demand it of me. I think it's just easier all the way around not to make her have to do that and take the initiative myself.

All that said, it will be in my new schedule which I will be making up and Mistress will adjust things if she thinks it is needed and then she'll enforce it. So in a way, she does play a large part in this aspect of my life because of the schedule. But I do believe it is one of those things that I would do reguardless of whether she made me or not.