I'm late!

Yes, I'm two hours late even getting this blog entry started, however it absolutely could not be helped. I had to take care of a family emergency that took place earlier in the day and didn't get home in time to write when I was suppose to, and then I had to take care of something else with my family, because apparently today was a day for everyone to need ~me~. Now, I'm just completely exhausted and am hoping I can get to bed before my bed time tonight. I'm just not sure I can make it until 9:45pm to slip under the covers.

So, how have the past days been going you ask? Well, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the easiest days to follow the schedule, because I'm working most of the day, so Thursday went well and I had a great day at work! :) Then, it was either Friday or Saturday, I honestly can't remember which, but I had a difficult day because I'd had a bad dream the night before and woke up feeling sick to my stomach over it. I think that was Friday, now that I think about it more. And then over the weekend, I was just a little blah. I felt a little...depressed, but I am thinking that I'm pms'ing, or will be soon enough. Oh joy! :) Seriously, if that is what is going on with me, then I'm going to approach it with a different attitude than I normally do. I am determined not to let it get me down how it normally does. I have little people around here depending on me and I refuse to take out my crankiness on them!

Well, so then we get to today and today's schedule didn't go at all how it was suppose to. Which is why I'm just now writing in my blog.

Apart from that today, I'm in fairly good spirits, because I feel like even though I didn't do the job hunting that I was suppose to do, and that I had totally planned out, I believe I was productive in other ways and was able to really help my family out. So I'm happy about that. I'm glad I was available to help them when they needed it.

Also, I won't talk about this all that much here, because I don't want it to take over this blog. However, I lost four and a half pounds over the past week, which I'm totally stoked about, and I've been keeping up with that blog and my other blog. I'm also proud of myself for those things. I know this might sound odd, considering ultimately my Mistress is in control of me, but I feel like I've been in more control of my life recently, because she's given me the tools to succeed. So really, it's because of her control over me and my trust and faith in her, and hers in me, that I could accomplish what I have. I kind of wonder if that makes sense to anyone else? She gave me the tools and has been pushing me, and I've been doing the things I need to do in order to get the jobs done and move forward with my life. It's comforting to me, actually.

Hmm, to really think about it like that makes me see things differently, even now. The past few days I've felt like I haven't really done anything for my Mistress and that bothers me. In a sense, I have because I've kept up with the schedule, routines and rules she set out for me to follow as best I could while going about daily life and things that crop up out of nowhere. Basically, that means that I've done nothing at all to harm the faith and trust she has in me and in our relationship. :) Yay! That makes me very happy. Now to do something personally for her! I'm actually working on making something for her, for her birthday that is this coming Sunday! It just won't be done by then. I didn't get the idea for it in time to have it completed by then, but I will still finish it. I love doing little things for my Mistress.

Korean Faucets

Oh, I just love when my Mistress and I share something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and we both crack ourselves up for hours on end over it. That's exactly what Korean Faucets are to us. (No, it is NOT a slam against Koreans, or faucets.) You know how you will be in the middle of a conversation and someone says something totally off the wall that has nothing to do with the actual conversation, and then everyone cracks up laughing? That's what the faucet thing is all about. It's hard to explain what I mean without telling the entire conversation, which I don't want to do because I want to keep it just to my Mistress and myself. It wasn't even personal, but now it's kind of like our little joke. And it made us both laugh really hard for a very long time.

Anyhow, not much has happened since Monday for me. Monday I was sick and yesterday was a difficult day for me because I just wasn't feeling 100% yet. My Mistress also had a difficult day yesterday (which I won't go into as it's not my place). We talked about all of the things that happened with her day last night and for once I feel like I may have helped her destress. I know she would say that I've helped her before now and I'm sure she's right. I just feel like so much of the time it is her helping me calm down over things in life and I always wish that I could repay her for all she does for me. That's what this life is all about though, right? A give and take on both sides. Finding a balance in everything that fits the current situation. That's not to say that she's not always the dominant one, because she is and I am always the submissive one. It's just how it is. But even in that, there is a balancing act going on as every day we have to figure out just how dominant or how submissive to be based on whatever is taking place at the time. Or maybe it's not that we're "more or less" dominant or submissive, but how much we're able to show it outwardly. Because really, no matter what she is always dominant and I am always submissive. Those aren't variable, they're constants.

Wow, I think I just confused myself.

Anyways, I am still loving my new schedule. I am struggling somewhat with the bedtime and waking times because even when I've gone to bed before the bedtime, I'm still really tired when I wake up the next morning. But I know that in time I will get used to it and be totally cool with it, it's just a matter of retraining my body. Other than that, everything else with it I am totally cool with. Well, the shaving thing has been, hm, a challenge. I've never really been one to shave my pubic area on a regular basis and when I have, I've just shaved all of it. However, that isn't what Mistress wants me to do. I am not sure how to do what she wants and even though I looked it up online and talked to her about it before I tried it, I messed it up really badly and ended up taking it all off. I asked her if I could just remove all the hair all the time and her reaction still makes me giggle. She laughed when I asked that and then said no! I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it does. Yet again, she pointed out to me that I am still struggling with asking for help. I know I am and I hate that. I just have a hard time getting past needing help in the first place. But I'm trying still to get past that and I will. So, this coming Saturday, I have a feeling I'll get a lesson in...shaving. At my age, I should know how to do it! That's my first thought, but then how can anyone know how to do anything they haven't yet done? They can't, and don't.

Mistress says that it all comes down to trust. Trusting in her. She's right and I know it even though I don't like admitting that, simply because it means that I'm not completely putting my full and total trust in her. That bothers me, but at the same time I do know that it's a process and doesn't just happen overnight. I'll get there. I know it.

Thinking things through

Well, I've not done as well with blogging as I had originally hoped, but I am not giving up. I will get into a routine with it soon and then I'll feel even better about it. The last week has just been really crazy for me, so I haven't had all that much time to blog anyhow.

But, here I am now.

My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.

They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)

I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"

Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)

I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.

Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.

I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?

I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.

I need help with it. I admit it, finally.

I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.

~Be well, readers.