Thinking things through

Well, I've not done as well with blogging as I had originally hoped, but I am not giving up. I will get into a routine with it soon and then I'll feel even better about it. The last week has just been really crazy for me, so I haven't had all that much time to blog anyhow.

But, here I am now.

My Mistress and I are working together on some rules and a routine for me. One new rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to speak negatively about myself anymore. If I start to feel like I am going to, or if I do, then I have to say something positive about myself, or attract something positive for our relationship. When she first told me this new rule, I was very afraid that I would fail. But, I knew that I would do my best with it and even though it's only been two days, I believe that I've done well. And I think I'm happier, in a way, because of it.

They say that the more you smile, even if it's forced, the better you will feel and then you'll want to smile and it won't be forced. I think it could be the same with saying positive things. The more you say positive things, they happier you will be because you're thinking about good things instead of bad things and that will only bring even more good things to fruition. (Yes, Mistress, I know it's the Law of Attraction, and I'm still learning that. :) It's a process for me, apparently.)

I know that I have to get myself together and fast. Without going into all that much detail about my personal life...I am searching for a job. I need one, desperately. And as my Mistress said the other day, "It's time to sink or swim. Which will it be?"

Well, I have a fear of drowning, so I certainly will not be sinking. I will swim, even if I have to learn a new way of breathing. That's my only option. Sinking may be an option for some people, but it's not for me. If I am to be positive, then it will apply to everything I do (which I know is what my Mistress intended, anyhow.)

I admit that I'm nervous. I want rules and routines and know that I need that. But, as my Mistress and I have talked about before, I don't want to become dependent on her, or the relationship. I don't want to lose myself in it. She doesn't want that either. She talks about micro-managing me, or really, my time. And that has always made me anxious, because I feel like micro-managing makes people dependent. I've actually never brought this up with my Mistress, simply because I know her well enough to know that is not her intention, nor how she views it.

Well, a few nights ago, I asked her if she would give me rules about shaving, doing my nails and wearing my glasses. I was in a sort of frenzied state and felt unbalanced because of some things that have absolutely nothing to do with her, or our relationship. I don't really want rules about those things. I think that would just be too much for me and I would probably end up resenting her for it, when I'm the one that asked for it. All it took was her saying that she would have to think about it because that seemed like micro-micro-managing to her and reiterated again that she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, nor will she allow it. As soon as she said it, I realized that I just felt disconnected (from myself, really) and needed a reality check. I'm grateful to my Mistress for that.

I need rules and boundaries, but not so much that it stifles who I am, and I know that my Mistress does and will continue to give me that. So then why do I feel nervous?

I think a lot of it because we have been friends for many years. It was always in a lifestyle context, but still, we were friends first. And even though I have felt like I belonged to her for longer than I technically have, it's..different..to kind of switch gears from friends to Mistress and submissive. Sometimes, I am unsure how to say things in a submissive manner, instead of a friend manner. Or how to act. For the most part, everything just comes naturally with her and I, and I love that. But this sometimes trips me up.

I need help with it. I admit it, finally.

I'm horrible at admitting that I need help with something and my Mistress knows that. I'm trying to work on that, and I suppose this is my first step. I need help transitioning from one to the other. I feel like I'm making it harder than it should be and if I were to guess, she will most likely agree. I do that really well though! Make things harder than they really are, or should be.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I just got lost in my thoughts about this and don't know what more to write.

~Be well, readers.