I know this will be short because I don't really have anything to say at the moment. Mistress and I are both doing well, though adjusting to some new meds on both our parts. Our lives have both been very busy lately due to the holiday season.
Oh I did have a pretty cool dream a few nights ago, where She and I were snuggled together in bed. We were spooning, with my back against her chest, and she had made sure that I was entirely nude. We talked until we weren't making sense and then as we told each other goodnight she slide one of her hands down between my thighs to cup my sex and whispered against my ear that I was to remain like that all night long so that I might be reminded that she owns every part of me. In the dream, I barely slept at all because her show of dominance and ownership over me had me floating all night. When I woke from the dream for real, I actually felt like it had really happened and just lay in bed thinking about it for a while.
Now that's in my head again!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Another Thursday Questions
Looking to the future, how do you see yourself changing in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
OR
Looking to the past, what changes have you gone though from 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years?
I know it says -or-, but I think I am going to answer both!
First, I'll answer for the past.
One year ago, I didn't have a job and thought life wasn't worth living. I was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything.
Five years ago, I was still in college and working my butt off to keep my grades up so that I could graduate on time! :)
Ten years ago (from today), I had no clue I would lose my mom two weeks later. And when I did it sent me into a downward spiral of the worst sort of depression I've ever experienced. Even worse than a year ago. I'm amazed that I made it through that time with as much sanity as I did. I love you Mom!
Now, for the future.
In one year, I expect myself to have a well paying job that I love, have my diabetes under control and have lost most, if not all the weight that I need to lose!
In five years, I expect to still have that job, still have diabetes under control and to have kept the weight off. I also expect to be living with (or much closer) to Mistress and Sir and to have deepened our relationship even further. I will hopefully be doing volunteer work, perhaps with a group that advocates for people with disabilities. :)
And, in ten years, all of the above, plus I expect to have decided if I wish to have children of my own, adopt, or not. And if not, then I wish to maybe be a foster parent, or to donate regularly to an organization that helps children in need. By then Mistress' business will be soaring! And I'll help her with that as much as she wishes. :)
OR
Looking to the past, what changes have you gone though from 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years?
I know it says -or-, but I think I am going to answer both!
First, I'll answer for the past.
One year ago, I didn't have a job and thought life wasn't worth living. I was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything.
Five years ago, I was still in college and working my butt off to keep my grades up so that I could graduate on time! :)
Ten years ago (from today), I had no clue I would lose my mom two weeks later. And when I did it sent me into a downward spiral of the worst sort of depression I've ever experienced. Even worse than a year ago. I'm amazed that I made it through that time with as much sanity as I did. I love you Mom!
Now, for the future.
In one year, I expect myself to have a well paying job that I love, have my diabetes under control and have lost most, if not all the weight that I need to lose!
In five years, I expect to still have that job, still have diabetes under control and to have kept the weight off. I also expect to be living with (or much closer) to Mistress and Sir and to have deepened our relationship even further. I will hopefully be doing volunteer work, perhaps with a group that advocates for people with disabilities. :)
And, in ten years, all of the above, plus I expect to have decided if I wish to have children of my own, adopt, or not. And if not, then I wish to maybe be a foster parent, or to donate regularly to an organization that helps children in need. By then Mistress' business will be soaring! And I'll help her with that as much as she wishes. :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A better look inside
Mistress is busy with baking goodies for the upcoming holidays. And I've been preparing my kiddos at work for their Christmas play which we put on tonight for their parents. It seems like this time of year makes it hard to stay in constant communication, although I believe Mistress and I have managed well.
Last week I had some news brought to my attention and since then I've debated over mentioning it here, because I have tried to keep most of what I speak of here about my submission and my journey with Mistress and Sir, with the occassional mentions of family or work. However, this is something that actually and most likely will directly affect my submission. I know there will be a lot of changes, and there already has been on my part. So I've decided to share it here.
I was just diagnosed as Type 2 Diabetic. I won't go into great details here (I don't think!) about it or how I deal with it and what not. However, I know that there will be changes, some enforced by Mistress, and some made on my own, that I will most likely blog about eventually. But I am not going to let this take over the purpose of this blog, even though in some ways it is a part of it. I know in the long run it can affect many things within our relationship and very well could affect the intensity of play times and such. But it's too soon to tell if that will be the case or not.
I know I will be on a much stricter diet. Mistress mentioned helping with that, and I'm not sure if she means that she will come up with one herself for me, or if she meant something else by that. Either way, I've already put myself on a strict diet, and it seems to be working well so far.
So, there you have it. That's a large part of why I've been so ill lately, and for so long. It takes diabetics a lot longer to heal from normal every day things like a cold.
That's all the time I have for now as I have to get some other things done before heading to the school for our play this evening. So, to my readers, I wish you all well!
Last week I had some news brought to my attention and since then I've debated over mentioning it here, because I have tried to keep most of what I speak of here about my submission and my journey with Mistress and Sir, with the occassional mentions of family or work. However, this is something that actually and most likely will directly affect my submission. I know there will be a lot of changes, and there already has been on my part. So I've decided to share it here.
I was just diagnosed as Type 2 Diabetic. I won't go into great details here (I don't think!) about it or how I deal with it and what not. However, I know that there will be changes, some enforced by Mistress, and some made on my own, that I will most likely blog about eventually. But I am not going to let this take over the purpose of this blog, even though in some ways it is a part of it. I know in the long run it can affect many things within our relationship and very well could affect the intensity of play times and such. But it's too soon to tell if that will be the case or not.
I know I will be on a much stricter diet. Mistress mentioned helping with that, and I'm not sure if she means that she will come up with one herself for me, or if she meant something else by that. Either way, I've already put myself on a strict diet, and it seems to be working well so far.
So, there you have it. That's a large part of why I've been so ill lately, and for so long. It takes diabetics a lot longer to heal from normal every day things like a cold.
That's all the time I have for now as I have to get some other things done before heading to the school for our play this evening. So, to my readers, I wish you all well!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Honesty is the best policy
Another Thursday Question
Do you have a rule about lying? Explain how honesty and transparency are alike or different in your relationship? What is the most difficult thing you have had to be honest about?
Yes, Mistress and I have a rule about lying. It's called "NO lying!" Not on either of our parts. We both feel very strongly about this and believe that lying causing rifts in relationships that shouldn't be there, or wouldn't be there had the people involved been honest and upfront the entire time. Without good communication in our relationship, we would be doomed, I'm sure. But we both know just how important it is and we strive daily to keep our lines of communication open. I believe that if I can't be honest with Mistress, then there is no point in even trying to submit to her. It would be a lie, and there would be no trust there. It would be fake. And not at all what I wish for our relationship to be.
Honesty and transparency are basically the same thing within our relationship. To be transparent means to not hide anything, to be clear and open to others. And if you're being honest, then you're being transparent. I don't hide anything from Mistress, nothing at all. If I'm upset over something, anything, even if it has nothing to do with us, she knows about it. Same with her. If we're happy about something, the other knows about it. A lot of our relationship is based on talking and filling one another in on what is going on inside ourselves. It's how we've managed to get as close as we are and remain that way for so long. It started out like that when we were just friends and only deepened the further we went into our relationship.
Now, as far as what has been the most difficult thing for me to be honest about. Wow. I'd have to say that it's extremely difficult for me to ask for help, no matter what the problem is that I am struggling with, I hate to ask for help, because I've been trained (because of my past) to believe that asking for help means that I'm weak and that I've failed. Mistress has worked had to try and erase that thinking from my mind and while I'd love to say that it's entirely gone, I don't feel that it would be honest to say that, when I'm really unsure about that. I do know that I've grown in this area, and have been able to swallow back my feelings about it a few times to ask for her help, or the help of another. But I can't say with certainty that I would be able to do that all the time, no matter what. I've grown though, and to me, that is what truly matters.
I just feel as though, if I weren't honest with Mistress at all times then I would basically be slapping her in the face and telling her that I don't trust her, nor respect her. Just the thought of that makes me cringe! I can't imagine every treating Mistress like that, so why would I do it by being dishonest?
Do you have a rule about lying? Explain how honesty and transparency are alike or different in your relationship? What is the most difficult thing you have had to be honest about?
Yes, Mistress and I have a rule about lying. It's called "NO lying!" Not on either of our parts. We both feel very strongly about this and believe that lying causing rifts in relationships that shouldn't be there, or wouldn't be there had the people involved been honest and upfront the entire time. Without good communication in our relationship, we would be doomed, I'm sure. But we both know just how important it is and we strive daily to keep our lines of communication open. I believe that if I can't be honest with Mistress, then there is no point in even trying to submit to her. It would be a lie, and there would be no trust there. It would be fake. And not at all what I wish for our relationship to be.
Honesty and transparency are basically the same thing within our relationship. To be transparent means to not hide anything, to be clear and open to others. And if you're being honest, then you're being transparent. I don't hide anything from Mistress, nothing at all. If I'm upset over something, anything, even if it has nothing to do with us, she knows about it. Same with her. If we're happy about something, the other knows about it. A lot of our relationship is based on talking and filling one another in on what is going on inside ourselves. It's how we've managed to get as close as we are and remain that way for so long. It started out like that when we were just friends and only deepened the further we went into our relationship.
Now, as far as what has been the most difficult thing for me to be honest about. Wow. I'd have to say that it's extremely difficult for me to ask for help, no matter what the problem is that I am struggling with, I hate to ask for help, because I've been trained (because of my past) to believe that asking for help means that I'm weak and that I've failed. Mistress has worked had to try and erase that thinking from my mind and while I'd love to say that it's entirely gone, I don't feel that it would be honest to say that, when I'm really unsure about that. I do know that I've grown in this area, and have been able to swallow back my feelings about it a few times to ask for her help, or the help of another. But I can't say with certainty that I would be able to do that all the time, no matter what. I've grown though, and to me, that is what truly matters.
I just feel as though, if I weren't honest with Mistress at all times then I would basically be slapping her in the face and telling her that I don't trust her, nor respect her. Just the thought of that makes me cringe! I can't imagine every treating Mistress like that, so why would I do it by being dishonest?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"Good girl"
Simply because of things going on in my life today, I have decided to speak about another of luna's Thursday Questions instead of just free-writing. Maybe it's a sort of cop-out, but I don't wish my blog to be tinged with certain things here that truly have nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress.
The question:
How important is the phrase, “Good Girl” to you? How do you feel when it is said? Do you have other words of praise that you love to hear from your owner?
Mistress doesn't say good girl to me very often, so when she does I know it's because I did something exceptionally well. However, she uses other words that I believe have a much deeper impact on me than that does. Some of those are dirty girl, cunt whore, dirty whore, fuck puppy, slut puppy, and various other similar "pet names". I think those words send me into a deeper mind frame than good girl does, oddly enough. And I think it has a lot to do with the sound of her voice when she says them. I can feel the pride in her when she calls me those names. I can with good girl as well, but it's different somehow, and I'm not sure how to explain it really. The feeling I get when Mistress uses those names with me is one of pure ownership and love. Not love like many people would think, though, as Mistress and I have a very different kind of relationship. We love one another, very deeply, but it's not at all a sexual love. Which tends to confuse some people, but it works for us. It also gives me a feeling of humiliation, even if there is no one else there but the two of us. I feel humiliated or embarrassed that she sees certain things in me like that. Things that most people who know me have no clue about and would guess. The way Mistress says certain things can have me floating around in head space probably faster than most other things. *Grins* I think she tends to enjoy that as much as I do.
The question:
How important is the phrase, “Good Girl” to you? How do you feel when it is said? Do you have other words of praise that you love to hear from your owner?
Mistress doesn't say good girl to me very often, so when she does I know it's because I did something exceptionally well. However, she uses other words that I believe have a much deeper impact on me than that does. Some of those are dirty girl, cunt whore, dirty whore, fuck puppy, slut puppy, and various other similar "pet names". I think those words send me into a deeper mind frame than good girl does, oddly enough. And I think it has a lot to do with the sound of her voice when she says them. I can feel the pride in her when she calls me those names. I can with good girl as well, but it's different somehow, and I'm not sure how to explain it really. The feeling I get when Mistress uses those names with me is one of pure ownership and love. Not love like many people would think, though, as Mistress and I have a very different kind of relationship. We love one another, very deeply, but it's not at all a sexual love. Which tends to confuse some people, but it works for us. It also gives me a feeling of humiliation, even if there is no one else there but the two of us. I feel humiliated or embarrassed that she sees certain things in me like that. Things that most people who know me have no clue about and would guess. The way Mistress says certain things can have me floating around in head space probably faster than most other things. *Grins* I think she tends to enjoy that as much as I do.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A day late..
And a dollar short? Drats! I need all the dollars I can get right now. Heh!
No, seriously, I was suppose to blog yesterday but I've been ill again. Still am today and was even sent home from work early because of it. I'm just now feeling well enough to really sit here and try to form some coherent thoughts.
So there isn't a whole lot to say right now as far as what is going on with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, because of the holidays and other things going on outside of the relationship. However, a few days ago I was reading through luna's blog at her Thursday Questions. I figured I'd go back through them and discuss some of them here periodically when there isn't much else to talk about, like now.
Here's the one I chose for today.
Everyone gets angry, but as a submissive how do you convey that anger? What ways do you release the anger? What if you are angry with your partner? How do you safely express your feelings without regrets?
I can honestly say that I've never been angry with Mistress. Granted, there have been times when I've felt frustrated when we are having trouble communicating to one another, but that's not very often. And when it does happen, we both try to take a step back, breathe and then try to explain things to the other person in a different way. It works more times than it doesn't.
Also, I know that if for some reason I ever do become angry with Mistress that she would wish for me to tell her. But I wouldn't just be allowed to yell or scream it at her. I would do my best to approach her calmly and rationally, and then discuss whatever the situation was together and come to common ground.
If I'm angry with others, there is a very specific way that Mistress has me deal with it which involves writing it out - why I'm angry, what happened to make me angry or hurt, and to truly forgive the person and write that out as well. It helps me immensely to be able to release pent up anger and hurt. Sometimes, too, she might have me write the person a letter, or speak directly to them. It's all about taking back your own power, and not handing it out for others to use and abuse. And it works.
No, seriously, I was suppose to blog yesterday but I've been ill again. Still am today and was even sent home from work early because of it. I'm just now feeling well enough to really sit here and try to form some coherent thoughts.
So there isn't a whole lot to say right now as far as what is going on with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, because of the holidays and other things going on outside of the relationship. However, a few days ago I was reading through luna's blog at her Thursday Questions. I figured I'd go back through them and discuss some of them here periodically when there isn't much else to talk about, like now.
Here's the one I chose for today.
Everyone gets angry, but as a submissive how do you convey that anger? What ways do you release the anger? What if you are angry with your partner? How do you safely express your feelings without regrets?
I can honestly say that I've never been angry with Mistress. Granted, there have been times when I've felt frustrated when we are having trouble communicating to one another, but that's not very often. And when it does happen, we both try to take a step back, breathe and then try to explain things to the other person in a different way. It works more times than it doesn't.
Also, I know that if for some reason I ever do become angry with Mistress that she would wish for me to tell her. But I wouldn't just be allowed to yell or scream it at her. I would do my best to approach her calmly and rationally, and then discuss whatever the situation was together and come to common ground.
If I'm angry with others, there is a very specific way that Mistress has me deal with it which involves writing it out - why I'm angry, what happened to make me angry or hurt, and to truly forgive the person and write that out as well. It helps me immensely to be able to release pent up anger and hurt. Sometimes, too, she might have me write the person a letter, or speak directly to them. It's all about taking back your own power, and not handing it out for others to use and abuse. And it works.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Ack!
I missed three blogging days again! Bleh, I hate that. But, it wasn't just because I 'didn't do it'. I've been busy, as I know everyone has, with the holidays and family things going on recently. I need to learn to balance those things with my life of submission better. It kind of seems to me like I am having trouble integrating the two, when they really shouldn't be so separate. Since my family has no clue about my lifestyle choices sometimes it is very difficult for me to do things that I know I should be and need to be doing for myself and for Mistress and our relationship. It feels like I either am totally focused on my family and leave out a big chunk of my submission things, or I am entirely focused on my submission and leave my family on the back burner. Is there a happy medium? If anyone out there even reads my blog and you have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear from you! And any tips or anything you might have on finding that balance.
My life with my family has been a little bit topsy-turvy of late and I'm ready for a change. I also still need to find a second job and very soon. Like, yesterday! I don't like the stress I've been feeling lately and I feel like if I could just get the change that I so desperately need, the stress would be at a bare minimum once again. But it will be months, six or so, before that happens.
I also am worried about getting the winter blues. For the past several years, since my mom passed away, every winter is incredibly difficult for me and it's a struggle each year not to sink into a pretty deep depression. Last years was very bad, one of the worst and had it not been for Mistress I am not sure I would have got out of it when I did. I think I've touched on this a little in another post or two, but last year I pulled away from everyone and everything. It wasn't until Mistress (who wasn't my Mistress at the time, but a very close and good Dominant friend) came to me and got in my face to tell me how much she loves and cares about me, that others do as well, and I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Not her exact words, but that's the jist of what she meant. And it worked. Not right away, but it slowly did what she wanted it to do. So I'm more conscious that this happens to me in the winter and am hoping to avoid it this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
My life with my family has been a little bit topsy-turvy of late and I'm ready for a change. I also still need to find a second job and very soon. Like, yesterday! I don't like the stress I've been feeling lately and I feel like if I could just get the change that I so desperately need, the stress would be at a bare minimum once again. But it will be months, six or so, before that happens.
I also am worried about getting the winter blues. For the past several years, since my mom passed away, every winter is incredibly difficult for me and it's a struggle each year not to sink into a pretty deep depression. Last years was very bad, one of the worst and had it not been for Mistress I am not sure I would have got out of it when I did. I think I've touched on this a little in another post or two, but last year I pulled away from everyone and everything. It wasn't until Mistress (who wasn't my Mistress at the time, but a very close and good Dominant friend) came to me and got in my face to tell me how much she loves and cares about me, that others do as well, and I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Not her exact words, but that's the jist of what she meant. And it worked. Not right away, but it slowly did what she wanted it to do. So I'm more conscious that this happens to me in the winter and am hoping to avoid it this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
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