Happy Birthday, Mistress!

Talk about an interesting week and weekend. Yesterday was my Mistress' birthday, so even though I told her several times yesterday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISTRESS! :) I am so very happy that she had a good birthday and that she had that beautiful smile on her face all day long. That makes me happier than anything right now.

The days leading up to her birthday were filled with family things for both her and myself. I had to help my sister with planning and shopping for things for my niece's upcoming birthday party for this next weekend. It's been a while since my sister, niece and myself have been able to have time out alone and it was a blast! We were all completely wore out by the time we got home, but still it was a great day. I was also able to get a few small things for my Mistress while we were out. My family doesn't know the type of relationship I'm involved in, so it was fun to buy my Mistress something right in front of my sister and know she had no idea who it was for or what it was about. That little air of secrecy and fear of being caught.

As my last few blogs have stated, I had been somewhat "down" or not my normal self and my Mistress and I are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with that. We haven't had as much time together lately as we normally do, but I truly do not believe that has anything to do with it. I think it's hormonal and something inside me, not something that is caused by anything external. I know one day last week, I had the urge to ask Mistress to slap me across the face, which she knows I am so totally not into. (It's fine for some, just not my thing.) I never asked her, because the feeling went away. But then over the weekend, I felt like asking her if she would make me cry, which I've never done before and actually scares me. I don't always think (for me) it's healthy to go that route. I know how I am and I tend to internalize everything and turn things around to make it into something that is shouldn't be and way bigger than it was intended. I make it personal. And I know quite well that I don't ever want Mistress to do something that I feel I need and then switch it around so that it's like I'm a victim. That's not right at all. And I know my Mistress does not wish that at all either. I did ask her last night, though, if I ever asked her to make me cry, if she would. We had a good talk about it and I found out that it truly depends on the reasons behind it, basically meaning that it can't be because I want an "excuse" to tear myself down, which I am not suppose to do anyhow. And I told her how I had wanted to ask her slap me as well.

Still, I think it all goes back to my hormones, which I think are messed up royally. I feel so out of control of my emotions lately, and even myself, in a way. There are some things that Dominants just can't control, and that's one of them. Sure, they can do things to try and improve them, but ultimately they can't control another person's emotions.

I had recently expressed to my Mistress that I feel like she gives me the world and I give her very little in return. Come to find out, she doesn't feel that way at all and has worried that she doesn't give enough to me. Honestly? That shocked the heck out of me! I truly feel as though she gives me everything I need, as well as most everything I want. She's not a cruel, harsh Mistress. She is actually very caring and loving, and I love that about her. (That's not to say that when I step out of line, she doesn't quickly get me back where I am suppose to be, because she does, and quite well!) We came to an agreement that we will both stop our negative thinking regarding that and trust one another that we are fulfilling each other's needs and even beyond that. She also suggested that I try another vitamin (is it a vitamin, or just an herb? I'm not sure.) in addition to the B Complex I've been taking, in the hopes of giving me more energy and improving my moods. So tomorrow after work I am going to buy some St. John's Wort and start taking that as well. We both know I need to see a Dr., but we also both know that I have no insurance and very little money at the moment, so for now, we need to try to find other ways to help myself, until I can get to a good Dr.

Our conversation was a very good one and today I feel more...grounded. And my hope is that she and I will always continue to talk as well as we do about everything, so that no matter what bumps may come our way, we can work through them together. I am so grateful that she is so big on communication and honesty, just as I am. I believe those two things alone can make or break a relationship.

Mistress - thank you so much for all you have done for me and continue to do. I am so glad that our paths finally matched up as they have so that we might enjoy this journey we're on together. You've given me and taught me so much more than you realize and it is because of the love and care I feel from you, that I am able to get through the difficult days, because I know that no matter what, you are still there. I love you and your guts to the moon and back times infinity. You are ~my~ perfect Mistress.