So, Mistress is still under the weather and I seem to be doing better with each day. I just wish there were something I could do for Her. Hopefully, She'll be back on Her feet in the next day or so. *Crosses fingers for that*
Not a lot to really blog about since Monday. I worked all day yesterday and today I've been busy with my schedule'd tasks for the day. Mainly cleaning things around the house and getting laundry taken care of. The normal, every day life type of things. Of course, today is the day that I'm suppose to masturbate for an hour, but I wasn't able to do that. Actually, I haven't been able to do any of the scheduled times for that the past week and a half now, for reasons that I won't go into here, but I'm starting to really be annoyed that I can't. I've never been big on masturbating, until Mistress put it into my schedule and now I've grown to love it, so now I miss it! And I want it back. Hopefully, I'll be able to continue before my next scheduled time. I think I need it.
Oh, I'm hoping to shampoo some carpets here over the weekend. There is still a lot of deep cleaning needing to be done, and I'm working on that. I think, though, that if I get the carpets shampood and steam-cleaned then I'll have even more desire to get to the nitty-gritty in every room of the house.
Yeah, alright, so that's not really something you'd find in most submissive blogs, right? But not everything a submissive does is fun or about sex and play time either. They still have every day life things to do just like everybody else. And that just happens to be part of mine. It's just part of being human.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Missed Blogging
So, I missed blogging all last week because I was incredibly busy with things dealing with my job and some family things that I needed to get taken care of. It actually feels odd not to have blogged last week, and I have this feeling of "being behind". It's really kind of strange.
And, if we're being totally honest. I don't feel like blogging right now - at least physically I don't. I've been sick since last Thursday and still am not feeling up to par. I really just feel like crawling back under the sheets, but I can't do that. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, so I'm trying to get myself up a little more today so hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Plus, I don't like missing my blog time. When I don't blog, I feel like I'm throwing my entire week out of whack, and I guess in a way I am.
Anyhow, that is not the purpose of this blog and I know it. Technically though, there isn't all that much to say about my submission right now. Mistress has been busy with her family as well as being ill, but we've still managed to have some time together, which is nice. I just worry about her and wish she would rest. (And I do know She feels the same about me.)
Oh I know something that I've been thinking about lately. How since I came back from my vacation from submission, everything has been much calmer. Not just within my relationship with Mistress, but pretty much in all aspects of my life. There are stresses, sure, but I find that I'm approaching them with a clearer head and not just flying off the handle when the situation doesn't warrant it. I feel like that is in large part due to the fact that I am still thinking about the things I'm grateful for daily and also because Mistress helped me see things in a different light than I did before. Basically, I'm just taking every day as it comes and not worrying too much about tomorrow or next week, or even next month. And Goddess knows I am a huge worrier, so that is a feat in itself! :) Yay me!
I believe that my trust in Mistress has increased greatly as well. And really a part of me hates to admit that, because I always thought that I already trusted her implicitly, but apparently I was only deceiving myself. Mistress knew all along that I didn't have complete and total trust in Her, I just didn't see it. Now I see that. And while I'd love to say that I do not trust Her with absolutely everything, I am leery of saying that now because whose to say that tomorrow something might prove that wrong? All I can say is that my trust has increased, and because of that I feel like Mistress' trust me has improved as well - though She hasn't told me that, so I can't say for certain.
We're on the right track. I can feel it, and it's exciting!
And, if we're being totally honest. I don't feel like blogging right now - at least physically I don't. I've been sick since last Thursday and still am not feeling up to par. I really just feel like crawling back under the sheets, but I can't do that. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, so I'm trying to get myself up a little more today so hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Plus, I don't like missing my blog time. When I don't blog, I feel like I'm throwing my entire week out of whack, and I guess in a way I am.
Anyhow, that is not the purpose of this blog and I know it. Technically though, there isn't all that much to say about my submission right now. Mistress has been busy with her family as well as being ill, but we've still managed to have some time together, which is nice. I just worry about her and wish she would rest. (And I do know She feels the same about me.)
Oh I know something that I've been thinking about lately. How since I came back from my vacation from submission, everything has been much calmer. Not just within my relationship with Mistress, but pretty much in all aspects of my life. There are stresses, sure, but I find that I'm approaching them with a clearer head and not just flying off the handle when the situation doesn't warrant it. I feel like that is in large part due to the fact that I am still thinking about the things I'm grateful for daily and also because Mistress helped me see things in a different light than I did before. Basically, I'm just taking every day as it comes and not worrying too much about tomorrow or next week, or even next month. And Goddess knows I am a huge worrier, so that is a feat in itself! :) Yay me!
I believe that my trust in Mistress has increased greatly as well. And really a part of me hates to admit that, because I always thought that I already trusted her implicitly, but apparently I was only deceiving myself. Mistress knew all along that I didn't have complete and total trust in Her, I just didn't see it. Now I see that. And while I'd love to say that I do not trust Her with absolutely everything, I am leery of saying that now because whose to say that tomorrow something might prove that wrong? All I can say is that my trust has increased, and because of that I feel like Mistress' trust me has improved as well - though She hasn't told me that, so I can't say for certain.
We're on the right track. I can feel it, and it's exciting!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A Little Homework
Once again, I'm not entirely sure what to write about. It bugs me when I don't have all that much to say here because I feel like this is such an important part of my journey. I know it doesn't really matter how long my entries here are, not really, but still it bothers me at times.
Anyhow, Mistress gave me a new homework assignment, and that was to rewrite my schedule how I felt it would fit me best with the changes that have taken place in my life. It's due to Her today by 5pm, and I already sent it by email. I didn't change much from the schedule She had given me, but there were a few things I rearranged. I'm curious to find out what She will think about the changes I made. As soon as She adds in some other things and approves it all then I'll post the new schedule here for all to see.
Oh, Mistress and I did have a very good conversation a few days ago about all the lessons I've learned in the past few months and how I feel about my mantra (which I might eventually post here). I was able to express to Her how I feel like She has helped me finally come to love myself for who and what I am. To love me exactly where I'm at in life and not degrade myself for the things that I've not yet done, or the mistakes I've made. That's a huge thing for me. I don't think my writing here really reflects just how badly I used to think of myself. I think a large part of that is because I didn't really believe it was as bad as it was, until I stopped doing it. Mistress really has taught me so much. :)
And, really, apart from that, not a whole lot has been going on that I can write about here. Our r/t's have kept us both very busy of late and I'm not sure that I see it letting up any time soon, though one can hope. I'm just happy that, well, I'm happy. *laughs*
Anyhow, Mistress gave me a new homework assignment, and that was to rewrite my schedule how I felt it would fit me best with the changes that have taken place in my life. It's due to Her today by 5pm, and I already sent it by email. I didn't change much from the schedule She had given me, but there were a few things I rearranged. I'm curious to find out what She will think about the changes I made. As soon as She adds in some other things and approves it all then I'll post the new schedule here for all to see.
Oh, Mistress and I did have a very good conversation a few days ago about all the lessons I've learned in the past few months and how I feel about my mantra (which I might eventually post here). I was able to express to Her how I feel like She has helped me finally come to love myself for who and what I am. To love me exactly where I'm at in life and not degrade myself for the things that I've not yet done, or the mistakes I've made. That's a huge thing for me. I don't think my writing here really reflects just how badly I used to think of myself. I think a large part of that is because I didn't really believe it was as bad as it was, until I stopped doing it. Mistress really has taught me so much. :)
And, really, apart from that, not a whole lot has been going on that I can write about here. Our r/t's have kept us both very busy of late and I'm not sure that I see it letting up any time soon, though one can hope. I'm just happy that, well, I'm happy. *laughs*
Monday, November 3, 2008
Should Rules Be Ignored?
I actually am not at all sure what to write about today. Not a whole lot has been going on since I blogged last Wednesday. I've spent a lot of time with my family and preparing things for work and Mistress has been busy with her family as well. I know it will be like this a lot in the coming weeks and possibly months because of the holidays and such. But the time that I have had with my Mistress has been great. It's been relaxing and just us talking about various things. I think we need those times just as much as any other, more intense times that we have together. We're balanced and I'm so glad for that.
So, I've thought about something recently and thought maybe I should write about here. It has nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, but something I've observed in some other lifestyle relationships and I'm just curious about it.
I've watched many dominants and submissives entering into new relationships together and they agree on the outset about rules and such that the submissive will have through the relationship. Then as they progress through their time together, the submissive will break one of the rules and even though the dominant most likely realizes this, they do nothing about it. No punishment, no outward acknowledgment of it.
I just wonder at the wisdom, or lack thereof, in this. How does it affect the relationship?
It could be that the dominant is waiting to see if the submissive will come to them and say that they broke a rule, or that the submissive is waiting and hoping that the dominant didn't notice and therefor won't punish him/her. It could be any number of things, right?
I, personally, would not wish to be in a relationship like that. Just not my cup of tea. I need to know that no matter what the rules are the rules and aren't to be broken, and if they are then there will be consequences for it. I need those clear boundaries.
Anyone out there have any comments about any of this? I'm curious to hear what others might think.
So, I've thought about something recently and thought maybe I should write about here. It has nothing to do with my relationship with Mistress and Sir, but something I've observed in some other lifestyle relationships and I'm just curious about it.
I've watched many dominants and submissives entering into new relationships together and they agree on the outset about rules and such that the submissive will have through the relationship. Then as they progress through their time together, the submissive will break one of the rules and even though the dominant most likely realizes this, they do nothing about it. No punishment, no outward acknowledgment of it.
I just wonder at the wisdom, or lack thereof, in this. How does it affect the relationship?
It could be that the dominant is waiting to see if the submissive will come to them and say that they broke a rule, or that the submissive is waiting and hoping that the dominant didn't notice and therefor won't punish him/her. It could be any number of things, right?
I, personally, would not wish to be in a relationship like that. Just not my cup of tea. I need to know that no matter what the rules are the rules and aren't to be broken, and if they are then there will be consequences for it. I need those clear boundaries.
Anyone out there have any comments about any of this? I'm curious to hear what others might think.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Getting Back in the Swing of Things
Well, I have my schedule back full time now, but it's been a lot harder to get back into it this time than it was when I first started it. And it's only because of something that has changed in my life, which I am not up to talking about here. However, Mistress has told me that She is thinking about changing my schedule some to help with that. The thing I am most thankful to have back is my mantra. It totally grounds me in a way that I never thought possible. It makes me feel secure within myself and my submission.
Since my vacation, I feel like Mistress and I have had more time together. I'm not sure that it's really been more time, or better quality of time. Everything has been calm and easy going. That's not to say that we "fought" or anything like that before, because we didn't. There was just tension and some frustration there that isn't there now. I'm so thankful for that and I know Mistress is as well. It makes everything a lot easier and more fun too.
She even asked me last night if she told me to go on another vacation, even without any explanation to me about why, would I do it willingly without putting up a fuss or questioning Her about it. And absolutely, I would. I mean, I don't want to have vacations from it all, all the time, otherwise what is the point? But every now and then I think it's a good thing. At least it was this first time and it made me totally realize the things I'm grateful for within our relationship and outside of it as well.
That's all for now. Today, my schedule is all mixed up because of some things that I have to get done and I knew I wouldn't have much time to blog, but I wanted to get at least something in here. There should be more coming next Monday. So, until then...
Be good at being naughty..
Since my vacation, I feel like Mistress and I have had more time together. I'm not sure that it's really been more time, or better quality of time. Everything has been calm and easy going. That's not to say that we "fought" or anything like that before, because we didn't. There was just tension and some frustration there that isn't there now. I'm so thankful for that and I know Mistress is as well. It makes everything a lot easier and more fun too.
She even asked me last night if she told me to go on another vacation, even without any explanation to me about why, would I do it willingly without putting up a fuss or questioning Her about it. And absolutely, I would. I mean, I don't want to have vacations from it all, all the time, otherwise what is the point? But every now and then I think it's a good thing. At least it was this first time and it made me totally realize the things I'm grateful for within our relationship and outside of it as well.
That's all for now. Today, my schedule is all mixed up because of some things that I have to get done and I knew I wouldn't have much time to blog, but I wanted to get at least something in here. There should be more coming next Monday. So, until then...
Be good at being naughty..
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Vacation From Submission
Well, I am not entirely sure where to start, or how far back to go. *muses*
Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.
We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.
Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.
The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.
My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.
She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.
Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*
We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.
What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)
Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.
Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.
So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.
Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.
Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.
It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.
The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.
At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.
However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.
I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).
When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.
I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.
One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.
Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)
I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.
By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.
~*~*~*~
Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore
Alright, well, Mistress and I have always agreed that for our relationship that we do not want me to become dependent on Her. We want me to submit fully to Her, yet be strong and independent. We want our relationship to be in such a way that if for some reason we ever part ways that I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not feel as if the world just crumbled down around me. And we want me to feel confident in making decisions on my own without needing Her or someone else guiding me all the time or making them for me. That is one of the biggest things we agreed upon when first beginning our relationship together and if I'm not mistaken I am the one that brought it up to Her the first time we spoke about it and then our conversations went from there.
We know our relationship is different from many lifestyle relationships, and that many out there would not like or possibly agree with how we approach things, but it works for us and it's how we like it.
Anyhow, that's not the point of this post.
The point is that over the past, hmm month? Give take days or weeks possibly. I had become increasingly more and more dependent upon Her. I was subconsciously demanding more and more of Her time and acting in ways that basically were consistent with how a small child might act when they aren't getting enough attention from their parents. No, I wasn't throwing temper tantrums or things like that, but I sure wasn't making it easy on Her either. I wanted more time with Her. I wanted to be with Her all the time, to the point that I was ignoring my family and my niece. Something that I am totally not proud of, as my niece is my life.
My last few posts here will show that dependency. Especially in how in my last one I stated that this is the most important thing in my life. When it shouldn't be. That is NOT something that Mistress and I want for us and our relationship. Both of our families should and always will come first. That is the agreement. But, I wasn't doing that. I was putting my family aside, not spending time with them and such, in the hopes that it would allow me more time with Mistress.
She had even mentioned to me about two weeks ago how She perceived my behavior at that time and while I could sort of see Her point, it didn't make me stop or even slow down. It was to the point where I felt like I couldn't control myself. I had to text Her a million times through the day just to tell Her that I love Her and am thinking about Her.
Well, two weeks ago from this upcoming Wednesday - on October 15th, we had a very long and semi-painful conversation. She questioned me on my behaviors to see if I could see the things that She did from them, and some things I totally got and others I only semi understood. There were times during our conversation that we were both completely frustrated and for the first time ever I managed to make Her angry at me because of saying that I answered one of Her questions based on what I thought She was saying and wanted to hear. That's not at all normally like me, and I hope to NEVER see Her angry at me ever again. That is NOT a fun place to be in for sure. *shakes head*
We talked for hours and I can't explain everything we said or this post might never end. But, it was a difficult conversation, to say the least, and I was scared during it that I was going to lose Her entirely, even though She told me at the beginning that so long as I still wanted to be Hers at the end of it, then everything was fine with us, or would be fine with us, once we got past this hill.
What ended up happening is two things. First, she asked me for my instant messenger accounts and passwords. I had given Her all of my passwords maybe two months or so ago - to my email accounts, my blogs, my emails, etc. At the time, I wanted Her to know that I trust Her completely and that I didn't have anything to hide from Her. Yet, when She asked for my instant messenger accounts I felt as if She was trying to say that She didn't trust me, when that's entirely NOT the case. I just happen to know a couple that She doesn't trust their motives and I used to have them on my messengers as we used to talk regularly. We don't anymore because the man told me that he felt like my Mistress was bad for me and basically (in other words) feels like our relationship is abusive. The thing is though, he doesn't know my Mistress - AT ALL! He's never talked to Her in any way, shape or form. And what he knew about our relationship is only bits and pieces that I felt comfortable divulging to him and his wife. I was a lot closer to his wife than him and I used to talk to her about some feelings of frustration I had when working through kinks in mine and Mistress' relationship. So what they knew of our relationship was entirely jaded. (I should say that they are in the lifestyle, or say that they are. Yet, when we would have discussions about it, they knew very little about any of it from what I could tell.)
Anyhow, Mistress felt like he is bad for me, and he is! She wanted to keep an eye (from what I can tell - I am NOT putting words in Her mouth here.) on my messengers because of him. Yet, I took it to mean that She didn't trust me and of course I had to mention that to Her, which didn't help our converation any.
Because why would I willingly, without Her asking, give Her all my other passwords to prove to Her that I wasn't hiding anything, and then turn around and balk at the idea of giving Her my messenger passwords? Why? Because it is different (to me, anyhow) to give it up willingly, than to be "forced" into giving them. (I say forced, but I wasn't really forced. Everything with us is agreed upon.) It shouldn't be different, but I feel like it is. It's another step in giving myself entirely to Her and it's scary to me. I have this weird view that the more I give up, the more I submit to Her the more dependent upon Her I will become. Yet, I know that's not the case. She won't allow that to happen. Yes, She wants me to submit to Her fully and completely, but She will also make sure that I am capable of living independently as well.
So, the other thing that happened is that She gave me a gift. She gave me a vacation from my submission to Her for a week. What that means is that I was to have absolutely no contact with Her for an entire week. And I was only allowed to have contact with one lifestyle friend - Angel, but we weren't allowed to talk about lifestyle related things for the week. I was suppose to focus on my family and spending time with them to reestablish our relationships and refocus myself to where I should have been all along. It wasn't a punishment. And I honestly didn't see it as one (at first - while we were talking about it.) I was not allowed to do my schedule for the week, no mantra or anything submissive related. I was still Her's during this time, there just was no contact what-so-ever. I kept a journal during that week about the things I did while I wasn't spending any time with Her, and I am not sure yet if She wishes me to post it here. She's still deciding on that, so if She wishes for me to do so, then I will later on.
Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be online during the week - no emails, no IM's, no chatting, no web surfing, and no blogs.
Before our conversation was over we hugged, kissed and told each other that we love each other and would miss each other over the course of the week.
It was hard. And scary. However, right at first I felt at peace with it all. I did feel like it was a good thing, something we (I, mainly) needed. And I was determined to go the entire week because I totally did not want to lose our relationship and I wanted to make Her proud of me for accomplishing this.
The first two days were...interesting. I told Her that I felt like I went through the entire grieving process in a matter of two days. I was angry, resentful, sad, in denial, all of it. I was angry with myself because of what my previous actions had caused. Not that I had this vacation, but that my actions that upset Her and that She felt the need for this type of thing. I, however, did not want to accept that I was the reason for all of this, so I tried in my mind to blame Her and anyone else I could think of. That only worked for a matter of hours before I had to get totally honest with myself and admit that I WAS too dependent on Her and that it was my fault that all of this happening.
At the same time though, on the second day I didn't really miss Her. (I did miss Her, but not ~HER~, if that makes sense??) I didn't miss not having the schedule, or the mantra or any of it. I felt free. And that scared the hell out of me! How could I not miss the things that I had craved so much for so long? It didn't make any sense to me. And I was afraid that when the week was up, that I would have to tell Her that I didn't want any of it. That I didn't miss it and that I couldn't go forward with our relationship.
However, by the third and fourth days, that all changed. I wanted to talk to Her and I questioned whether I could make it the week She required without doing so. I wanted so much to tell Her how sorry I was for my prior behaviors and I wanted my schedule and mantra back. I needed them! But, I didn't give in myself and what I wanted. I held fast and completed the week. And during that week I did spend time with my family. In fact, every day I spent time with almost every family member (dad, sister, bro in law and niece) and I was also able to hang out with one of my friends/co-workers which was nice and something that I never do.
I did a lot of thinking over the week, and found a deeper level to my submission by NOT being able to express it. I realized just how much of my life, my submission and our relationship that I take for granted. I just automatically assume that it will always be there, and when it wasn't...well, it was a harsh reality to face. I realized just how much I ~do~ want and need those things. And how much it all means to me, my Mistress included. But, at the same time, I realized that my family has to come first. Granted, I came to the conclusion during the week that my definition of my family is not just my blood relatives. It includes them, my Mistress and Sir, Angel and a few other friend that I've never mentioned here (because they are not lifestyle friends).
When the week was up, Mistress and I again had a very long conversation. It was calm, and peaceful (I thought anyhow). It just felt good to be in Her presence again. We talked about what I did through the week with my family and the things that I was feeling and thinking throughout. And I feel now that our relationship is at a deeper, more fulfilling level than it ever has been before. I am taking each day as it comes and if the day provides time for Mistress and I to be together, wonderful. And if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world because there is always tomorrow, or the next day. And for once, I can honestly say that I feel Her love for me in every moment of every day. I don't think I could say that before - because I doubted it, not because it wasn't there.
I feel like our times together since then have been a lot calmer than they had been before. I don't feel on edge as I had sometimes - which was not Her fault at it. I just have a tendency to second guess everything and to not trust that anyone could truly wish to spend time with me, or could honestly love or care about me. I think that changed over the week too, because while many people would probably see the vacation as a punishment, I honestly did not. I took it for what She intended it to be, and I feel as though I've grown because of it, not just in my submission, but as a person as well. I not only do not take our relationship for granted, but I don't take others either. And every day I'm thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the people.
One thing that really struck me, was when Mistress and I were talking after the week was up and I told Her that I had that time on the second day where I wasn't sure if I wanted any of this - She told me that on that same day, She had a gut feeling out of nowhere that I wouldn't come back. That just goes to show how in sinc we are with one another and that still amazes me.
Another thing that I've realized is that I feel differently about myself. There hasn't been a single day since the week came to an end where I have said or thought anything bad about myself. I've been much more positive about myself, about life and everything in it. I think part of that is because I begin each day now by thinking about the things I'm grateful for, and thanking the God and Goddess for those things, something I wasn't doing before. But part of it too is that because I'm not taking things for granted, I have opened myself up to feel the love that others have for me, and even more importantly the love that I have for myself. So many times I used to think that I was worthless and wasn't accomplishing much in my life simply because I haven't done the things that I set up for myself to do so many years ago. I've come to realize, though, that I have changed so much over the years and the goals that I had for myself way back then, just totally do not fit with who I am today. So I'm making new goals, that fit who I am now and who I wish to become. I do love myself. I can say that honestly now and with passion. And in loving myself, comes a deeper love for others and their love for me. (That is not something that Mistress and I have talked about because I only really started thinking about as I was writing this.)
I hope that I have explained this well and that it makes sense. When I write again on Wednesday if I feel like I left anything out then I will put it in the next post.
By the way, I have my schedule back, as of today really. Although today's has been a little mixed up so far, but I'm working with it as best I can for the time being.
~*~*~*~
Mistress, I just wish to thank you for always showing me things that I don't see in myself - the good things and the things that need improving. And also for being so commited to making this work, and for always helping me and love me as you do. I feel as though you've shown me how to open myself up, so that I might truly love myself and others. Thank you for that. I love you, Mistress.
~Your dirty whore
Monday, October 13, 2008
Belonging
I've done a lot of thinking over the weekend and even before last weekend hit. I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life with Mistress and Sir. I don't really remember if I've talked about how she has told me that I can't and won't be fully and completely Her's until I am able to see in myself what She does. In other words, I have to truly believe that I am strong, beautiful, and that I deserve the love and trust She gives me. I've struggled with this greatly. Not only with Mistress, but even in my other relationships.
You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.
However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.
Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.
I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.
Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.
Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.
Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.
I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)
So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.
I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!
My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)
Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.
Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!
You see, I used to believe all of those things. I didn't just believe it, but I knew it to be true. Then things in my life changed and I started to question myself and everything around me from that point on. It's been almost 10 years since my mom died and while I don't grieve for her as I once did, I still miss her and the positive impact she had on my life. I told Mistress just yesterday that the only time in my life that I've felt like I belonged or was truly loved was when my mom was alive. I never questioned my mom's love for me or my place in her life. I knew where I stood and I knew the things I wanted to accomplish in my life.
However, when my mom passed away, everything seemed to fall apart. I fell apart. I no longer knew what to do, where to go, or even who I was. I was so close to my mom that I defined myself as being a part of her and without her there I didn't believe I had any purpose or direction. I did the college thing because it was expected of me and I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was what I was suppose to do. But really I didn't have a clue. Then two years ago my niece was born and I suddenly felt like I had a purpose again. I still didn't feel as though I ~belonged~, but I had a reason for living. I love children and I felt like my goal at that point was to make a big difference in my niece's life.
Without going into details, my brother and I are barely on speaking terms. My sister (my niece's mom) and I have always had an on again/off again type of relationship and it seemed to only get worse with the arrival of my niece. And my dad and I seemed to be drifting further and further apart and no matter how much either of us tried we couldn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I drifted from relationship to relationship with others, never really finding what fit me. I just kept doing it because I felt like it was what I should have been doing. Even though I knew it didn't feel right.
I've known Mistress for years now and we were friends. We'd lose touch now and again, but it was never because of us disagreeing about anything. It was just that life grabbed one or both of us and we had to deal with it. Mistress and I've been in constant touch for a little over a year now, aside from the time when I tried to hide myself away from the world, Her included. I was with Another at the time and I hid from her as well. However, it was Mistress that pulled me from that place and demanded that I not ever hide from her again. It was because of Her actions then that I knew without a doubt that She loved me much more than I ever imagined. Our relationship just kind of happened from there.
Yet still, I would go back to my questioning phase and my unbelief that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I would question why anyone would want to be with me, and demand that I had nothing to offer anyone. And yet again, Mistress stepped up to the plate to try and drill into my head that I ~am~ worthy, that I ~am~ beautiful and strong and that She ~does~ love and desire for me to be a part of Her life.
Even while She did this, I balked at it and in my mind denied it all. How could anyone love me? WHY would anyone love me? I don't even know what I am suppose to be doing with my life, or where I'm suppose to go. I'm a dead-beat. Those are the things that I would tell myself. I really didn't see any value within myself. Notice, please, that I said ~didn't~.
Something changed. But what? Honestly, I am not entirely sure.
I only know that I have been doing a lot of thinking since that conversation Mistress and I had and Her words haunted me greatly. "You can not ever be fully Mine until you let go of the baggage." (not entirely sure those were Her exact words, but that was the point of them) I have never wanted anything more in my life, than how much I want and need to completely be owned by my Mistress. The need for this is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And to know that if I can't quit questioning myself and Her and even ~us~, that I can't be totally Hers, scares the hell out of me AND it pisses me off! (at myself)
So this thinking that I've been doing. Well, I realize that I ~do~ want and need this with my Mistress. And more than that I've come to realize that it is the ~MOST~ important thing in my life. And I will not do anything to lose it, nor allow anyone else to mess it up. Including myself. I finally feel like I ~belong~ and that I have a direction and purpose in my life once again. And it is all because of my Mistress.
I do know that I am beautiful and strong and I know that I am loved and cherished, and even wanted. All by my Mistress!
My other relationships - those with my family (at least my dad and sister) - have improved greatly recently as well. And I believe it just goes to show that I am headed in the right direction. Thank the Goddess for that! :)
Now, on another note, sort of, I was reading luna's blog earlier. I haven't read it in a while and had a little catching up to do. Anyhow, she asks questions on some days and her latest question is this "If the govenment brought back real and legal slavery, would you sign yourself over to your Owner as his/her slave?" I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see that of those that have commented on that so far, they have all said no. Now, I've never been one for legal slavery, to be honest. I think it should always be a choice, on both parties sides. However, when I read the question, my absolute first thought was "Yes, if my Mistress wished for me to be Her legal slave, I would gladly do it." Now, I don't believe that She would ever wish that, although I could very well be wrong. I'll have to ask Her and then get back to you on it to be certain. Anyhow, I guess I see it differently because I say "If She wants it, then yes." therefor I have a choice still. In a way. Hmm, now I need to talk to Mistress. I'm curious as to Her thoughts on it as well.
Alright, I believe I have rambled on enough for one day. It's been fun!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Just another dream
I have a little extra time in my schedule right now and figured that I would come on here to write out a dream I had last night. Mistress has expressed to me that she would like to see me writing them out here in my blog, so I'll be doing more of that as I have them, in addition to writing about what is going on with us.
The Dream
Mistress and I had been planning a big shopping trip to the city for a few weeks now and the day had finally arrived. We woke up early to head out for our exciting day, and Mistress told me to go get the wireless vibe toy and slide it in. *gulps* She always has the remote with her and I'm not allowed to touch it. (In the dream at least, we don't really have a toy like that.) I did as Mistress said and then we set off to head into the city.
As we drove she would periodically turn it on low and torment me by telling me how dirty I am, and how I really am her cum slut. Every time I would get squirmy and start begging to be allowed to release, she would deny me and turn it off so that I could relax for a short while and calm down. By the time we got to the mall in the city, I was so horny and wet that I wasn't even sure I could get out of the car and walk without people thinking something weird was going on with me. Somehow, I managed it, though.
We went from store to store in the mall and Mistress would turn it on every so often there as well, though we were much more discrete in the stores than we had been in the car. It got to the point that every time she turned it on I would freeze and pray that I wouldn't release without permission first.
At noon, we made our way to the food court in the mall and while we ate Mistress asked me if I wanted release. I whimpered and rocked forward in my chair, quietly begging her to allow it. She told me she would allow me release only if while we continued shopping I would ask ten different people (half men, and half women) if they had ever worn a sex toy under their clothing while in public. Normally, I would be too embarrassed to even think about going up to strangers to even ask where a restroom is, much less something so intimate and personal. However, in the frenzied and wanton state Mistress had so effectively put me in, I didn't care about being embarrassed. I only wanted and needed release.
For the rest of the afternoon, I scoped out random strangers and walked up to them as confidently as I possibly could to ask them what Mistress wished me to ask them. She stood far enough away to not be totally obvious, though close enough to hear what I said and their responses. While I spoke to the strangers, Mistress would randomly turn the vibe on to torment me even worse and I would flush deeper and try not to whimper and squirm against it.
Unfortunately, I woke up before I made it through the ten strangers, so I don't know if I was ever allowed the release that I so desperately needed. Go figure! *laughs* But, still, it was a nice dream!
The Dream
Mistress and I had been planning a big shopping trip to the city for a few weeks now and the day had finally arrived. We woke up early to head out for our exciting day, and Mistress told me to go get the wireless vibe toy and slide it in. *gulps* She always has the remote with her and I'm not allowed to touch it. (In the dream at least, we don't really have a toy like that.) I did as Mistress said and then we set off to head into the city.
As we drove she would periodically turn it on low and torment me by telling me how dirty I am, and how I really am her cum slut. Every time I would get squirmy and start begging to be allowed to release, she would deny me and turn it off so that I could relax for a short while and calm down. By the time we got to the mall in the city, I was so horny and wet that I wasn't even sure I could get out of the car and walk without people thinking something weird was going on with me. Somehow, I managed it, though.
We went from store to store in the mall and Mistress would turn it on every so often there as well, though we were much more discrete in the stores than we had been in the car. It got to the point that every time she turned it on I would freeze and pray that I wouldn't release without permission first.
At noon, we made our way to the food court in the mall and while we ate Mistress asked me if I wanted release. I whimpered and rocked forward in my chair, quietly begging her to allow it. She told me she would allow me release only if while we continued shopping I would ask ten different people (half men, and half women) if they had ever worn a sex toy under their clothing while in public. Normally, I would be too embarrassed to even think about going up to strangers to even ask where a restroom is, much less something so intimate and personal. However, in the frenzied and wanton state Mistress had so effectively put me in, I didn't care about being embarrassed. I only wanted and needed release.
For the rest of the afternoon, I scoped out random strangers and walked up to them as confidently as I possibly could to ask them what Mistress wished me to ask them. She stood far enough away to not be totally obvious, though close enough to hear what I said and their responses. While I spoke to the strangers, Mistress would randomly turn the vibe on to torment me even worse and I would flush deeper and try not to whimper and squirm against it.
Unfortunately, I woke up before I made it through the ten strangers, so I don't know if I was ever allowed the release that I so desperately needed. Go figure! *laughs* But, still, it was a nice dream!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A Great Analogy
It's been quite an interesting week thus far. Yesterday morning I was late for work and had to deal with some things with my boss that were a little bit frustrating, but pretty much will work themselves out. Then today I over-slept and haven't fell all that great so I haven't got much accomplished.
Despite that, Monday night Mistress and I had a very good conversation. We talked about us, and Sir and how things might progress eventually. During our conversation she actually used the term "Sir" for the first time ever and it really struck a chord with me. Not at all in a bad way, but somehow I just wanted her to keep saying it. I don't know how things will work out, none of us do, and we'll just have to see how it goes and what happens along the way, it's not anything we can force. But I find myself dreaming more and more of him, along with Her and myself. He's been in many of my dreams lately and I find myself enjoying the thought more and more of him someday being my Master. It was so good to talk to Mistress about that and many other things.
I realize now, even moreso, what I've been doing to Her property (to myself). And it's because of an analogy she gave me the other thing. She told me to think about a knick-knack I have, my favorite one and I loved it so much that I bought a special shelf just for it. One day my sister comes over and moves my knick-knack from the shelf and puts in on my desk, turning it so that you can only see part of it, not all of it like you could on the shelf. But I moved it back to the shelf, only to have my sister move it again and tell me that the shelf was ugly and the knick-knack was as well, but that where she put it on the desk it looked a little better. She asked how I would feel and what I would do. So I told her that I'd be upset with my sister for moving my things, and that I would tell her just because she doesn't see the value in my things that I do, doesn't mean that they're ugly or unloveable. It was then that I realized just what she had been trying so hard to tell me lately about myself and how when I put myself down it hurts her because it's like me telling her that the things and people she loves are not important and mean nothing. That I am not important, and mean nothing to her. I was trying to tell her that it's ok to treat me like dirt. And it's not. At all. (I'm not saying that she does, please don't think that.)
I hope so much that I can stop doing this and keep myself where she put me because that is where she wants me to be. Actually, I know that I will do it. There's no other choice. I want nothing more than to make her happy and proud of me. I always wish that she is proud of who and what she owns. She's given me back such a huge part of myself that I can't help but want to do everything in my power to prove my love, loyalty, trust and respect to her. She's given me back the confidence I need in order to be the submissive that used to lurk so deeply inside that very few saw her, or new the depths of her abilities. But Mistress knew that part of me, even more than I did, and she's pulled it out slowly. I think, though, that there is even more than neither of us has ever seen. I look forward to exploring that with her.
Despite that, Monday night Mistress and I had a very good conversation. We talked about us, and Sir and how things might progress eventually. During our conversation she actually used the term "Sir" for the first time ever and it really struck a chord with me. Not at all in a bad way, but somehow I just wanted her to keep saying it. I don't know how things will work out, none of us do, and we'll just have to see how it goes and what happens along the way, it's not anything we can force. But I find myself dreaming more and more of him, along with Her and myself. He's been in many of my dreams lately and I find myself enjoying the thought more and more of him someday being my Master. It was so good to talk to Mistress about that and many other things.
I realize now, even moreso, what I've been doing to Her property (to myself). And it's because of an analogy she gave me the other thing. She told me to think about a knick-knack I have, my favorite one and I loved it so much that I bought a special shelf just for it. One day my sister comes over and moves my knick-knack from the shelf and puts in on my desk, turning it so that you can only see part of it, not all of it like you could on the shelf. But I moved it back to the shelf, only to have my sister move it again and tell me that the shelf was ugly and the knick-knack was as well, but that where she put it on the desk it looked a little better. She asked how I would feel and what I would do. So I told her that I'd be upset with my sister for moving my things, and that I would tell her just because she doesn't see the value in my things that I do, doesn't mean that they're ugly or unloveable. It was then that I realized just what she had been trying so hard to tell me lately about myself and how when I put myself down it hurts her because it's like me telling her that the things and people she loves are not important and mean nothing. That I am not important, and mean nothing to her. I was trying to tell her that it's ok to treat me like dirt. And it's not. At all. (I'm not saying that she does, please don't think that.)
I hope so much that I can stop doing this and keep myself where she put me because that is where she wants me to be. Actually, I know that I will do it. There's no other choice. I want nothing more than to make her happy and proud of me. I always wish that she is proud of who and what she owns. She's given me back such a huge part of myself that I can't help but want to do everything in my power to prove my love, loyalty, trust and respect to her. She's given me back the confidence I need in order to be the submissive that used to lurk so deeply inside that very few saw her, or new the depths of her abilities. But Mistress knew that part of me, even more than I did, and she's pulled it out slowly. I think, though, that there is even more than neither of us has ever seen. I look forward to exploring that with her.
Monday, October 6, 2008
My, oh my!
My, oh my, where to start.
Well, a few days ago my Mistress and I had a long conversation that wasn't all that pleasant. She has tried and tried to help me with my self-esteem and to build it up to where it should be, instead of where it is. And I haven't really made any head way with it, which is extremely frustrating to her. She told me it makes her feel like she has failed me as my Mistress and that until I quit going back to what others I've been with in the past drilled into my head, I can never fully submit to her. That hurts. Badly. And I hate it, but I know she is right.
So, I know I was already suppose to be doing this, and I was - sometimes, just not all the time - I am no longer going to allow fear, worry or negativity in my head. If it tries to worm its way in, then it will be shot down right then and there. Every bit of it. A friend of mine, who I will call Angel, and I both have the same problem. And we're both submissive. Her Owner (I'll call him, Bear.) and mine are friends, I am friends with him as well, and all that good stuff. Well, her and I have decided that we will help one another with this and every day we are going to come up with three things for that particular day that we happy with about ourselves. Then we have to share them with each other. We're going to encourage one another along the way in this, and some other things as well that have nothing to do with out submission. I'm so glad I have someone that is in a somewhat similar boat as me.
Anyhow, I feel like this was a turning point for me and my Mistress. Even though I haven't accomplished it yet, I know that I will and when I do I will be able to completely give my whole self over to her. Something that I've wanted for a very long time.
So here goes the law of attraction in practice. I love myself!
On another note, I have had some very vivid dreams of late. In large part because of things my Mistress has said to me recently. And some of them are just too good not to write about. So I hope you enjoy a glimpse into my mind.
Dream 1: Mistress and I are in an alley, behind a school (either high school or college) and she has me completely naked and down on my hands and knees on the hard pebbly alley ground. She is dressed in something that looks similar to a school girl outfit and has a frat paddle in her hands. She tells me that I've been naughty and she's going to spank me right there, but that I am not allowed to make even a tiny sound or I'll be punished. So as the swats of the paddle get harder and harder, I start to scream with each one, which only makes her spank me even harder, while telling me again to be quiet. I'm so loud that a cop shows up and tells us that he is going to arrest us both. But I don't want him to arrest my Mistress, so I crawl to him and beg him not to arrest her and tell him that I'll do anything, anything at all if he will just let her go. So he makes me suck his cock right there in the alley, in front of my Mistress. He throat fucked me so hard that I gagged and Mistress was upset with me over it, so she spanked me again. I was a sobbing mess by the time it was over. He blindfolded me and put me into his police car to take me to jail. When the blindfold came off, I found myself in my Owner's home, locked in a cage for the night. Sir was the cop that I had to get off and I didn't realize it until now.
Dream 2: In this one, I am asleep in my bedroom in my Owner's home and Mistress and Sir come in. They blindfold me and tie my hands behind my back, then one of them fucks me in the ass and the other fucks my cunt. There was nothing I could do about it, other than just take it.
Dream 3: Similar to the 2nd one, but after they gag me, they tied me to the bed on my belly, with pillows under my hips and between my legs. Then they proceeded to fuck each other and I was told to hump the pillows but not to cum. I couldn't hold back though and ended up cumming. They "punished" me by making me clean his cock and balls and her cunt with my tongue.
Well, there you have it. A look into my mind and what goes on in it at times. Granted, these were all sort of planted there by things my Mistress has said to me, but parts of it were just my imagination running wild.
Well, a few days ago my Mistress and I had a long conversation that wasn't all that pleasant. She has tried and tried to help me with my self-esteem and to build it up to where it should be, instead of where it is. And I haven't really made any head way with it, which is extremely frustrating to her. She told me it makes her feel like she has failed me as my Mistress and that until I quit going back to what others I've been with in the past drilled into my head, I can never fully submit to her. That hurts. Badly. And I hate it, but I know she is right.
So, I know I was already suppose to be doing this, and I was - sometimes, just not all the time - I am no longer going to allow fear, worry or negativity in my head. If it tries to worm its way in, then it will be shot down right then and there. Every bit of it. A friend of mine, who I will call Angel, and I both have the same problem. And we're both submissive. Her Owner (I'll call him, Bear.) and mine are friends, I am friends with him as well, and all that good stuff. Well, her and I have decided that we will help one another with this and every day we are going to come up with three things for that particular day that we happy with about ourselves. Then we have to share them with each other. We're going to encourage one another along the way in this, and some other things as well that have nothing to do with out submission. I'm so glad I have someone that is in a somewhat similar boat as me.
Anyhow, I feel like this was a turning point for me and my Mistress. Even though I haven't accomplished it yet, I know that I will and when I do I will be able to completely give my whole self over to her. Something that I've wanted for a very long time.
So here goes the law of attraction in practice. I love myself!
On another note, I have had some very vivid dreams of late. In large part because of things my Mistress has said to me recently. And some of them are just too good not to write about. So I hope you enjoy a glimpse into my mind.
Dream 1: Mistress and I are in an alley, behind a school (either high school or college) and she has me completely naked and down on my hands and knees on the hard pebbly alley ground. She is dressed in something that looks similar to a school girl outfit and has a frat paddle in her hands. She tells me that I've been naughty and she's going to spank me right there, but that I am not allowed to make even a tiny sound or I'll be punished. So as the swats of the paddle get harder and harder, I start to scream with each one, which only makes her spank me even harder, while telling me again to be quiet. I'm so loud that a cop shows up and tells us that he is going to arrest us both. But I don't want him to arrest my Mistress, so I crawl to him and beg him not to arrest her and tell him that I'll do anything, anything at all if he will just let her go. So he makes me suck his cock right there in the alley, in front of my Mistress. He throat fucked me so hard that I gagged and Mistress was upset with me over it, so she spanked me again. I was a sobbing mess by the time it was over. He blindfolded me and put me into his police car to take me to jail. When the blindfold came off, I found myself in my Owner's home, locked in a cage for the night. Sir was the cop that I had to get off and I didn't realize it until now.
Dream 2: In this one, I am asleep in my bedroom in my Owner's home and Mistress and Sir come in. They blindfold me and tie my hands behind my back, then one of them fucks me in the ass and the other fucks my cunt. There was nothing I could do about it, other than just take it.
Dream 3: Similar to the 2nd one, but after they gag me, they tied me to the bed on my belly, with pillows under my hips and between my legs. Then they proceeded to fuck each other and I was told to hump the pillows but not to cum. I couldn't hold back though and ended up cumming. They "punished" me by making me clean his cock and balls and her cunt with my tongue.
Well, there you have it. A look into my mind and what goes on in it at times. Granted, these were all sort of planted there by things my Mistress has said to me, but parts of it were just my imagination running wild.
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